I have an elder sister who does not have much friends and is always seeking companionship from me during the weekends.
She has never felt happy for family members who have found their life partner or has gotten pregnant because she has not achieved those ‘milestones’ yet for herself.
It saddens me because this has been going on for almost 5 years in which she goes through this cycle of comparing herself with others. She will visibly sulk during family events and I have no one else to turn to, to vent about my frustration with her.
I have tried spending time with her whenever possible but I have never tried to process her emotions about such matters. I do not want to be her therapist as there were times when she has hurt me with her words but she doesn’t realise it.
I am not sure on how to cope with the mixed feelings I have about her. To create strong boundaries or to help her fight her inner demons?
I hear you. It sounds like you love your sister deeply and have been carrying a huge emotional burden for a long time. You’re trying to balance being there for her while also protecting your own well-being, and that’s hard—especially when she doesn’t recognise how her behaviour affects you.
I can really hear the exhaustion and sadness in your words. It must be heartbreaking to see her stuck in this cycle of comparison and unhappiness for so many years, and it’s completely understandable that you feel torn between helping her and setting boundaries for yourself. You shouldn’t have to shoulder all of this alone.
You Are Not Responsible for Fixing Her Pain
I know you care deeply about her, but her struggles with self-worth and comparison aren’t something you can solve—and it’s not your job to be her therapist. The fact that she has hurt you with her words before, even if unintentionally, is an important signal that you also need space to protect yourself emotionally.
It’s okay to love someone and also set limits on how much of their pain you can absorb. You don’t have to choose between completely supporting her or completely shutting her out—there’s a middle ground where you can be there for her without sacrificing your own mental health.
What You Can Do (Without Becoming Her Emotional Caretaker)
Gently Acknowledge Her Pain, Without Feeding Into It
If she’s sulking at a family event, you don’t have to overcompensate or fix it. You can just acknowledge it: “I know this kind of thing is hard for you, and I hear you.”
This shows empathy, but it doesn’t put you in the role of constantly making her feel better.
Shift the Conversation Away from Comparisons
If she starts dwelling on what she doesn’t have, gently guide the conversation toward neutral or positive topics: “I hear that this is painful for you. But let’s talk about something that brings you joy—what’s something you’re looking forward to?”
You don’t have to dismiss her feelings, but you also don’t have to dwell in that negativity with her.
Set Clear, Loving Boundaries
You can still spend time with her without being her sole emotional support system. Maybe that means setting limits like:
“I love our time together, but I also need some quiet weekends for myself.”
“I’m happy to hang out, but I can’t have deep emotional talks all the time—it’s been a bit overwhelming for me.”
Boundaries don’t mean rejecting her—they mean protecting the relationship so resentment doesn’t build up.
Encourage Her to Find Other Outlets for Support
If you feel comfortable, you might gently encourage her to seek therapy, social groups, or new hobbies that don’t revolve around comparison.
But if she’s resistant, remember: you can’t force her to change—you can only protect your own energy.
Coping with Your Own Mixed Emotions
It’s completely valid to feel frustrated, sad, and even resentful at times. Your feelings matter too. If you don’t have anyone to vent to, maybe consider:
Journaling your feelings (so you don’t bottle them up).
Talking to a trusted friend or therapist—not about fixing her, but about how to cope with your own emotions.
Giving yourself permission to step back when it gets too much—without guilt.
Final Thoughts
It’s okay to love her and still need space. It’s okay to care while also protecting yourself. You are not failing her by not being her therapist—you are simply acknowledging that you are human too.
Introduce her dating apps and meetup app? She needs to meet new ppl. Ppl will be affected by other ppl’s milestones but if its to a point of sulking visually in front of everyone then she prob needs mental health professional or its a personality issue that needs to be worked on. Ive reached a point where i dont bother, be ok w my pace n be happy for my frens
That sounds difficult to deal with, it can be tough dealing with the complex emotions of someone you care about and as much as our brain knows its not our responsibility to change their life, we can’t help but feel bad for not doing so. If possible(considering her personality), and when she’s in a relatively good mood, i think you should try to tell her how you feel using language that makes her understand you’re not on offence mode. This will prolly allow her to share her own emotions too. It doesn’t seem like she understands how her behaviour affects the people around her and if she truly cares about you, she would be receptive to feedback. (But delivery matters ofc, for someone who’s going through a tough time). From there it’d be easier to recommend ideas and solutions.
Even if she doesn’t change in the end(Touchwood), at least you know you’ve made your best effort and you shouldn’t feel any guilt moving forward! Because both of you are adults and it really shouldn’t be your responsibility, especially if its draining you
as an elder sister myself, my younger sister has also been one of my biggest supporters and i even see her as my best friend. So I’m sure your sister is appreciative of you spending time with her, especially since you mentioned that she may have challenges with keeping friends. It surely isn’t the easiest to be a constant presence for your sister and may even feel a little stuck at times. It’s understandable that you feel conflicted about wanting to be there with her while hoping to set boundaries.
You don’t have to give all your time to her, you deserve to have autonomy over your time. and it doesn’t make you any less of a sister if you choose to keep some of that time to yourself. I still remember my own sister telling me that she needed some space and as much as I was hurt, I knew it was for her own well-being too. She was quite harsh with the way she said it “You’re too clingy” hahahah looking back, it’s quite funny to me now. So maybe other ways to communicate is, “How about next weekend instead? I was planning to do something on my own …” - If this is something you feel you can say to her!
