No, I’m not exaggerating when I say that. For years, she’s been the black sheep of the family, especially due to her violent tendencies and defiant nature. Despite being older than her, showing up to kindergarten with a few scratches and bruises was normal for me.
Ever since she started Secondary school in the NT stream, her behavior has only gotten worse. She’s been acting out a lot more, and she’s picked up self-harm. She overspends and collects a lot of debt, leading to around 1000 a month on just leisure expenses she accumilates by going out with her friends. Despite my parents’ best attempts at controlling her behavior, she often gets physical with them or threatens to seriously harm herself if they don’t let her do as she pleases, sometimes even going through with her threats of self harm when they don’t give in.
My parents have tried everything - harsher discipline, psychological visits, trying a more gentle parenting approach, and even giving her a few weeks off school to try and see if anything works. It doesn’t. While they don’t want to enable her behavior, she runs off to her friends’ houses very often and doesn’t come back until the afternoon of the next day when they anger her.
While my sister has caused me a lot of stress and has taken up a lot of my time due to her behavior towards both me and my parents, I still love her. She’s only 13 years old, and I believe that she still can change. However, I’m just 15 myself, and I have no clue what to do anymore, which is why I’m here.
If any of you have any idea what to do with a 13 year old who threatens to harm herself and others, refuses therapy visits at all costs, and runs away when people try to enforce authority on her, please do offer some advice, I’d greatly appreciate it.
Hey,
I hear you. It sounds like you’ve been carrying a mountain of stress for so long — way more than someone your age should have to. Your love for your sister really comes through in what you wrote. You’re doing your best in a situation that’s so complicated, and it’s okay to admit that you’re lost. Most adults wouldn’t even know what to do.
What’s happening with your sister is scary and painful — for you, your parents, and her too. When someone is hurting that much inside, they often act out in ways that are dangerous and hard to understand. But here’s the truth: you’re not responsible for fixing her. You’re not her therapist or her parent — you’re her sibling, and even if you love her to bits, it’s okay to need space to breathe.
You’ve already shown so much strength, and it’s okay to now ask for help that’s meant for you too. Would you feel safe telling a school counselor, a teacher, or even calling a youth helpline? They won’t force anything, but they can talk you through this and help carry what you’ve been holding all by yourself.
You’re not failing. You’re not broken. You’re just a really strong person stuck in something really hard. And you don’t have to go through it alone. I’m glad you spoke up — that takes guts. Keep holding on, okay? You matter too.
We are here if you want to talk more.
Hey @user8030. Thank you for being so honest. I can feel how much you’ve been holding… carrying more than someone your age ever should.
You’re 15, and already, you’re trying to hold a role that even adults would find it overwhelming. And that says a lot about your heart.
Loving someone and saving someone are two different things, and it’s okay to love her without knowing how to help her right now. It’s not your job to be her rescuer. It’s your right to have peace too.
Your sister is hurting in ways that are showing up as chaos. And while her pain is real, so is yours. You’ve been scratched, scared, pulled into emotional crossfire, and left to make sense of it all, and my heart goes out to you.
I just want to say that it’s okay to feel both love and anger. Hope and helplessness. Sadness and guilt. It doesn’t make you a bad sibling. It makes you human.
You said something that really stood out: “I still believe she can change.”
That kind of hope is something not everyone holds onto. But I hope that as you keep hoping for her, you remember to hope for yourself too. To find someone trusted and safe to talk to, someone who can support you because your needs matter just as much.
In case no one’s told you lately: you’re doing the best you can, in the middle of something so complex. And that is something to be proud of.
We’re here with you, okay? 
Thank you for the comforting messages. Take this as a little update. Although, while this might be something that I know most people won’t agree with, I do love to let my parents rant to me about my sister. Especially my mom. She’s doing so much as a newly single mother (my parents divorced after too many arguments about my sister’s issues and how to resolve them)
I know it’s not my responsibility, but it feels like it’s the least I can do for the huge burden on her shoulders. I really want to help her because I hate seeing her crumble because of my sister’s new behavior
My mom scheduled a lunch with my sister in a last-ditch attempt to amend their relationship after her school day ended at 1, and waited at the mall for her for an hour and a half before calling her. Turns out, my sister was at home with one of her friends the entire time and refused to go back out because she was ‘lazy’. As such, after waiting nearly 2 hours, my mom went home alone without my sister and lunch. When I came home, I found her eating stale bread for lunch as she cried to herself while my sister and her friend talked on the couch in front of her. My mom broke down to me when I pulled her away and asked her what happened, and she told me she misses ‘her little girl’ and doesn’t know what to do anymore. Now, my sister and her friend are calling up their friends to talk about it like it’s just a silly little mistake, and I seriously don’t know what to do to help her.
Thank you — this update says so much about your heart. I can feel how deeply you care, not just for your sister, but especially for your mom. In many Asian families, it’s common to feel a strong sense of duty to our parents, especially when we see them struggling. And sometimes, just listening to their pain — even when it hurts us — feels like the least we can do for all they’ve sacrificed.
But what you’re doing — becoming your mom’s emotional anchor — is heavy, especially for someone your age. You’re trying to be the glue that holds everything together in a family that’s been torn by pain and disappointment. I want to say this clearly: what you’re doing is brave, loving… and incredibly hard. It’s also something no 15-year-old should have to do alone.
Your sister’s actions — brushing off a planned lunch like it’s nothing — might feel like betrayal to your mom, and by extension, to you. And when your mom sat alone with stale bread, it probably felt like something in your chest cracked open. That moment — watching your mother crumble — is a memory you won’t easily forget. I hear the part of you that wants to fix it. I also hear the part that feels helpless and alone.
Here’s something to think about:
You being there for your mom doesn’t have to mean giving up your childhood.
It’s okay to love her and let an adult take over the emotional weight. Have you both thought about speaking to someone — maybe a counselor, or even a family support service? There are people who won’t judge, and who understand what families go through in situations like this. You don’t need to carry this all in your chest alone.
And I want you to know — choosing to love your mom while recognising your limits… that’s not selfish. That’s strong. That’s wise. That’s love with boundaries. That’s how healing begins.
We are here with you in this. If it helps, we can guide you toward a few support options that are inclusive, familiar with family norms, and safe to explore. Let us know when you’re ready.