My sister really hates my parents. And i dont really understand why. My parents beat her up in the past (obviously to discipline her) as much as they beat me up. So i cant really understand why she hates them and i dont. I love my parents but everytime my sister always blame them for her getting her self-diagnosed depression. One time she came home late and obviously my parents were furious. She never admitted that she was wrong and argued with my parents saying coming home late isn’t really a problem. She screamed really loud at 12 am. It was terrifying for me. She kept saying she wants to die but i really dont get it. Why does she want to die? My parents had given her so much. They bought her a new phone, her favourite food, and also a 2 weeks trip to Vietnam for her school trip (she screamed at them to pay it for her). I really don’t understand how someone can be so blind that her parents are doing so much for her and she can’t let go of the past. I recently went online and found something called narcissistic personality disorder and all the symptoms fit. I just really want her to change but i dont know what to do. I thought of asking her to go to therapy but I don’t think she would want to ( shes been to counselling before and her counsellors betrayed her by telling her parents stuff she said about them)… I’m really scared. What should I do?
Hi user1483,
Thank you for reaching out for support. Your sharing reveals so much about your care and concerns for your sister. I am touched. Despite both you and your sister were raised and disciplined in a similar way during childhood, you are puzzled why she has hated your parents so much while you are not. Currently, her hatred has manifested in bouts of aggression that terrifies you and you are at a loss of what to do to help.
You did not mention but I suppose both you and your sister are teenagers. Due to the hormonal changes in the body, teenagers frequently experience irritabilities and mood swings. Growing up, if they experienced certain parenting styles (such as harsh and inconsistent punishment), it will make it more likely to exhibit anger and aggression during teenage years. You might wonder why you are not aggressive like her. As everyone is different (for example : temperament, personality, introversion/extroversion, etc) and their brains interpret life events differently which can lead to different emotions experiences.
Your sister might have taken the physical punishment by parents in a harsh way since childhood. Thus, when arriving at teenage years, all the negatively suppressed emotions/ thoughts might have turned to bouts of outbursts. Besides, your sister mentioned about her self-diagnosed depression, which says that she probably possess the symptoms of Depression such as sadness, insomnia, irritability, and anger outbursts. Nevertheless there could also be other mental health disorders that displayed similar symptoms as depression. Thus it is better for her to consult a professional to check, so that she can be treated/supported appropriately. In any case, regardless if she has a mental illness or not, she definitely needs help to contain her aggression.
On another note, she might not be having any mental illness at all. Her anger and aggressions could be resulted from life experiences in the past, and perhaps recent stressors (i.e. trauma experiences)
The following are some suggestions that might be helpful for you to explore to support your sister:
- Empathy - do not reprimand her for her behaviour. Instead try to understand in her shoe why does she feel the way she feels. Her thoughts might be inaccurate, but her emotions are real. Understand that underneath all the anger and aggression that you can see/feel, she might be having lots of feelings (such as sadness, frustrations, worthlessness, guilt, emptiness, helplessness, etc ) that made her feels scared too.
- Express to her your concern about her. Don’t try to “teach” her what she should do or feel towards your parents. She probably needs someone to care for her above other needs. Chat with her as much as you can be available.
- Talk slowly in a calm tone. Try to convince her to see a counsellor for a start. She can see more than 1 counsellor and gauge herself who she can trust before she decides who to work with. To begin with, you can accompany her to consult a doctor in GP or polyclinic, if she agrees .
- Encourage her to do some relaxation activity (deep breathing, yoga, etc ) or physical exercise (like walking). This will help her to regulate her mood better.
- Explain to your parents about her mood issues and seek your parents’ understanding to give her some space in the mean time. She might hate your parents, but not you. Thus you are the person who likely that she is willing to listen and talk with.
Hope my sharing helps. You can write in with specific questions if you require more support.