Poor relationship with mom/mother wound

So today I was approached to by someone working on social media stuff for permission to take a short video of myself for International Women’s Day. She asked who is one inspirational woman in my life? And how did she inspire me? I said my mom and then I paused for a very long while (and this was in front of my classmates). I couldn’t think of how she inspires me, even though she has been caring for me and the family as a homemaker for the past 20+ years… I wouldn’t say her sacrifice has inspired me because I sometimes feel that she doesn’t want to be doing it…she has OCD, which has sometimes made living at home quite unwelcoming, she used to be very critical too, causing me to walk on eggshells, I think I get anxious around her too. My family members and I have tried for many years to help her out of her ocd but I’m afraid if she doesn’t want to, we can’t do anything. I’m approaching my 30s… and finally moving out soon as I’m getting married! Hooray to no more living with OCD rules! But at the same time I feel like i have mother wounds? Like today’s episode made me so sad that I ended up crying when I got home. Is there something I can do to heal? Thank you for reading until here :smiling_face_with_tear: one of my greatest fears is becoming like my mom (sorry if I sound like I don’t appreciate her efforts, I do, but I don’t have a good relationship with her because I feel like she’s emotionally unavailable?)


Thank you for sharing with us your fear and story :smiling_face: I can only imagine how stressful and overwhelming it must be for you :') @Elle

Hmm I hear you, sometimes I’m afraid of adopting my parent’s negative habits or traits after staying with them for so long :disappointed_relieved: but I have also realised that actually I do have some good traits from my parents too, like my dad’s generosity and my mom’s hardworking attitude :relieved:

So what are some good traits which you have got from your mom ?

I think moving out from that environment could be a good opportunity for you to reset and have some space to heal and I think if we ever find ourselves slipping towards these bad habits its good to have gentle reminders from our close ones to get us back on track. :slight_smile:

Don’t worry I think you will do just alright heh :otter:
If anything you can come back here anytime we are here for you :smiling_face:

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Congrats :tada::confetti_ball:

I can feel that sense of relief and somewhat of a liberation. I think you don’t have to conform to society’s standards that all mums are great. There are some that aren’t so great.

I didn’t have a good relationship with my mum as well and I was really excited to move out when I finally became an adult.

Not sure what will help but I think when you finally move out, you might appreciate your mum a bit more. They say absence makes the heart grow fonder. My heart didn’t exactly grow fonder after I moved out but I think my relationship with my mum definitely improved.

Give yourself some time, and I guess if you don’t have OCD then you probably won’t be like your mum.

Hey there @Elle,

Thanks for coming on and sharing about your relationship struggles living with your mother all these years. I want to let you know that what you’re thinking and feeling is valid given your circumstances - you’ll find that this community is very willing to listen and support you :slightly_smiling_face:

It sounds very difficult and tiring to be cautious and needing to withstand all the uncertainty, especially given your mom’s diagnosis OCD :people_hugging: She sounds like she tried hard despite the distress she faced and hearing how you and your family tried to help her too.

You mentioned something about mother wounds… I wonder if there were times where you felt that you had to take care of yourself (kinda like being your own parent) when she was unable to do so? Your self-awareness can be a valuable strength here to guide you to notice certain negative emotions (e.g., anger, resentment, sadness) as a response to what you did not experience and what you seek out for. And perhaps you can provide yourself those attachment and emotional needs by acknowledging your emotions (they are neither good nor bad, they just are) and working through them (e.g., being comfortable expressing them, letting go of unhelpful beliefs, strengthen positive coping skills, etc.). You can consider these practices, if you haven’t already been engaging in them:

I’m also heartened to hear that you’ll be able to have your own place (and congrats on getting married! :smiley:). You mentioning seeking to heal - I wonder what sorta things do you wish to be different? I would imagine that your mom might still be a part of it and that changes might not come immediately (e.g., given how OCD symptoms can be managed but not cured) - although your relationship with her can be ‘different’ as you set boundaries and aligning it with what you find important and value. This might be akin to a grieving process as you go through ‘losing the old relationship’ to developing something different/more helpful to meet your needs. And in your journey, remember to engage in positive coping skills especially when you notice yourself starting to feel overwhelmed; if you find yourself struggling to cope with the distress, you can consider professionals that can support you in a non-judgmental manner and in a safe setting such as Family Service Centres.

Let us know what you think about this. Remember that you deserve and can get the necessary support you need. Until then, take care! :slightly_smiling_face: