Separation Anxiety in Adult

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Has anyone ever had an attack of separation anxiety they felt was disproportionate to their situation?

Okay, the scene. Lovely morning in the gym then a coffee with my wife. Then home to work. At home jumped in the shower only to be overcome with a panic at the sudden realisation that I would be in the office the next day and away from my wife for the day. Queue lots of tears and heavy breathing in the shower. I feel my reaction was uncalled for and came out of the blue totally unexpected. Now I don’t know how to process it as I’m really only new to emotional understanding this year having been very emotionally immature about my personal emotions until now.

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Hey @seekingwisdom ,

It looks like you have experienced this for the first time? You mentioned, “uncalled for and out of the blue”
 that stood out. Reading how it went from a normal morning to sobbing in the shower, it felt like your body suddenly got overwhelmed, as if it instinctively responded before your mind caught up.

What we see on the surface, the panic and the tears, is only one layer. Underneath can sit the raw feelings like fear or sadness, and then the feelings about those feelings (like judging yourself and telling yourself it was “immature” or “wrong”). Deeper subconscious perhaps are yearnings often a longing for something


If I may probe deeper and only if you are comfortable to reply
 For some people the yearning is safety
 for others it’s about security in themselves. I wonder which feels closer for you? Sometimes the discomfort comes less from the separation itself and more from the struggle of what you are thinking: “I should be strong on my own” meets “I want to know I’m safe.” Does this sound familiar?

If it is something like this, it makes sense it left you confused. Being newer to your emotions, floods like this can feel disproportionate, but they’re not meaningless. They’re signals, your system testing what it’s like to allow closeness and also tolerate distance.

When you were standing under the water, with the breathing heavy and tears coming, did it feel more like your chest was shrinking inwards, or more like your whole self was floating away? Noticing these small differences can sometimes help you see whether what’s being triggered is more about the body’s raw fear, the thoughts that judge those feelings, or the deeper wish to feel safe.

For now, you described separation anxiety, you may not have an answer to how it can be addressed, hopefully if you pause for a minute with, “this is one layer showing itself,” can ease some of the self-blame. You can consider anchoring as a practice like feeling your feet on the ground, or gently naming “this is panic, it will pass,” are ways of giving your body a signal of safety.

If these moments keep spiking, or grow stronger, you can consider having a counsellor walk alongside you and help sort the layers without you having to do it alone. and if the panic ever feels too overwhelming, here are numbers you can reach anytime: National Mindline 1771 (WhatsApp: 6669 1771).

It’s okay that it startled you. Maybe we just hold that curiosity here 
 you’ve opened the door to feeling, and sometimes the first drafts of emotion come in louder than expected. Let us know how you feel after reading this?

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hi @seekingwisdom ,

Such a loving husband you are, sir!

When you have such thoughts again, I encourage you to channel that emotion into how you will make her feel special when you return home (such as a small gift, a handwritten note, or a thoughtful gesture).

Most importantly, seek comfort in knowing that your wife is at a safe location (home) and that she is just 1 text/call away. :slight_smile:

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Hi,

I’m really sorry to hear that you’ve been through such a sudden and intense emotional experience. Panic attacks can be incredibly frightening, especially when they strike unexpectedly and lead to overwhelming physical reactions. It’s completely normal to feel confused or uncertain, especially as you start to dive deeper into understanding your emotions. You seem very self aware and emotionally mature, and it’s wonderful that you’re seeking to understand your feelings and experiences better.

Have you ever faced panic attacks or separation anxiety before? Is there anything recent that you think might have triggered this? Do these thoughts or feelings occur frequently for you? You don’t need to share anything here, but jotting down your thoughts somewhere could help as a starting point.

Please remember to be gentle with yourself as you reflect on and process what you’ve been going through. Panic attacks are more common than many people realise. It might be helpful to consider some self-soothing techniques–breathing, grounding, or positive self-talk–that you could use when strong emotions arise or if another panic attack happens.

Take care of yourself. :slight_smile:

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Thank you for your kind words @Rotovap .

@FuYuan_Affections I’ve done a lot of self work in this past year on various topics that have included loss and separation, even broodiness and longing. But I feel I’ve never even scratched the surface of whatever is deep underneath driving it all andthat does frustrate me sometimes. But funny enough it wasn’t on my mind around this time, even in the days leading up to it. This felt like a total fear of a loss that hasn’t happened yet.

I like your bit on my thoughts catching up. For the mechanics of it; my upper body and arms wrapped around as if protecting my heart.

@nafas I didn’t want to call it a panic attack as I thought that was a much bigger more powerful thing, and I didn’t want to feel like I was over dramatising it, but perhaps that is the right label for it. As above on the separation part, but no panic attack episode I can think of or anything I would describe as such. Luckily I’m good at practicing breathwork and grounding daily so it didn’t take me long to recover and I was able to put on the outward mask of ‘normality’ afterwards as I tried to process it inwardly. I’ll meditate on the days leading up to it to see if there was even the slightest trigger there.

I’ve booked a session with my therapist anyway to assist. This morning getting ready for work I thought on the irrationality of it all and my mind threw up the fact ‘she is going to die and leave you at some time’. Which brought on immediate tears, again I was feeling fine up until this. I would like to dig in deeper on it.

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Hi @seekingwisdom

It’s really good to hear that you’re going to get some professional support with this. That sounds like such a positive step.

I also want to apologise for mislabelling it earlier; I misspoke. I was trying to better understand what you went through, and I wondered whether it might have been a panic or anxiety attack.

What you described, those intrusive thoughts like “she is going to die and leave you at some time”, must have felt really heavy and painful. It makes sense that it felt overwhelming, both emotionally and physically, in the moment. These kinds of thoughts can come up when we care deeply about someone, and while they’re not uncommon, I can hear how upsetting it was for you. Talking it through with your therapist sounds like a really supportive step.

I hope it goes well. Take care of yourself. :blush:

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Thank you @nafas and don’t worry I don’t think you were wrong in labeling it. I think I just wasn’t brave enough to do so and it was really helpful that you were.

Thank you all for your valued support and guidance. I have since found out that Anticipatory Grief is a thing, and although usually associated with knowing someone with a terminal diagnosis, it can affect the rest of us too at times of low mod or heightened anxiety.

Hopefully this post might help someone else in need too.

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