Sibling in distress/takes out pain through abuse

Hangouts Family and Friends
1

Hi there, It’s been a while.

I don’t know if I like my brother. I love him, I’ll always love him, and go out of my way to show support. But I don’t think I like him as a person. At least, that’s the current vibe.

He’s always been boisterous, loud, and opinionated (not a sin), to the detriment of his relationships. I feel emotionally exhausted just thinking about our last disagreement.

What complicates things is that he is an adoptee from South Korea, and is dealing with his experiences with racism (even within our own white family structure) which has to be so hard. When he talks about how he is uncomfortable or that things are unfair for him, I listen and learn, because he’s my brother and I love him. I want what’s best for him. I want him to be happy, and I just know he is so unhappy. His life is really hard with his mental illness being a huge contributing factor. No matter what medications or treatments he starts, nothing seems to help or stick. I feel like he might even be experiencing medical racism too. I want him to have relief that isn’t self-abuse or illicit substances.

But tonight, I had enough. He must be upset about something, and believe me, I am being very kind and generous with my post here, because he just decided to take out his frustrations on me and my mom. He personally attacked us multiple times and when we tried to get him to talk to us, he didn’t seem interested in getting anywhere unless we were being disparaged or hurt in some way.

I would usually take the emotional abuse, trying to not take it personally, but tonight I had enough. I didn’t blow up at him or take his ragebait to keep me locked in a “debate” which was predicated on bad faith arguments and leaned psuedo intellectual. I just ended things when I found we’d reached an impasse. He wasn’t going to entertain my side or perspective, and after agonizing over his side for over 24 hours, I just didn’t see how his point was meant in good faith and he just wanted to emotionally abuse and dump on me.

I said I wasn’t interested in continuing a psuedo intellectual debate if that was where this was all headed. I stopped talking to him, and he played the race card as a final blow. What makes me so sad and upset is that while I want him to tell me how my whiteness or just whiteness in general have hurt him and work on making myself better, he used the entire argument (which didn’t have to do with racism to start) to just disparage me and a great deal of my life’s work up until last year (I’m 32). I said I rightfully took offense to those sentiments and that race, while a relevant element to anything, hadn’t been a major point of the main contention.

Long story short, I believe he used the POC card in bad faith because he didn’t like that I was setting a boundary to not take any more unnecessary emotional abuse from him. I think that’s kind of low. He’s the type to take cheap shots and low blows when he’s angry and talking to him when he’s in a mood (which is often) that it’s like walking on eggshells around him.

Also, he leans more into misogyny more these days than ever before. How am I supposed to tell my brother who I love and want him to be happy who struggles with racism and mental illness that doesn’t seem to be getting help for that his misogynist arguments and low blows hurt me? Is my pain null and void? Does my oppression at the hands of my own brother and father not count? I don’t use that against him, but I have a strong feeling that he’d use it against me any second he could if he were female.

It was a stupid argument that turned personal because he took it there. I didn’t want to fight him, but I didn’t want to ignore him either to signal to him that I don’t care about him and our relationship-I really do. I just don’t think I can sit around and take the unprovoked misogynist emotional beating he likes to dole out just because he’s hurting for some other reason. I refuse to be his emotional punching bag.

Am I being unfair?

Sincerely,

-Emotionally Pulverized

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Hi @user3484,

I hear just how exhausting it must be to come home each day knowing that arguments are almost inevitable. The way you described your home environment - as if you’re bracing yourself for another round of conflict - shows how draining it is to live with that constant tension. When there’s little chance for real resolution, anyone in your position would start to feel worn down.

You’ve shown a lot of insight into how these arguments play out between your parents. Noticing how your brother resorts to aggression to assert his dominance shows your awareness of the patterns at home. When conflicts restart over and over without moving forward, it’s completely understandable to feel overwhelmed, especially when caught in the middle.

It also stood out to me that you’ve tried to step in and help mediate between your family members. That really speaks to how much you care for your family and how much you wish things were calmer at home. But when those discussions drag on for hours, and still nothing gets resolved, it’s only natural to feel defeated and completely drained. That’s a heavy responsibility for anyone, especially when it’s not really your role to be a “fixer” for family problems.

I also noticed your concern for everyone’s safety during these arguments. Feeling like you have to stay alert, worried that someone might get hurt, must make it hard to ever fully relax. Living in a state of constant watchfulness can take a real toll on your mind and body.

You mentioned that there are times your brother’s anger gets intense enough that people could be at risk of being hurt. I want to check in gently about this. Are you personally safe during these blow-ups? If you ever feel that anyone might be physically harmed (yourself or anyone else), it’s really important to let a trusted adult outside the home know what’s happening. And if you’re ever in immediate danger, please try to leave the situation and get help. Maybe from a neighbour, a nearby Family Service Centre, or by calling 999.

You also shared that all of this has sometimes left you feeling like life is pointless. That’s a really heavy feeling to carry, but I want to acknowledge that it often comes up when someone’s been under stress for a long time and feels powerless to make things better. The fact that you reached out and wrote here, and that you still say you value your life, shows that there’s a part of you that’s looking for support and hoping for things to change.

You asked whether what you’re experiencing is normal and what you can do about it. While disagreements do happen in families, ongoing conflict that leaves you feeling this overwhelmed really isn’t something you should have to manage by yourself. One step that might help is reaching out to another adult outside your family for support. This could be a school counsellor, a trusted teacher, or any adult you feel safe talking to. These conversations are usually confidential unless someone’s safety is at risk.

If you need someone to talk to after school hours, there are helplines in Singapore you can reach out to for support:

  • National Mindline: 1771
  • SOS: 1767
  • National Anti Violence Helpline: 1800-777-0000
  • MSF Online Reporting Form for Domestic Violence: Go.gov.sg

These services are there to listen and support you when things feel like too much to handle alone.

You’ve been carrying a lot of responsibility, trying to keep the peace at home and looking out for your younger brother. That shows how much you care about your family, but you deserve support, too. It’s important to make sure you have people around you who can help carry this weight, so you don’t have to hold it all by yourself.

Other resources:

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Hi @user3484, thank you for sharing something so personal with us. The way you signed off as “Emotionally Pulverized” really stood out to me.

I’m really sorry that you’re having such a difficult time. I can hear how much pain and inner conflict lies beneath your words. To answer your question directly - no, setting a boundary around emotional abuse (or abuse of any kind, really) isn’t unfair, even when the person on the other end is someone you love deeply. Both things can be true at the same time: you can love your brother, hold space for everything he’s going through, and still say that the way he treated you tonight wasn’t okay.

What really comes through in your post is how much thought and care you pour into the relationship. I imagine it can be really exhausting to keep extending that generosity when it doesn’t always feel like it’s being met in return. And that part you mentioned about him bringing race into the argument in the way he did sounds like it hurt in a specific way, because you wanted it to be a space where you can both genuinely listen to each other and grow, not have the “race card” used as a weapon in a moment of conflict.

Your pain counts too. Wanting to show up for your brother doesn’t mean your own hurt gets to be dismissed.

We also wanted to gently check in - you mentioned your family being a “white family structure”, which made us wonder if you might be writing in from outside of Singapore. We just want to make sure that any resources we point you toward are actually accessible to you.

Either way, we’re really glad you reached out. Know that our community is here to support you. :slightly_smiling_face: