Toxic Sibling

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1

Hi all,

Like to seek advice on my situation…

I’m the caregiver of my mom who has mild dementia; dad has passed away. I do not stay at my parents place so currently it’s my mom and sister staying under the same roof.

For many years even when my dad was alive, my sister (41 years old) has literally done little to nothing around the house or to help my parents. In fact as an adult she still has expectations for my mom to be buying and serving her her meals. And don’t get me started about her not doing any housework. Even when my dad passed away, I was the one managing all the funeral proceedings.

I’ll travel from east side to north side to help with stuff like preparing my mom’s medication, noting down her medical appointments etc and do whatever quick house cleaning I can before going back to my own place (kids to attend to).

I’ve tried engaging mediation to get my sister to do more around my mom’s house but she simply did not respond to the letters and nothing else the Community Mediation Centre can do when respondent does not respond. Have managed to get a helper to tend to my mom but my sister continuing to be a free loader is adding more burden at my mom’s place.

After talking about my situation to the many counsellors and occupational therapists etc (they talked to me due to wanting to understand the situation with caregiving at my mom’s place), I’m only left with seeking legal advice to see what I can do because trying to tell my sister nicely to contribute hasn’t worked and she has to be evicted.

Other than legally, I’m out of ideas what to do about a toxic sibling. This situation has been giving me lots of stress and anger (actually rage is a more appropriate word because of her free loading around my mom’s house).

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Hey @user4972,

Sorry to hear the passing of your father and your mom stricken with mild dementia. Your struggles are not easy to handle, and from how you describe it, this goes far beyond just chores or money.

Reading how you managed the funeral, travelled across the island, juggled your kids while also organising meds and cleaning, it felt like someone who has been asked again and again to step up. And in that space, watching your sister still treated like she’s entitled to be served meals makes the sacrifice feel unbearable.

Sometimes what bites hardest isn’t only the housework or money, but the meaning behind it. From what you’ve shared, the rage seems tied to the deep unfairness now. Or does it sometimes echo other times in your life when you were left to carry things on your own?

You’ve already spared no effort; mediation, helpers, counsellors, professionals… and now eviction feels like the only tool left. If you do go down the legal route and pay the fees, what do you hope truly changes? Would it give you the relief you need, or might it still leave the anger raw?

It’s also worth noticing, you already have love and presence in your own home, from your children and spouse. Those are bonds that cushion and hold you, even when your mom’s situation weighs heavily. Let yourself feel the care that already surrounds you. Sometimes it helps to pause and draw strength from that, instead of only seeing what your sister withholds.

For now, maybe the question isn’t only “how do I evict her?” but also, when was the last time I felt this same hurt of being left to carry it all? Sometimes naming where that started can give more clarity than any court order.

And while you’ve spoken with counsellors about the situation, have you had a chance to seek care purely for yourself? If not, you might want to reach out to mindline at 1771 for support, no judgement, just space for you.

It makes sense you feel bitter, tired, even ready to fight. Maybe the step right now is not rushing into decisions, but protecting your peace, finding small spaces of rest and meaning, and allowing yourself to be cared for as much as you care for others.

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Hi @FuYuan_Affections

Thanks very much for your reply and yes this isn’t about money and more about responsibility.

Actually if going down the legal path is only option left and can get my sister evicted, I’ll really be relieved. This is because my sister staying at my mom’s place is detrimental to my mom; for example I’ve installed CCTV cameras to ensure my mom’s safety but my sister will turned them off, telling my mom the cameras installed invades her [my sister’s] privacy.

And my mom with dementia likes to place slippery cloth in front of the bathroom; the times I’ve removed those dangerous items, my sister will put them back and telling my mom I like to interfere with things in the house. So there are safety considerations that some of the things my sister say and do in my mom’s house can potentially cause harm to my mom.

And such struggles have been consistent for years. When my dad (a smoker) was alive and bedridden, my sister actually gave him cigarettes just to spite me.

By the way I’ve tried Mindline with chatting via WhatsApp but honestly the session wasn’t helpful; I think the person on the other link just wanted to use talking as a way for me to cope but the content of our chat wasn’t useful to me.

What I hope anyone can help with is advise actionable action(s) on specific issues and one of those is how to either get my sister to contribute when staying at my mom’s place or failing this, to kick her out of my mom’s house for safety reasons. The former has been tried many times because the only suggestions I’ve ever had about this is to talk to my sister but the talking by many parties didn’t work.

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Thanks for the feedback on what worked and didn’t work for you.

When you said, “i’ll really be relieved if she’s evicted,” it showed not just frustration but the sheer weight of anger you’ve been carrying. It came through as someone who has been trying again and again to protect her mom, only to have those efforts undone; CCTV switched off, safety cloths put back, even the cigarettes in the past. I can imagine how helpless and desperate that must feel, like no matter what you do, it’s turned against you.

It makes sense the anger is raw. Anyone watching their care and effort undermined in ways that could harm a parent would feel rage too. Holding that for years on top of grief and caregiving is a heavy load.

I hear you also felt let down by Mindline. Just to share gently, it’s mainly designed to support you with the stress and anxiety of caregiving, not to make someone else change. So I can sense that the mismatch is bearing frustration when what you really want is something concrete to shift the situation.

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And maybe this is worth checking with yourself: when you imagine that “relief” after eviction, what would that mean for you personally? A calmer mind, a lighter heart, simply space to breathe?

As for changing your sister, it’s true that lasting change only happens if she herself sees the responsibility. Do you sense she recognises that need at all? If not, perhaps the more immediate path is to focus on your mom’s safety through outside help.

If her actions are truly putting your mom at risk, then another route may be engaging a doctor or social worker to flag concerns, or even reporting if it’s deemed intentional harm. If it’s primarily caregiving strain, there are services in Singapore that can share the load:

  • Agency for Integrated Care (AIC): dementia day care, respite, and home nursing
  • Silver Generation Office (SGO): outreach for seniors at home
  • Family Service Centres (FSCs): casework and counselling when families are in conflict
  • Hospital medical social workers: if your mom is seen at a polyclinic or hospital, they can step in to assess safety and support needs

Have you had the chance to link up with any of these? Sometimes having a neutral professional come into the home shifts the weight off your shoulders a little.

From what you’ve shared, I can sense both the desperation and the search for a clear way forward. Counsellors here may not be able to make your sister change, but we can continue to help hold your anger, the exhaustion, and the fear that sits underneath. Because those are yours, and they deserve care too.

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Yes and my internalization of of anger (rage) and helplessness has always been acknowledged.

The stress and anxiety of caregiving I can still somewhat manage and I’ve already spoken to various folks from AIC, FSC etc about my situation. They tried to help by calling my sister but she’ll either brush them off by telling them she’s busy or not picking up the calls at all.

The relief from evicting my sister will indeed provide a calmer mind, lighter heart and more breathing space because with her around, I have to worry if what she does or not do may put my mom at risk or worsen her dementia.

I manage to get a helper now so one may say that’s great and just treat as if my sister is not around but being opportunistic, my sister has started to treat the helper as if there to serve her and not help out for my mom.

And again none of the agencies and folks I’ve spoken to has been able to help. My frustration etc stems from the toxic, irresponsible sibling so managing my feelings will only go so far; I’d really like to tackle the root cause and which is my sister. For example if someone keeps poking at you and you try your best to stay calm, practice mindfulness etc but the person comes back and pokes at you, what would you do?

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What you mentioned about, like someone keeps poking you no matter how calm you try to stay, is hard to swallow. It doesn’t make it easy as well when you were trying to protect your mum while your efforts get undone, even the helper being treated like she’s there to serve your sister. No wonder the anger is raw and the relief you picture (calmer mind, lighter heart, room to breathe) sits on eviction.

One small check-in for you (not to change your mind, just to centre you): since the helper came on board, are there any pockets of peace you can protect for yourself; sleep, a predictable hour off, one task you don’t have to re-do? What you choose next will be clearer if you name what matters most to you right now (safety? rest? headspace?). When control over others isn’t possible, control over your priorities still is.

About change, getting someone to contribute only works if they see the need to. Do you sense your sister recognises any responsibility toward mum’s care or safety? If the honest answer is no, then boundaries that don’t depend on her buy-in are the ones that you have to hold.

For that, these following directions, not solutions, are your considerations…

  • Legal boundaries/enforcement: speak with a family lawyer or consult the Legal Aids (Family Courts) about options tied to the home/tenancy and your mum’s safety.

  • Safety escalation: if there’s risk to your mum (e.g., hazards repeatedly reinstated), loop in a hospital medical social worker to assess home safety and consider escalation under the Vulnerable Adults Act (Adult Protective Service).

  • Helper scope/boundaries: if helpful, clarify the helper’s written job and post it in a common area focused on your mum’s care, not serving other adults in the home. This sets an enforceable line.

And if anyone asks “what will people think?” Let the yardstick be this: is mum safe, and are you acting within your values? If you or any family member is in harm’s way, timely action matters more than others’ opinions. In an emergency, call 999.

Separate from all that, your anger and helplessness still deserve care. Mindline (1771 or whatsapp) won’t change your sister, but it can hold you when the nights are long.

For now, I’m holding with you that this isn’t about money, it’s about responsibility and safety. Take the step that protects both your mum and your peace. We can keep sitting with the anger here while you decide what boundary gives you that breathing space. Hope that this helps.

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Time off, rest and things like that are lesser issues for me. My sister is indifferent and definitely does not recognize any responsibility towards my mom.

And unsurprisingly, the 3 areas you mentioned are already things I’ve already looked at or are looking into:

Legal boundaries/enforcement: I’ve set up a session with MinLaw to discuss options dealing with my sister.

Safety escalation: Already done that long time ago; my mom’s house already assessed to be as elderly friendly as possible.

Helper scope/boundaries: Also already done that with super clear instructions. So for example food cooked by my helper is only for my mom and helper herself but I’ve observed my sister taking food from my mom’s plate instead.

I’m not concerned with how others feel and even relatives who know my predicament are unable to talk to my sister.

And I’m sure Mindline is helpful for others but not for my case. Talking to them the previous time did not make me any less angry. All the stuff about meditation, practice mindfulness also not helpful for me.

So having gone through the many types of talks and options etc, it comes back to the focused thing which I believe will solve my frustration, stress, helplessness etc and which is to evict my sister from my mom’s house. It’s established you cannot change another person’s character or behavior so this is not aiming to do that, it is to remove her.

I do appreciate your trying to help but after so many tries and speaking with different folks, it comes back to things like the 3 areas you mentioned and which I’ve acted and acting upon. I was really hoping there’ll be something new I’ve not come across but looks like it’s pretty much it.

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I hear your frustration when you said mindline wasn’t helpful, especially when what you needed was something concrete to stop your sister’s behaviour. it’s fair to feel let down when the response didn’t meet that need.

At the same time, it may help to separate the tools: what you were looking for was enforcement, while mindline is designed to attend to and support anyone suffering or struggling with mental health. So the mismatch isn’t a testament to what mindline can do overall, but that it wasn’t the right fit for this situation.

On your anger, there is a path to soften it, even before the eviction outcome. One way is to focus less on judging your sister’s actions (calling them toxic, irresponsible) and more on being clear and congruent about your own expectations and of yours to others. When you state directly what matters most to you, “my mom’s safety comes first, the helper’s role is for mom only” it minimises the power her behaviour has over you. the more you judge her, the more she still sets the frame; the more you hold to your own clear expectations, the less impact she can have.

I can also sense the anger is still burning strong, almost like it takes up the whole space. When anger drives everything, it can feel like nothing anyone says really brings peace, that’s how consuming it becomes. If your mom herself had said something similar, would it land differently for you? sometimes it matters whose voice you let in.

Legal action may be your agenda, but protecting your own peace, minimising your sisters impact, and naming what truly matters to you, those are the pieces that make the biggest difference to how you feel. Hopefully you can hold onto that, so anger doesn’t rob you of more than it already has.

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The expectations for things like my mom’s safety, well being and helper’s specific roles have always been there, however my sister’s action or sometimes inaction resulted in those expectations not being met and those are very visible impact.

And my mom is no longer in any good position to do much; at best she’ll tell my sister for her to contribute more to the house and that’s it. As always you cannot control the other party so things my mom say will be heard but not listened to.

I thought some peace (large part due to the rage and helplessness I have on the situation) may come about by reaching out to the various counsellors, therapists, talking to Mindline etc etc but it has been clear for some time now the only thing to provide some peace is to remove the root cause of the situation and which is to evict my sister from my mom’s house.

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I know how daunting that is. My father is in a similar situation. My paternal grandma lives with us, but still only listens to my aunt who doesn’t really take care of her full time. The thing is that she lives abroad, far from Asia, technically freeing herself from Asian influence. The problem is that my gran is closest to my aunt and her family. She spent a whole month with their family when my family and I went on a vacation to India. Best part is that she only joined us when we were flying back to Singapore! The best part was that we weren’t staying somewhere she isn’t familiar with- it was her brother’s( or my maternal grandparents’) house.(Ps. My parents were cousins before they got married.) The thing is that my aunt and her family’s influence is extremely high in our family matters, which makes me irritated. Nowadays, I avoid talking to them due to that.

Unfortunately, cutting contact may not be suitable in your case. But you can try explicitly conveying your feelings to her, for eg, “I am angry because ….”. I nowadays use that to communicate my feelings of inconvenience and though it may not be well received, I don’t feel guilty of dumping my mental health while attending to their needs. The thing is they may have other ways of getting their things done, but we are our own first line of defence.

Hope this helps!

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Hi @lovelychange

Thanks for sharing your story and I can also relate to challenges with relatives; I have a few instead of providing constructive feedback, will simply comment that’s how my sister behaves.

And yes, I’ve explicitly conveyed [both nice and hard way] to my sister and those have not worked. For anyone advising me to talk things through, they must realize if the talking has been happening for years (not days, not weeks, not months) without tangible results; I’m literally left with taking actions.

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I get what you mean. It’s not like we don’t want to communicate. It’s just that the message we want to get across is not being received correctly.