Please help.
I’m in my early 20s. My parents are in the 50s.
For the past 15 years (at least), the relationship with my mum and dad have not been good. When my sibling and I are younger, they didn’t tell us anything to prevent us from worrying. 5 years ago, we were made aware of the family situation.
Let’s start from the start how it happened.
My mom used to make more money then my dad, so my mom is willing to pay for everything. My dad didn’t contribute much or not at all. This includes piano lessons, childcare, marriage ceremony, tuition fee, etc. After my mom had us (children), she quit and became a housewife. This time, he was still paying for the basic needs like town council bills. Idk if groceries he provide. But ik that my mom used her savings when we were hospitalized and such. She paid for the extras.
In my primary school, my mom caught my dad cheating. She have strong proof for it. She wanted to end herself but stayed strong for us. Sadly, we were young and weren’t there to provide her support. We weren’t aware till secondary school when she admitted.
We don’t know if my dad end it with his “girlfriend” but this weren’t spoke of ever again. She focus all her attention on us instead. When I asked her why she didn’t confirm if he broke it off, she said she doesn’t have the energy to care about him. She wanted to focus on us.
From primary school to secondary school, there were times whereby my dad was missing for a few days but will return. I thought it was normal btn families. My mom likely questioned him when we werent around (as we were young) but he didn’t answer. Once he answered that he was working 2-3 jobs that’s why. I think that’s when we didn’t question further. But there were times whereby he does not have work and went out too (based on observations), there were no answers. Although we tried to push him to speak, nothing. He would walk away.
The situation continued till we were in tertiary. We were fed bits and pieces of information on our family situation. The past years (more than 5) my dad is not paying for our needs. Not our school fees, groceries, necessity, etc. We also thought out utilities which includes Town council, electricity, gas, water bills were paid. Pink notices were sent, it is normal at this point… Pocket money for us is only $20-30 me and my sibling about every 3 months or when we ask him. My mom gets none. She got it from her siblings. Worse is only twice a year at one point. I did question my mom why since he is working and the only breadwinner of the family if she has more qualifications. She said she wanted us to grow up well. She told us not to worry and don’t get involved on their problem. She will settle it. We just have to focus on our studies. Once we grow up, things will get better.
My mom managed to get by getting help of her siblings and relatives. They know that we are poor. They think that my dad is not making enough money to take care of us which is why they give money to my mom to get by. Of coz, we children know. We saw them stuffing money into my mom’s hand in “secret” haha.
For the past 5 years or more, nothing is paid. Not any house bills, goceries, nothing. Now, because of the system, only he can see the amount due… idk if he paid or not. In the past, there were a few times our electricity, gas, and water were cut.
I honestly am amazed we got by. It was hard. We manage to get by asking our relatives for money to pay the bills. This money have not been returned. Worse part is that my dad have been asking his own parents (lots of occasions to count) for money which he did not provide for. He even asked for about $100k (all their life savings) from his parents once/twice (from what ik) to pay the bills for which he did not pay. He is not raising them. We were devastated hearing this from my grandparents. We do not know where the money is used on. Only he knows.
My dad does not want to tell us anything (mom, sibling and myself). We keep trying to talk to him a couple of times for him to speak up on the issues or difficulty he is facing. But he wouldn’t want to tell us much. This is all the information we got from him for the past confrontations. And unfortunately, I was hurt (ya ya crying) afterwards every time I persuaded him. During that time, my mom confessioned that her chest or heart was squeezed tightly and had difficulty breathing multiple times. It was really heartbreaking.
From 15 years till now…
- He went overseas multi times. Likely during the course of years he went missing for days. Passport confirmed it (unfortunately we had to secretly see it as he is strongly reluctant to show us). Unfair coz till now, we didn’t go overseas once… Likely he was enjoying by himself…
- He is earning $2-3k and spending all on himself or to pay his debt. Few were given to the family per month or until we asked.
- He is gambling. (saw him go on gambling sites plus verbal confirmation. Oh he says that if he wants to clear his debt, he needs to continue gambling since that’s the only way he can clear his debt.)
- Debt amount is unknown.
- We don’t know if he is paying the bills now. Only he can see the due amount and date.
- We live in fear(?)
- Family is afraid to seek help and get others involved. (See below)
My mom asked his parents and her siblings, they say to “let him be, wait till the children grow older and everything will be fine.” Well, I beg to differ. There are so many questions I have. What about the debt? What about our living expenses? What about our feelings? What about our emotional health? I don’t want to face anymore debt collectors. I don’t want to face any more cutting of necessities. I don’t want to live in fear.
My mom feels stressed out too, she faced it during her childhood, she also faced it in adulthood…
I suggested to my sibling and mom that we should go to the gambling hotline or some hotline and get some help. But they strongly disapprove becoz they say it will push him into a corner if we were to get the authorities to step in. The thing is my mom will tell him everything that we will be doing. Example, if she when she wanted to tell her family about the family situation, she will give him a heads up so he can be mentally prepared. She said that if we were to get the authorities involved, my dad will get violent. Yes, he have violent tendencies. When confronting (especially if he is alone with my mom), he would smash the furniture around (window once…). There were times when he looked like he was ready to hit her. If so, my mom will warn him and tell him “you dare?”. She will tell him that he would have to face the consequences. He would of coz stop. So, if we were to get the authorities involved, there’s a 75% chance he will throw a mad fit and get violent. That’s why I’m here seeking advice on how to move forward.
We are all tired from confrontations. We all had some kind of trama (I believe). I want to end all this nonsense. I wish there was someone who could help us without making things complicated. I’m ready to face anything at this point. But my family don’t want to make it complicated.
I may be missing out some important information as there were too many things. Family (except dad of coz) have given permission to ask here for advice first. Feel free to ask question. PM also can.
Desperately need help.
dealing with all of this and feeling trapped must be quite overwhelming… youre really resilient for having lived with this for so long! it’s very understandable that its difficult to find meaning right now but i want to tell you that you seem like a very determined person!