For the past 4 years or even longer (I don’t rmb), I’ve been feeling really suffocated.
My parents grew a dislike and resentment towards my brother’s girlfriend and things snowballed really badly. I don’t disagree that his gf did do some questionable things to make my parents dislike her, but at the same time, I do think that my parents could have handled some situations more maturely and not have made things worse. I still believe that if both parties (parents vs bro+gf) agree to talk, put down their egos and just compromise, there might be hope that the relationship can be saved. However it seems like both parties are not willing to nudge at this point.
My parents and my brother had this on-off ongoing argument regarding his gf for the longest time since I started uni (18, now I am 24) and I have been the one bearing the brunt of all arguments. I’m literally stuck in the middle and I have to be the bridge between both sides and this puts me in a very difficult situation. On one hand my parents are taking out their anger towards my bro on me and on the other hand my bro is trying to reason with me why he made those choices. It got to a point where my mum was so depressed about the fact that my bro chose the gf over the family and she was barely eating or sleeping, just crying everyday. My dad works overseas so he can’t always be here so it’s back on me to comfort my mum (bear in mind I was in uni with CCA commitments and exams to study for). My bro was happily in his own world overseas studying his masters with his gf so he did not have to deal with any screaming or crying. It really took a toll on my dad as well bc my mum would lash out at him for no reason and he couldn’t do much since he was not home alot. My bro became incontactable and just decided to live his life without a care while my dad was struggling to help my mum come out of her depressive phase while juggling his work. Soon, I with the least amount of responsibilities, became everyone’s emotional support pillar. I had to deal with all the breakdowns, the screaming, the blaming. Where was my emotional support pillar?
This happened across the 4 years of my uni and it got to a point where I had to shut off my emotions and just power through like a robot. I became so numb and I barely felt anything anymore. In y2&3, we were going through 3 family member losses as well, so that made things even messier when my brother didn’t bother showing up for any of the funerals. On top of that, I was going through some emotional turmoil on my own – ended a 4 year relationship. I really just needed a break from everything and shutting off emotionally gave me that safe space.
Things got slightly better when I was in uni y4, when my bro announced to my parents that he and his gf broke up – my parents were super happy thinking that he finally thought things through, but he told me privately that they were not actually broken up and were still together. Once again I found myself stuck in the middle. I kept trying to reason out with my brother that he should come clean with my parents before they found out and everything goes to ■■■■ but he always brushed it off. But my parents were not completely convinced that they broke up so they hounded me for answers that I had but was not allowed to share. This killed me. My bro kept up the act and soon enough I was going on exchange in y4s1. I was super excited because I could finally have some peace to myself. And it was the best 5 months of my life. The emotional freedom i felt there was insane. Ofcourse all good things come to an end when I came back from exchange and my bro decided to surprise my parents by bringing his gf (that they thought was gone) back to our house to “talk things out”. Yeah bad move bro. 0 warning whatsoever. Things got out of hand, there were alot of screaming and fighting and blaming and it was so bad that neighbors came out to ask me if they should call the police.
After that fight, my brother left the same night without any explanation. My parents were distraught and so so angry that he left without even saying anything. and the cycle started again. My mum became depressed again, while my dad tried to help comfort her. I was already emotionally detached at this point so I was doing what I should be (caring for them as a daughter while trying to talk to my brother) and seeing if there is any way that I can help bring them back together. I really tried very hard to strike a common ground for the both of them. Soon enough, I graduated and started my first FT role. My dad decided to bring my mum overseas as well to where he worked just so that he can take care of her abitmore but that just meant tht I was alone at home. I enjoyed the quiet of the house but still felt lonely. I went to my first day of work alone, came back alone and ate alone. I couldnt talk to anyone about the struggles I was facing at my work – the other FT staff there were not very welcoming, and I was really lonely. But I had to put up a front infront of my parents because I had to be the strong one. Take note that all these while when my parents and brother had no contact periods, I was always in contact (somewhat) with my brother. When my parents came back, the first thing my mum said to me was “Why didn’t you tell korkor that what he did is wrong? to abandon his family is not what a son should do?”. After everything that I have done, giving emotional support, playing the perfect daughter, the first thing she did was to blame me for something that wasn’t even in my control? AND it was not as if i did not try to get my brother to talk to my parents i really did but he did not want to. What else could I have done? I broke down after that. and spiralled talking about how they didnt understand what I was going through and that I have kept it in for so long for them. I just wanted them to show some understanding and care, but all I got was “you are part of this family. you are responsible to patch the family back together.” from my mum. My dad was always just a silent follower and he never spoke up about anything against my mum as she would just go on a rampage targetting him. I don’t blame him but sometimes I wish he would take my side on things.
So fast forward, its been about a year since my brother has left the house and a year since my parents talked to him. Things at home are somewhat better but not really as well. I got retrenched from my first FT job and had to really scramble to find another job which thankfully I am employed now. Pay is not as great but yknow, I am getting by. My brother stopped giving them allowance after that big fight so alot of the expectations my parents had on my brother fell on me. I still get the occassional “why didn’t you do anything about your brother” situation and at this point I’m really tired of it. There is nothing I can do about this situation if both sides are not even willing to meet each other. I also recently found out that my brother proposed to that same gf back in August and I dont know if I should be letting my parents know either. It is not my place to say anything and yet if they somehow find out, the blame would fall on me again.
Adding onto this, my extended family isnt helping at all. My aunt (mum’s sister), loves to brag about her kids and how they are in medical and nursing school earning XXX amount and giving her XXX amount every month. Back in October, I went on my first overseas trip with friends since working and I was overseas when I got paid - I forgot to give my parents money in October. I really did forget, not intentionally deciding not to give. My mum came to confront me today about it and I told her I really forgot and would give her double when my November pay comes in. To which she exploded and told me no, i HAVE to give every month without fail and that wtv amount I am giving her now is not enough (10% of take home, I also give my dad, not just her). She said that I am supposed to be giving 10% of my gross salary instead. I told her that I am not earning much, meaning that I would not be able to give 10% of my gross salary to each of them and she told me to suck it up because I chose this job and “in my days when i was only earning $900 a month, i still gave my mother $300. that is 30% of my gross salary. do not make excuses. cut down your spending. you don’t need to travel too. look at your cousins all giving XXX amount to their parents while you are only giving me YYY”. I got quite upset and told her that she didnt understand me and my job at all and I honestly am quite upset, not because of how much she expects me to give (fine if 10% of my gross salary will stop her from raging at me, i will gladly give it to her) but rather, I feel as if she is looking down on me and the job that I have now. As mentioned, my cousins are all doctors/nurses in training and would therefore be earning more than i ever could in this lifetime (i don’t deny it), but i’m happy at my current job and i dare say that i’m doing really well at it. Yes, the pay isn’t ideal but cmon, I’m still just starting my career and i’m sure there will be progression. My mum doesn’t think my job is suitable for a lady (dk what she means by that lol) and have been asking me to quit my job and look for another job (admin jobs that i am not interested in that pays the same). I would rather be doing something i enjoy and taking my own career path slowly than to be stuck in a job that i see no future in just because it pays abit more or is “more suitable for a lady”.
Sure, being a doctor or nurse is something that a parent can be proud of but is that all that a parent can be proud of their child for? what about other achievements? After being retrenched, I went immediately to work a pt job and within 2 months, I was able to land another FT job. my parents dont know how hard it is to find a FT job in this economy and honestly I was really quite proud of myself for getting back up and running in just 2 short months. Compared to my first FT job, I have so much more opportunities and room to grow. I am really happy that even though I took q a big pay cut, I am able to do work that matters. I’m not just there to cut newspapers and pin up flyers (yes that was exactly what i was doing for 3 months at my first FT job), I can now pitch ideas to new clients, handle major projects and even have interns of my own to nurture. I just wish that my parents would see this as success and not failure. Sure, its not as successful as being a doctor or a nurse, but I really would like to think that I have succeeded, even if its a a tiny feat.
There are still so much pain and trauma that I have yet to unpack but I really really really need a break from this, whatever this is.
I’m here to listen if you want to share anything else in the forum.