Transgender issues and societal expectations

Ask a Therapist Is This Normal?
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I’ve been hiding my transgender identity since 1993, out of fear of losing everyone around me. So i tried to follow as I was assigned at birth, as a male. Time and time again, I’ve been knocked down throughout my work and social life.

I’ve been married for nearly 5 years and have been experiencing psychological abuse for nearly 4 years from my spouse and her mother. I tried to keep it together until my spouse caused me to lose my livelihood in 2021, during the Covid pandemic. This caused my first mental breakdown and that’s when I came out to my spouse.

However, for the last two years, she has been making things really hard for me, not understanding my physical and mental condition. I have been accused of having affairs and not wanting to get a job. Due to my physical conditon, I have to be picky with my employment. People around her has said I’m just making excuses.

After a very minor altercation, my spouse left without wanting to resolve issues that led me into another two mental breakdowns within the same month and this led to my complete coming out as a Trans-female. My spouse initially wanted to reconcile but was threatened by her mother of disownment.

I’m also facing the possibility that I will never be able to see my now 2 year old daughter again. At the same time, I facing homelessness as my spouse wants to take our home and leave me with nothing.

I decided to transition socially but now I’m getting a lot of grief, facing a divorce and negative remarks from the older generation. I’m getting stressed out and i don’t know what to do.

I’ve been diagnosed with drepression and being reviewed for Battered Spouse Syndrome and delayed onset Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.
My physical conditions are injured right shoulder, right wrist, right knee and lower back.

My right shoulder and wrist are incurable and limits my carrying weight to less than 4kg. My right knee can only be relieved for up to two years and it will come back with even more pain. As for my lower back, I’ve had two surgeries and the doctor has said if I injure it one more time, it will be metal implants with a 50% chance of being paralysed from the waist down.

I’m really stressed and at a loss on how to carry on.

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Hey there @JoSFC

I’m really sorry to hear what you’re going through. Honestly, I’m lost for words but my heart goes out to you, it really doesn’t sound easy what you’re going through.

I would suggest since you already have a diagnosis I would assume from a psychiatrist, would it be possible for him/ her to refer you to see a psychologist and a social worker for advice for/ on your sitauation and work on your recovery as well as provide you with emotional support as you navigate these uncertain periods in your life.

I hope things will start to look up for you, do keep us posted how you’re doing if you are comfortable to do so, Take care!

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@Marshmallow.youghurt

Thank you for your reply. This is exactly what the Family Service Centre counselor said to me.

As for mental health professionals engaged, I’ve been seeing a psychologist and a psychiatrist for over two years in one hospital and was recently referred to another psychiatrist at another hospital.

I’ve been in contact with various organizations like National Anti Violence Helpline, Samaritans of Singapore, Rhemaworks International and Oogachaga.

But no one can truly help to attempt to save my marriage as my spouse is now unwilling to accept my trans-identity and/or to work things out.

I’m like a sacrifical lamb out to slaughter. But in my case, I’m fated to be crushed into obilvion.

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Hi @JoSFC,

First of all, I want to thank you for being so truthful and authentic to share your thoughts and feelings. It must be really difficult and painful to be experiencing this whole season. I want to express my deep empathy for everything you’re going through. It’s clear that you’ve faced numerous challenges, and it’s incredibly brave of you to share your journey.

I feel that right now, it’s crucial to prioritize your mental and emotional well-being. The psychological abuse you’ve experienced and the challenges related to your transgender identity are undoubtedly taking a toll on your mental health. Your decision to come out and transition socially is a significant step towards living authentically, and it’s okay to seek support as you navigate this process.

Here are some steps you might consider:

  • Continue with therapy: I urge you to continue working with mental health professionals who can provide guidance and support. Given your diagnoses of depression, Battered Spouse Syndrome, and delayed onset Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, therapy can be a critical part of your healing journey.

  • Supportive Community: Try to connect with LGBTQ+ support groups and organizations that can offer understanding, resources, and a sense of belonging. Many people find comfort in knowing they are not alone in their experiences. They will also be able to point you in the right direction when it comes to knowing how to manage your relationship with your partner too.

  • Physical Well-being: Please do focus on self-care and manage your physical conditions. It might be helpful to collaborate with healthcare providers to explore pain management strategies and adaptive techniques for daily life.

  • Safety Plan: If you ever feel unsafe in your current living situation, consider creating a safety plan or exploring alternative housing options to ensure your well-being. You can also read this article for more information: How to make a safety plan | Suicide | ReachOut Australia

Again, I empathize with your feelings- they are all valid and real. It is truly understandable that you’re feeling stressed and at a loss right now. Transitioning, divorce, and facing negative remarks can be incredibly challenging, but remember that you have the strength to overcome these obstacles. Healing is a gradual process, and it’s okay to seek help and support along the way.

Please do take care and continue to reach out for support.

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