This is my first time typing here. However, I really need some advice or else I feel that this subject will continue to aggressively eat me up from the inside out. Additionally, I genuinely don’t know if I am just “overreacting” or whether my experience and feelings are even valid or not.
For context, I will be turning 19 this year. However, ever since I was about 16 to 17 years old, I have been getting bits and pieces of foggy memories through my dreams. To sum up what little I can remember, I was touched inappropriately by a family member of mine and the same family member had also made me touch them back when I was around the ages of 7 to 9 years old. This was a one time incident, and since I’ve started remembering, I’ve only had about two brief conversations with the said family member on this incident that happened in the past.
To clarify, there are no further attempts or intention from this family member to want to repeat the same actions since that incident. Additionally, I’m currently not in any physical danger. However, I have been having a lot of mixed feelings about them ever since certain life situations caused me to live under the same roof as them again. Some of the emotions are disgust, anger, discomfort, fear, care, confusion, and etc. Furthermore, the words that had been exchanged recently between me and them have caused me a lot of internal turmoil.
In the most recent conversation with them, a lot of hurtful things had been said to me by them. Additionally, I don’t know if I’m actually overreacting, but some of their words have made me feel manipulated and guilt tripped. For they had said something along the lines that they feel “very sorry and guilty for their past actions”. However, at the same time, they had also indirectly ask me to keep this a secret from the rest of our family. Furthermore, they had also said to me that “If I wanted to make a police report, I can go ahead. As nobody can stop me. Then I can just get rid of them from my life if that’s what makes me happy.”
Thus, honestly, I’ve been genuinely conflicted and lost ever since this second conversation I had with them. For it conflicts with my feelings for them as a family member, conflicts with my general morals about this subject and it genuinely makes me question whether I’m being the bad person who is making a big deal out of this incident after so many years later. Additionally, although I currently have no plans to report this at all…After all, I’m still figuring out whether my experience even counts as something…
…I just feel…so invalid and over dramatic. For I have no evidence other than the fact that they have admitted only to me that they have done it out of “stupidity” and “teenage hormones”, it happened at least a decade ago, I don’t even remember everything and most of the things I’m starting to remember are still foggy.
Thus, I’m questioning myself a lot, whether is it considered sexual assault and even if it’s not sexual assault, does it fall under any other term? Or am I just the one that needs to suck it up and learn how to move on because they had already apologised?
(Using they/them pronouns to hide identity of said family member.)