Am I overreacting? And does this count as some form of Sexual Abuse?

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This is my first time typing here. However, I really need some advice or else I feel that this subject will continue to aggressively eat me up from the inside out. Additionally, I genuinely don’t know if I am just “overreacting” or whether my experience and feelings are even valid or not.

For context, I will be turning 19 this year. However, ever since I was about 16 to 17 years old, I have been getting bits and pieces of foggy memories through my dreams. To sum up what little I can remember, I was touched inappropriately by a family member of mine and the same family member had also made me touch them back when I was around the ages of 7 to 9 years old. This was a one time incident, and since I’ve started remembering, I’ve only had about two brief conversations with the said family member on this incident that happened in the past.

To clarify, there are no further attempts or intention from this family member to want to repeat the same actions since that incident. Additionally, I’m currently not in any physical danger. However, I have been having a lot of mixed feelings about them ever since certain life situations caused me to live under the same roof as them again. Some of the emotions are disgust, anger, discomfort, fear, care, confusion, and etc. Furthermore, the words that had been exchanged recently between me and them have caused me a lot of internal turmoil.

In the most recent conversation with them, a lot of hurtful things had been said to me by them. Additionally, I don’t know if I’m actually overreacting, but some of their words have made me feel manipulated and guilt tripped. For they had said something along the lines that they feel “very sorry and guilty for their past actions”. However, at the same time, they had also indirectly ask me to keep this a secret from the rest of our family. Furthermore, they had also said to me that “If I wanted to make a police report, I can go ahead. As nobody can stop me. Then I can just get rid of them from my life if that’s what makes me happy.”

Thus, honestly, I’ve been genuinely conflicted and lost ever since this second conversation I had with them. For it conflicts with my feelings for them as a family member, conflicts with my general morals about this subject and it genuinely makes me question whether I’m being the bad person who is making a big deal out of this incident after so many years later. Additionally, although I currently have no plans to report this at all…After all, I’m still figuring out whether my experience even counts as something…

…I just feel…so invalid and over dramatic. For I have no evidence other than the fact that they have admitted only to me that they have done it out of “stupidity” and “teenage hormones”, it happened at least a decade ago, I don’t even remember everything and most of the things I’m starting to remember are still foggy.

Thus, I’m questioning myself a lot, whether is it considered sexual assault and even if it’s not sexual assault, does it fall under any other term? Or am I just the one that needs to suck it up and learn how to move on because they had already apologised?

(Using they/them pronouns to hide identity of said family member.)

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Hey @Imsotired ,

You shared that this has been “eating you up from the inside out”… and that you’re unsure if you’re overreacting or if your experience even counts.

From what you described, when you were around 7 to 9, a family member touched you inappropriately and made you touch them. Even if it happened once, that is not something a child can understand, agree to, or be responsible for.

In Singapore law, what you described would generally fall under offences involving “sexual activity with a minor”.

More specifically:

  • Under the Penal Code of Singapore, a child below 16 cannot legally consent to sexual activity.
  • Acts such as sexual touching or causing a minor to touch another person in a sexual way are covered under offences like sexual assault, outrage of modesty, and sexual exploitation of a minor.

Even if:

  • it happened once
  • it was many years ago
  • the person says it was due to “teenage hormones”
  • they apologised

Those factors do not change the legal position that a child was involved and could not consent.

At the same time, I want to be careful with how this is used.

You do not need to decide right now:

  • whether to label it formally
  • whether to report
  • or what action to take

Understanding the legal context is just to help you see that: this is not something you imagined or exaggerated. What you’re feeling; the fear, discomfort, confusion, fits with what you went through.

The fact that these memories are coming back in bits through dreams at 16 to 17, and now affecting you at 19, is something that does happen when earlier experiences were not processed at the time.

The mixed feelings you listed, disgust, anger, discomfort, fear, but also some level of care are also consistent with the situation you’re in now, especially since you’re living under the same roof again. Being physically safe now does not automatically remove the internal sense of unease.

The recent conversation you had with them is also important. They said they feel sorry and guilty, but at the same time asked you to keep this a secret and told you that you can report them if you want. That combination can feel confusing because it places you in a position where you are expected to manage both your own feelings and the consequences of their actions. It’s common for this to lead to self-doubt, like questioning whether you are making a big deal out of it.

Your confusion seems to come from trying to reconcile two things:

  • what they said now (that it was a mistake and won’t happen again)
  • what you are still feeling (fear, discomfort, and hurt)

When these don’t match, it can make you question your own judgment.

To answer your question directly, what you described falls under inappropriate sexual contact involving a minor. You don’t have to settle on a label immediately, but it is not something you need to dismiss or “suck up,” even if it happened years ago and even if they apologised.

You also mentioned that you have no plans to report and are still figuring things out and I understand you may not be in a position to make that decision right now. However, the more immediate priority is your sense of safety and being able to process this properly.

At the moment, it sounds like you’ve been carrying this largely on your own. Given that the person is still in your living environment, it would help to have someone outside of this situation to speak with. This could be:

  • a trusted adult who is able to stay neutral (does not need to family member)
  • a school counsellor
  • or a counsellor linked support line like 1771 (National Mindline)

The purpose is not to push you into any action, but to help you sort through what happened and how it is affecting you now.

If you notice that being around them brings up tension, unease, or the need to stay alert, that is useful information. It points to a need for emotional or physical boundaries, even if nothing is currently happening.

You don’t need full memory clarity or evidence to take your own experience seriously. You also don’t need to justify your feelings based on how long ago it happened or whether it was repeated. You’ve already taken a step by putting this into words. It’s okay to take the next steps slowly, with support, rather than trying to resolve everything on your own. Looking forward to hearing from you on your next steps and feel free to PM directly if you wish to take this conversation private or have a preference with whom you wish to address this with?

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