My grandma has NPD ( narcissistic personality disorder). Not trying to stigmatise her but I have a few doubts if I’m responding correctly.
Can I ignore my gran when she is angry about not getting what she wants? It’s not that I intentionally want to deprive her, but I really cannot afford to lose my chance on using that something.
I know that, theoretically this is a bad or silly question. But nowadays, I’m facing an ethical dilemma .
Dear @lovelychange
Thank you for opening up and sharing this—your honesty and thoughtfulness really come through. And I want to say first: your question is not silly at all. In fact, it’s fully valid and shows how much care you’re putting into how you navigate a very difficult situation.
Living with or caring for someone with narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) is emotionally complex. It’s clear you’re not trying to be unkind—you’re trying to do what’s fair, to protect something important to you, without causing harm. That kind of emotional responsibility speaks volumes about your character.
It makes sense that you feel stuck. When someone close to us is upset—especially someone we were taught to respect or care for—we can end up feeling guilt just for saying no, even if we did nothing wrong. But I want to gently reassure you: you are allowed to protect your space, your time, your opportunities—even if someone else doesn’t understand or accept it.
It’s okay to set boundaries, especially when someone responds to not getting their way with anger or manipulation. You’re not being cruel by not engaging with that kind of reaction. You’re practicing something many people find very hard—healthy detachment. That doesn’t mean you don’t care. It means you’re choosing not to get pulled into patterns that hurt you.
And I know it’s even harder when the person is family. That makes the guilt feel heavier, the stakes higher. But you’re not doing anything wrong by putting your well-being first. You’re simply trying to break a cycle while still holding on to your empathy. That’s not easy—but it’s very brave.
Please remember that you are allowed to take up space in your own life. That’s not selfish—it’s survival. And you’re doing the best you can in a very complicated situation. That matters and you matter. Please reach out here whenever needed. 
Hi @lovelychange, thank you for reaching out once again!
It sounds like you’re carrying a lot on your shoulders, not just from the demands of your environment but also from trying to navigate emotionally fraught situations with deep care. You’re not just asking what’s right or wrong - you’re weighing whether your choices reflect your values, your limitations, and the kind of person you want to be. That takes self-awareness and courage. It’s clear you’re trying to treat your grandmother with respect, even when her reactions make things feel heavy or unfair. Naming her diagnosis not out of blame but out of context shows a kind of maturity and restraint that many people struggle to hold.
Your question isn’t silly - it’s exactly the kind of dilemma that emerges when you care deeply but also feel stretched thin. Wanting to preserve your own needs and opportunities, especially when they’re hard-won, doesn’t make you cold or ungrateful. It makes you human. Trying to balance compassion with boundaries is messy, and not every moment will feel graceful. But the fact that you’re asking means you haven’t disengaged emotionally; you’re still trying to show up as your best self despite the chaos. That, in itself, is something to be proud of.
I’ll be rooting for you!
Best regards,
Han_Solo
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