“Self isolation is bad. what do you mean you want to be alone?”
I was told that once. Is it my fault that I want to be alone? No, right? It’s normal, but apparently mine is an ‘unhealthy’ hobby. I find solace in being alone, talking to myself, dealing with my emotions myself. I am a very private person in terms of my problems. I joke about my traumatic events with my friends no matter how deep it has scarred me. Privacy and being alone is one of my favourite past times.
But, despite that, I crave affection. Quality time, words of validation. All that stuff, I desperately yearn for that. But it is so repulsive with some people. They like me, they care for me, I can tell. The way they would laugh around me, wagging their tail like a dog, following me around. I enjoy the short time I have with them, the few hours of pure joy I would experience. But after that, I would feel silent annoyance. “Why did I show them that much affection. I better distance myself” And then I do distance myself. I reject whatever they offer us to do, with the stupid excuse of ‘being busy’, and then I would go hangout by myself.
I would feel happy, and then hate that I felt happy around them. I would want to distance myself away, wanting to just cut them from my life. I feel like such a hypocrite. Hanging out with them, and then just hating that I did such silly things…with them of all people. I don’t like them, but why do I feel happy around them, and disgusted at that fact after…?
Is this normal to feel? Am I the bad guy? For showing so much affection towards someone I would show disdain to the next day? Please, give me an honest answer.
Thank you for bravely bringing this up. Please do not feel alone as what you are currently feeling is fully validated, not uncommon and understandable. It’s a complex mix of emotions, and I believe the following could help you gain more clarity:
You crave affection, validation, quality time and words of affirmation from others, which is a natural human need.
However you also fear intimacy and attachment. Due to past traumas or experiences, you might be hesitant to form close relationships or feel uncomfortable with emotional closeness.
To protect yourself, you distance yourself from others to maintain control and avoid potential hurt or rejection.
You feel hypocritical for enjoying time with others and then pushing them away, leading to self-doubt, self criticism and negative self-talk.
You experience happiness in social situations, but later feel annoyed or disgusted, indicating a struggle to reconcile your desires for connection and independence.
It’s not about being the “bad guy” or intentionally hurting others. Your behavior is a coping mechanism, a way to navigate complex emotions and protect yourself from potential pain. However, it’s essential to recognize that this pattern might be limiting your ability to form meaningful, lasting relationships.
Consider seeking support from a therapist to work through these feelings and develop healthier attachment styles. With self-reflection and guidance, you can learn to reconcile your desires for connection and independence, leading to more fulfilling relationships and a greater sense of emotional balance which you 100% deserve.
