Am I “too nice” - Fear of setting boundaries

Hello, I’m bothered that I’m non-confrontational and anxious on setting my own boundaries. This most likely stems from my upbringing when I’m harshly criticised and shut down for voicing out my feelings and wants. I know some even have difficulty saying ‘no’ to strangers (e.g. salesperson) but mine is not the case as I have no problem rejecting in this case, so I guess mine is not so extreme.

However, I want to learn how to confidently assert myself, especially at work since this is my first time in a leadership role. I always have this subconscious anxiety/fear that not accepting others’ request (e.g. colleague asking me to do her work) might lead to negative consequences. How do I change this?

Any kind support & advice will be greatly appreciated! :”-)

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did you try any mindfullness exercieses

@user1668 I did, I’ve been trying a bit of CBT techniques too. I tried meditation but quite hard for me to focus throughout. Sought help from therapist before but stopped after a few sessions.

I think that being assertive requires one to be understanding of the other party’s boundaries and needs. so perhaps in situations where you have to reject someone, you can take the time to understand the reasons behind their request, and also explain to them your reasoning for rejecting their request. while doing so its important to be respectful, and remember that your boundaries matter just as much as anyone elses! you can be supportive without sacrificing your own needs :slightly_smiling_face:. this is something i usually do when im put in a leadership role, so hope it helps!

Thanks for your advice! Understanding their intentions behind the requests is a good point. How would you usually say ‘no’ to requests? And how do you not be afraid to reject them, any examples?

lets say if someone asks me to do their work for them but I have no time to do so, I would tell them that i have a lot of work to do, and im only able to help them after i am done with my own work. if possible, you could also refer them to someone else/ other resources that might help them, but its optional so dont have to stress to much about it since you already have alot on your plate. i think to be comfortable with rejecting people, its really important to understand that your boundaries, time, and energy matter. but of course it takes time to be comfortable with rejecting others, so dont be too hard on yourself. plus, you mentioned that you have no problem rejecting strangers or salespersons, which i think is a great start to practice your confidence in setting boundaries! continue to practice saying no in these type of small requests and im sure you’ll be able to confidently assert yourself one day :slightly_smiling_face:

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I think the issue is I believe it should be the other party’s responsibility to do their own work rather than “taichi” it to me when I have other things to work on too.

I’ve been reflecting a lot and I honestly think it’s due to being brought up by an authoritative parent who usually doesn’t take ‘no’ for an answer so it always has been “Just do this and don’t question/defy me.”.

I’m working on it too. Also, I usually have no guilt or problem setting boundaries with people whom I’m close with so it’s mostly just people Idk well and in professional settings.

Hi @corporategurlie,

Thank you for sharing what’s been on your mind. It sounds like you’re feeling a mix of frustration and anxiety about setting boundaries, especially in your new leadership role. It’s clear that you care deeply about doing well and creating a positive dynamic at work, which is an amazing quality for any leader.

It’s understandable to feel hesitant about rejecting requests or asserting your needs, especially if you’ve experienced harsh criticism in the past when expressing yourself. Those experiences can leave a lasting impression, but the good news is that assertiveness is a skill you can build over time. And the fact that you’re already aware of this challenge and seeking advice shows how motivated and capable you are.

You mentioned that you can say “no” in some situations, like with salespeople, which shows that you already have some tools for setting boundaries in specific contexts. The key now is to build on that, perhaps practicing with less emotionally charged situations, like saying, “I’ll need to think about that,” instead of committing immediately. The key is to prioritise your own needs. How would you feel?

Try reframing this to think of boundaries not as rejection but as a way to protect your time and energy so you can lead and perform effectively. Saying “no” doesn’t make you a bad colleague or leader—it actually shows that you respect yourself and your team by ensuring you’re not overcommitted or overwhelmed.

One small step you could take is scripting responses to common situations you find challenging. For example, if a colleague asks you to take on their work, you might say, “I’d love to help, but I’m managing a full workload right now. Can we brainstorm another solution together?” This approach acknowledges their request while setting a clear boundary.

Over time, you can work up to more direct responses that feel authentic and comfortable for you. It’s great to hear that you’ve been reflecting on your experiences and how they might have shaped your current challenges with boundaries. It’s clear that you’re putting in the effort to work on this, and that’s a huge step forward.

It sounds like you’re beginning to draw connections between the patterns you experienced growing up and how they play out in professional settings now. Recognising that your upbringing might have influenced your approach to saying “no” is insightful, and it’s important to give yourself credit for that self-awareness.

While reflecting on the past is valuable, it’s also worth thinking about the future. How might learning to say “no” in professional settings help you create the kind of career and environment you want? By setting boundaries, you’re not just protecting your time and energy—you’re also teaching others how to respect your limits. This doesn’t just benefit you; it can also set a tone for fairness and accountability in the workplace.

You mentioned not feeling guilt about setting boundaries with people you’re close to, which is an incredible strength! How do you think those moments of clarity and confidence could be adapted to professional situations? Could reminding yourself of the benefits of boundaries in your personal life help guide you in work scenarios?

You’re demonstrating remarkable reflection and growth, and it’s acceptable to progress incrementally. Let us know your thoughts! :blush:

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yess i agree with what you said that its people’s responsibility to do their own work. while its ok to ask for help, we also have to be mindful that other people are just as busy, and we should respect their personal boundaries if they are unable to help us. in my opinion, in professional settings where we are not thattt close to people, its easier to set my boundaries because well, i dont know them :sweat_smile: i think that as long as i remain respectful and acknowledge their requests, then its good enough! plus asserting yourself as a leader doesnt make u look bad, you’re just reinforcing the importance of limits and respect :slightly_smiling_face:

that’s true! haha it’s the opposite for me as i feel less courage to reject people whom idk well yet still need to work closely with… appreciate your insights :smile: :two_hearts:

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For me, if it is a good friend or close relative, saying no is really quite difficult