Being collectively punished too often

[user3484]

Hi there, this is my first post, so please bear with me if I am still learning the rules.

I was just recollecting something I feel triggered by - being punished for things I didn’t do.

I was collectively punished a lot as a child. Being the eldest daughter of 5 kids in a homeschooling home, my mother was overburdened and emotionally unsupported, while my father remained physically present but emotionally absent. Until this day, I believe that if he felt like he could’ve followed his heart, he would’ve remained a bachelor his whole life (never really gave us the impression he liked being a dad).

I have some perspective now, my mom was likely dealing with a lot of mental and emotional trauma, as well as physical issues - being a woman who birthed 5 kids - and just wasn’t allowed to go to therapy or get the real help she needed. She was abused by her parents and siblings growing up, and is likely neurodivergent, just like me.

I received my diagnosis at 27 (ADHD, Anxiety, Depression), after moving out for the first time as an adult. I didn’t go to college and lived with my parents well into my 20s. I’m happy to say I never went back and don’t plan to ever. My mom and I are coming to understand each other a lot better now, but I still see her pain and emotional immaturity from time to time. And I’m tired. I don’t want to be responsible for her reactions anymore, or the way my dad remains disengaged.

All of my siblings and I have our own strain of dealing with it, substance abuse, distraction, overworking, and relationships. I just want to focus on making myself healthy.

This week, I was triggered by an interaction online (embarrassing to admit) where I felt immediately judged and punished because I forgot to say “Hello” before asking a question. The person didn’t answer my question and looked at the camera (live feed) with such disdain, it made me feel like a kid being punished for something one of my siblings or friends did, and I had no idea what it was or why I was getting in trouble. It hammered home this feeling of rejection and disgust, like the moment I entered the room, I was being judged unfit or unwelcome. Now, by all means, I apologized for my faux pas and ended up leaving the live feed, but it triggered me so deeply, it took my breath away.

Being collectively punished, regularly, or scapegoated as a kid has done untold damage to my psyche. I understand that this could also be caused by RSD (Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria), which comes with ADHD a lot, but I think this specific strain makes me reflect on just how much pain and punishment I was made to bear as a kid that wasn’t my weight to carry.

In a lot of ways, I feel like I don’t exactly fit the mold of “eldest daughter syndrome,” mostly because I must share a lot of it with my second-oldest sister, who shows a lot of signs of it that I don’t see in myself. Maybe I do have it and am just not able to unpack it properly.

I am currently un-medicated for any of my issues (past trouble with a psychiatrist who neglected me/going through withdrawal) and have been in talk therapy for 6 months.

I don’t know how to manage these triggers best, and I wish I could stand up for myself when something like rejection sensitivity, neglect, or emotional abuse comes up in my adult life. I wish I wasn’t single, but I’m also glad that I am not in a relationship where something like this could be a big issue. I don’t believe my mom was a narcissist, nor my dad, but somewhere in there, down the bloodlines, someone definitely was.

I just want to protect my peace but also cultivate loving relationships with friends and family, and figure out good boundaries around my emotional trauma. The next time I am punished for something I didn’t do, I want to be able to stand up for myself and make it clear that I cannot and will not accept the blame. If I do anything to make someone angry or uncomfortable, I can admit fault and do the work to apologize and make it right again, but seriously, being scapegoated is one of my biggest triggers and I just can’t accept the way it makes me feel anymore. I don’t want to start fights or make things worse for anyone, but I really really really hate being triggered for no reason at all anymore.

Thanks for reading and listening to my rant. If you relate to any of this, I’d be totally open to chatting.

Sincerely

- Emotionally Pulverized

[CharmingAnt]

Hey @user3484, thank you sharing something this personal. It sounds exhausting to have carried the weight of other people’s moods and mistakes for so long. What you’re describing of collective punishment, scapegoating, and the shock of sudden judgment can leave deep grooves in how your nervous system reacts to even small slights. You’re not overreacting, your body is remembering a pattern that was genuinely unfair and unsafe.

You’ve already done a lot by moving out, seeking therapy, and recognizing patterns many people never name. Healing from scapegoating takes time, but the fact that you’re reflecting and wanting healthier boundaries is powerful progress. You deserve relationships where mistakes are met with understanding, not contempt and you’re allowed to protect your peace without apology .

[Ilovemochi]

Hey @user3484 . So sorry we took so long to get back to you on this . Thanks so much for even reaching out and sharing with us about your situation. It must have taken a lot of courage out of you and we really appreciate it .

It sounds like u have been thru a lot . From having an emotionally absent father to having a mother who has a lot of psychological trauma and watching it all happening as you grow up in an environment where you are constantly at home, it must have been so upsetting to see and could have traumatised you as well . Just want to reaffirm you that you are honestly so strong, so couragous and bold. To be able to witness it and still be where you are today is no easy feat and I am proud of you . Furthermore, to be understanding and willing to hear and gain perspective is just, wow. You are so understanding and empathetic after knowing her background and I really respect you for that.

It is totally okay for you to be tired. You don’t have to bare it all alone and you are not responsible for her decisions and actions. You cannot control how she feels and what she does, but you can control your own actions, which I can tell that you are doing it now. It is totally fine if you want to focus on yourself and wanting to be healthy, physically, emotionally, mentally and perhaps even spiritually .

Thank you for sharing such a vulnerable online interaction. I just want to reassure you that you are doing well . By taking small steps such as going to the therapist to protect your peace and seeking help for your mental health are actions that not everyone dares to take and I want to reaffirm you that hey! you are doing well and you are on the rigth track to heal yourself. Growth and healing is not linear. There will be ups and downs when you seek help and there are days you will be triggered. But that does not mean it is the end, instead it is an opportunity for you to learn and grow and to improve yourself. You are doing well, and it is okay to be triggered on your journey of growth and healing.

I’m proud of you, you got this!