Can someone please define normal?

Ask a Therapist Is This Normal?
1

I hate to be hard but I can’t ever really get a straight answer. What should normal look like. I try to live by the rule of shoot for the moon and land on your feet but I don’t wich way is up when it comes to emotions or mental stuff in general. I like to tell myself and other people that it’s because I like consistency like with math but I’m not good enough at it to have it be true. Regardless I’m rambling at this point long and short of it is what does normal look like. how often are you happy how often do you put on a smile so you can tolerate yourself, do you question whether every single time you feel happy or sad whether it’s genuine. How often do you try to keep a barrier between emotions and reactions so you don’t say anything regrettable. How often do you think about hitting yourself as hard as you can just to keep a hold on cold logic bound reality. What is normal.

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Dear @user2196

Thank you for reaching out. The question you have asked about what is normal is not an easy one to answer. What is normal to one person may not be to another person. I believe our unique experiences shape our worldview, expectations and perspectives.

Your question suggests you have high self awareness and ability to be analytical and reflective.

In response to your question, my answer is that when people talk about “normal,” they usually mean a range, not a single line. I have observed that most people don’t feel steady or happy all the time. They move up and down through the day: a few calm or light moments, a lot of neutral ones, and patches of sadness, anxiety, or numbness.

It is fairly common to smile out of politeness, and many of us also wonder if our emotions are real. Furthermore, we regularly hold back words or innermost opinions too, lest we get judged negatively. I believe that is part of being socially accepted.

When the worry, exhaustion, or self-punishing thoughts never switch of, the only way you feel control is by wanting to hurt yourself. That’s not “normal stress,” that’s distress that deserves support. It means you’ve been trying to manage too much alone.

Right now, the most important thing is safety. If you ever feel close to acting on the thought of hurting yourself, please call Samaritans of Singapore 1767, WhatsApp 9151-1767, or go to IMH’s 24-hour Emergency Services.

You don’t have to face that situation alone.I suggest that when you feel calmer, think of “normal” not as perfect balance but as being able to:

  • feel more than one emotion in a day,

  • rest without guilt,

  • cope without harming yourself,

  • reach out when things get heavy.

That’s the direction to strive for, and speaking to a counsellor can help us learn and practice coping skills that empower us to choose responses instead of reacting on auto pilot mode.

I commend you for taking the first step by naming what’s happening. I encourage you to continue taking small steps forward. Be compassionate to yourself as you navigate your path ahead. And reach out here whenever needed.

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thanks, sorry looking back at this I was really tired when I submitted this and was slightly melodramatic. I didn’t mean to alarm with the idea of self “harm” I think it probably doesn’t qualify as truly dangerous, mostly it’s just causing pain (such as by pinching) as a grounding technique. Thank you for your feedback. My apologies if I caused distress as that was far from my intention. I am not in a state as to do damage beyond occasional bruising if I am not in a good state.

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Dear @user2196

Thank you for thoughtfulness in coming back to reply and clarify. It shows a lot of reflection and care. There is no need for you to apologise for bravely sharing how you felt.

Using pain or intense sensation like pinching to ground yourself is something many of us do when we feel disconnected or overwhelmed. It works at that moment because it jolts the body into the present, but it can also cause harm over time, even if it seems minor. There are gentler grounding methods that give you the same “I’m here, I’m real” feeling without leaving bruises. May I suggest the following:

  • Temperature grounding: Hold an ice cube, splash cool water on your wrists, or place a warm compress on your neck.

  • Texture grounding: Grab something with a distinct texture like a smooth stone, fabric, stress ball and focus on how it feels.

  • Sensory grounding: Name 5 things you see, 4 you can touch, 3 you hear, 2 you smell, 1 you taste.

  • Movement grounding: Plant your feet, feel your weight shift, stretch or tap your fingers in a rhythm.

These engage your senses in ways that keep your body safe but still help your mind anchor to the moment.

If you notice that you often need to ground because things feel too much, that’s also a good cue to build more calm time into your day, such as small breaks, a slower breath, or one person you can message when things feel blurry. You don’t have to be in crisis to reach out for support or check in with a counsellor; many people do it to process their feelings and learn ways to manage intensity.

Please continue to reach out whenever needed. We are here to support you and you are not alone.:yellow_heart: