Can't move on from romantic rejections

Hangouts Rants
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I can never move on from all the times I’ve been turned down by someone. It feels like an almost awkward situation where I can respect someone’s wishes in saying no, but I internally cannot move on from it myself. I try to learn from my mistakes every rejection (and there were quite a lot on my end in my first ever attempt to seek romance) and do better, but it doesn’t seem to work and I still get shot down. I keep wondering almost every night why I wasn’t enough for them. Maybe it’s my hideous face, or my annoying personality and tendency to yap about my hobbies & interests without end. I do feel like my face is just hideous, but can barely pinpoint what makes it such. I have crooked teeth, but because the surgery to prepare for correcting them was so painful I couldn’t see the entire thing through. I’ve never been in a relationship before and feel the need to be in one all the time, I can’t take the loneliness anymore. Feels painful to see everyone around me like my friends and family have in their own happy relationships, while I’ve never been able to go on a date with someone. I just wonder what they have that I don’t, a better face, a less annoying and yappy personality etc. It probably does not help that my parents don’t believe in me either, saying that if I continued to score low grades, I would never get a girlfriend (before using grades that were not counted towards the gradebook and did not represent my efforts in the final exams as evidence). I’ve been trying to improve my own self-worth to combat these thoughts, like buying more outfits I feel more confident & comfy in, focusing more on hygiene like mouthwash & brushing more, and joining a hobby club where I feel rather comfortable in, but I still get these thoughts. I can’t bear to look at mirrors anymore, I just genuinely avoid them because all I see is me, someone who can’t do anything correctly, who’s too ugly and talkative for people and love and probably lacking every physical and internal aspect that makes someone lovable and wanted. I feel like such a black sheep in my family, and I feel like others in my family feel like such too. I hate myself.

Just needed to get this out, cause my intake of antidepressants don’t start until in about two weeks or so and likewise with my therapy plan.

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Hey @joyfulalpaca6470,

I’m really glad you let this out instead of keeping it bottled up alone. What you wrote sounds incredibly painful.

I hear how hard you’ve actually been trying despite all these big emotions. It sounds like you’ve been reflecting on your past mistakes, improving your hygiene, finding clothes that help you feel more confident, joining a hobby club, and trying to build self-worth instead of giving up entirely.

Right now though, it sounds like your self-image has become so harsh that every rejection gets absorbed as confirmation that there is something fundamentally wrong with you. I hear that you’ve been avoiding mirrors, hating yourself, and feeling like a black sheep, which are possible signs of someone carrying a huge amount of shame and loneliness.

However, the fact that you’re already reaching out for therapy and starting antidepressants shows a part of you still believes things can get better, even if another part feels exhausted and hopeless right now. You do not have to become flawless, perfectly attractive, or endlessly charismatic to deserve love and companionship. You’re a human being who wants to be seen, accepted, and chosen like everyone else does.

Just a food for thought, but what’s one thing you can do to show yourself a bit of self-compassion today? :slightly_smiling_face:

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All I can think of doing in showing self-compassion is just treating myself a bit extra. I’ve always done it on bad days but there’s been so much more bad days these past few months.