Before i start my rant i need to forewarn that i might talk about random things
but i try to keep close to the topic. And this might be my last post for a long time.
So i made friends with a gal online and i do not find her attractive physically. I just wanted to have a human to human chat but she got the impression that i wanted to be more than friends and said that she need to draw the line. Started ask me my age and i felt very condescended. I felt that she thinks that she is this hot stuff when to be honest, not to degrade anyone, looks terrible.
Then i chat with a friend and she was all defensive and said that looks is not everything. I mean to a degree looks does matter- Hear me out. I mean why do malls carry cosmetics and why does the people we see in movies good looking?
in her rebuttal she said that " Beauty is in the eyes of the beholder " and not just looks makes a person attractive but other aspects of the person. But here is my take - Its bad enough that some good looking people have bad attitude but for a not good looking person to feel superior cause they have a bit more education and doing better financially to feel that they are the hot stuff ? I mean get a mirror.
I dont condone in body shaming or judge people by how they look. But if the outside of the fruit looks bad and the inside is rotten, how is that good ?
i know for a fact that given the privilege of old age, we would all look like prunes anyways so at that point all we looking forward is the grave or the next life.
I have struggled with self image cause im taking medication that bloats my belly and i have been body shamed by many people i thought i cared for their opinions.
The worst feeling i had was " I am not good enough the way i am "
I have been in a friendship with a 56 year old lady and she thought it was a relationship and influenced me to be more pious. It took me 8 years to realise what was happening. She was changing me to be the version of the dream man she wanted to marry.
I wasnt attracted to her that way but what pissed me off was that " I was not good enough just as i am for a frumpy 56 year old lady "
And once when she started to take up some fitness class she called me fat @ss.
Recently i was blocked and said that i was never deserving of her respect or affection. I was like whatever. I blocked her first cause i was shouted
" GO TO HELL " in public when she had mania during lunch time with hundreds of people present. After a few months i thought i wanted to do the mature thing and unblock and keep boundaries while still having some form of contact. Bad idea.
I recall a conversation in a pub in my youth from a friend " Ugly is ok but cant be too ugly to the point you cant stand 2 seconds looking at the person "
I was called many thing - Shallow, Air head cause i do like attractive people and i didnt think much when i was younger. How it rings true is that you have to be able to stand how a person looks for atleast a few minutes before it bothers you, or not.
Till now i have an issue with self love and always doubting myself.
If i am to embark to change or revamp myself it should be because i want it and not external factor or people. I want to lose the belly and get back in shape for my health reasons , to not feel sluggish and i do dream of trying out modelling even at my age ( there are 62 year old models too ) and not cause im sick and tired of how people look at me or poke fun.
I guess the main message here is that chatting with people can be messy if youre like me and talk all over the place at random things and expecting the other party to empathize with you and getting the whole idea of what you are trying to say wrong.
So, with that, this could be my last post before i embark in the journey of self love and changing from within not for other people to see but to prove to myself that " I am good enough the way i am ".