i feel that i am fat and just can’t stop. and i feel no one likes me because i look fat every time i look at my reflection . ive been doing this for 2+ years for every meals i ate. i started doing this since 13, and i used to be fat, once i became skinner i just cant stop and i feel if i stop i will gain back everything immediately.
Hey @user0227. I can really feel how deeply this affects your day-to-day. It must be so tiring constantly fighting with your reflection, your meals, and your thoughts. Two years is a long time to carry something so heavy, especially on your own.
I want to acknowledge you for naming this out loud. That takes so much courage and strength.
You know, a lot of us grew up being told, directly or indirectly, that our worth depends on how we look. Thinner means better, more likeable, more accepted. It’s no wonder your brain holds onto that idea so tightly, especially when it gave you results at one point.
But the cost sounds so high. Every meal being a battleground, every reflection becomes another reason to shrink yourself. That’s not freedom, and you do deserve freedom.
I’m not a professional, but from what you’ve described, it might be worth talking to someone who can guide you through this. I wonder, have you ever had the chance to talk to someone about how this has been affecting you? A counsellor, a helpline, or even a trusted and safe adult for a start? You don’t have to go through this alone, and sometimes having someone trained to walk alongside you can make a big difference.
There’s so much more to you than what the mirror reflects. You deserve to enjoy your meals, feel safe in your body, and treat yourself with kindness.
I hope you can give yourself permission to explore that possibility 
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hi @user0227 ,
Thank you for sharing your struggles. I can empathize with you regarding self-image. I want to let you know that you are unique, special and beautiful in your own way. You should not let society dictate what is considered acceptable and beautiful in terms of how you look. Bodies come in all shapes, colors and sizes, and there will always be people attracted to every one of these combinations, so you should not feel like no one likes you.
Like what @ScribblingSunflower has shared, you should approach someone about your eating habits, as eating disorders can be tough to overcome. 2+ years of induced vomiting will not be good for your digestive and respiratory tracts, as stomach contents are often very corrosive. What you can do for the next meal, is to have a smaller portion, and incorporate more proteins in your diet (proteins will make you feel full). In between meals, you can opt to snack on nuts (high in proteins, making you feel full).
I wish you all the best in your journey of self-love and recovery! 
Hey user0227,
i want to check in on something you didn’t say directly, but it’s been sitting heavy… have you been feeling unwell physically? like, are there times you can’t stop yourself from throwing up or restricting so much it hurts? your body’s been carrying so much, do you ever notice if it’s trying to speak up? not just through pain, but in the quiet ways it asks for care?
you mentioned not being able to stop. and that kind of cycle, it wears you down, right? more than just your body, but your trust in yourself. like you’re always at war with your own reflection. but this version of you that’s fighting so hard to be liked… i wonder if deep down, there’s still a part of you that doesn’t quite like you yet. can we slow that down?
because if you still feel unliked… after all this pain and control and effort, maybe it’s not your body that’s the problem. maybe it’s that no one ever helped you feel that you were already enough, even before all this started.
is it too much to ask… that the liking begins from you first? not in a forced way, but just in small moments. a quiet kind of liking. a soft “i see you” when you’ve just eaten. a “thank you” when your body makes it through another day.
you’ve been doing this for 2+ years. i think that’s someone who’s been surviving really hard, even when it hurts. but i also gently ask, what would it be like to survive with yourself, not against yourself? and maybe it’s not even about wanting to be skinnier anymore, right? maybe it’s the fear that if you stop, you’ll lose something, not just your size, but how people see you… or maybe how you see yourself.
when you said people don’t like you because you look fat… i really felt how painful that belief is. When you look at youself in the mirror, is that what the mirror tells you, or is that something someone once made you feel? do you think it’s actually about your body, or has it come to mean something else?
and if being skinnier was supposed to help, to make things feel safer or better, why does it still feel so hard to stop? is it that you’re afraid of going back… or that even now, it still doesn’t feel like enough?
who do you want to be liked by… and how would they know the real you?
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Hey @user0227 I can sense that this is something you’ve been carrying all by yourself for quite a while. Thoughts of being fat and hating your reflection, together with the painful feeling of vomiting after every meal, I get the feeling that you can’t control these thoughts and your reactions too.
It’s not your fault that you’re feeling this way. Your mind seems to be working against you, and you can’t stop yourself from vomiting.
It would be good to share your vomiting tendencies to someone you trust, they may be able to provide you with that guidance and support to deal with the problem. However, if despite efforts with the help of trusted friends/family things does not get better, it might be better to seek professional help from a counsellor or psychologist. They are equipped with the necessary knowledge to give you a concrete treatment plan to overcome the problem.
As for now, take things one step at a time. You don’t need to stop your tendencies overnight, in fact, it’s very hard to do so. So please don’t place too much pressures on yourself, take your time, and know that you’re not in this alone! 
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Hi @user0227,
I hear you - and I want you to know that what you’re feeling is deeply valid, even if it’s painful. Living with that constant fear and pressure around food and your body can feel like being trapped in a cycle that never lets you rest. The fact that this started so young, and has carried through for years, speaks to how long you’ve been carrying this weight - not just physically, but emotionally. It’s not just about meals or mirrors; it’s about the ache of wanting to be accepted, to feel safe in your own skin, and the exhausting belief that your worth is tied to how you look. That kind of burden can make every bite feel like a battle, and every reflection feel like a judgment. You’re not alone in this, even if it feels that way.
However, to echo what @ScribblingSunflower and @Rotovap have mentioned, it would be good to speak to a professional about your struggles, as eating disorders can get better with early intervention. You may wish to visit a General Practitioner or a polyclinic for an assessment, and the doctor will provide a treatment plan if necessary.
Here is the link to find your nearest GP / polyclinic: mindline.sg | Free Mental Health Resources & Mindfulness Tools in Singapore
If you have any further questions on how to seek help, do let us know. 
Best regards,
HanSolo2000
Befriender | let’s talk by mindline
Hey @user0227 I’m so sorry to hear you are going through that. It must feel so lonely to think that no one likes you because of your looks. But know this, you are NOT alone.
It must feel like a constant battle between wanting to feel skinny, but also not wanting to vomit anymore. And getting out of this cycle is hard. And it must feel awful to constantly have thoughts about your appearance running through your mind.
You were really brave to share all this, and I’m glad you did. But maybe you’d also like to speak to a professional about this? They can help with fixing underlying the issues that might’ve caused this, and teach you ways to cope with the thoughts so that you don’t vomit anymore.
I went through years of purging too. So I am proof that things can get better. To be honest, it wasn’t easy, but it was definitely worth it. So I hope you do seek professional help, because life should be more than freaking out over how you look or what you ate for dinner. You can get through this, okay? Jiayou, and if you ever want to share more, this platform is always open.
Hello @user0227 thank you for opening up about this. It sounds like you’ve been carrying a lot of pain around your body and food for a long time. What you’re describing, the constant fear of gaining weight, the way you see your reflection, and the cycle you’ve been stuck in, is something many people struggle with, and it can be incredibly hard to live with day after day.
These thoughts and feelings don’t make you weak, they reflect how intense the pressure and fear can be when it comes to body image and control.
You’re not alone in this. And most importantly, you deserve support that helps you feel safe in your body and around food. If it ever feels possible, talking to a therapist who understands disordered eating could really help. You don’t have to keep carrying this on your own. Your pain is valid, and you matter.