i feel like the world hates me

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tw/ ed (?) related things

ive been eating more than usual and im really upset about it… idk why but im very unnaturally upset? i used to have an issue w restricting food and it got better but now my appetite is rll rll high and im super stressed about it.. i tried to make myself throw up a few times and i physically cant idk why or what im doing wrong and thats stressing me out even more..

idk ive been having more emotional breakdowns recently.. dont know why.. im really sad i dont think im asking for much ive accepted that im never going to stop feeling miserable or ever have anyone that would understand or care or ever feel like a person i just want to be thin why am i not even allowed to have that one thing :frowning:

my brain is also so weird these days?? keep swinging between feeling completely numb and empty to having really short bursts of really intense negative emotion then suddenly feeling completely numb and empty again.. its quite jarring and i feel quite confused and scared

im so sad and i feel like i cant talk to anyone i feel so so immensely sad these few days and earlier i tried texting the hotline and they didnt respond for like 20 minutes logically probably technical issue but its making me feel more like everyone hates me and :sob::broken_heart: aghhh im just so done with everything

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Heyy @crabs, I’m really, really sorry you’re feeling this way. I can hear how exhausted and overwhelmed you are, and I want you to know that your pain is valid. You’re not being dramatic or attention-seeking, and you absolutely don’t deserve to go through this alone.

What you’re describing (the sudden emotional swings, the deep sadness, the feeling like no one cares) are real, intense experiences. And when you’ve already been through disordered eating and feel like it’s coming back in a stronger, scarier way, it can feel like you’re losing control of everything. But you’re not weak, and you’re not broken. You’re hurting, and you’re trying which already means so much.

About the food:
When you’ve had a history of restricting, it can feel absolutely terrifying to suddenly have a strong appetite. But here’s something many people don’t get, your body is not betraying you. It’s trying to recover. Hunger doesn’t mean you’re failing but means that your body is waking up again after being deprived. That’s not something to punish. That’s a sign you deserve nourishment and you deserve care, even if your brain is screaming the opposite.

I know it’s so, so hard. Especially when you tried reaching out for help (like with the hotline) and didn’t get the response you needed. That delay, even if it was technical, can feel like proof of everything your mind is telling you — that no one cares, that you’re alone. But that’s not the truth. The truth is that you matter, even if you don’t feel like it right now.

I hear the desperation and the hurt in that line. I want to say that desire isn’t just about thinness. It’s about control, worth, being seen, being enough, maybe even being safe. Wanting that “one thing” often isn’t about the body at all but about the hope that maybe if you had it, you’d finally feel okay. But I promise you, you are already worthy. Your pain does not need to be earned.

You’re not done. You’re hurting. There’s a difference. And I believe, even if you don’t yet, that there is more ahead than this pain :yellow_heart:.

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Hey @crabs. Thank you so much for being open and vulnerable. I know it must’ve taken a lot. It sounds like you’re carrying so much pain right now, and it only makes sense that you’re feeling overwhelmed and exhausted. I just want you to know that I hear you.

The way you’re describing your emotions… the swinging between numbness and intense sadness, the stress around eating, the feeling of being “too much” yet “not enough”, it’s something a lot of us who’ve struggled with emotional burnout have felt too. You’re not weird or weak. You’re overwhelmed, and your body and brain are trying to cope in the only ways they know how.

It’s okay if your appetite has changed. That doesn’t mean you’ve “failed”. It could be your body finally asking for what it’s been deprived of. That’s not a betrayal, that’s survival.

I wonder if instead of fighting your body, you could try caring for it in a soft, non-judging way? Even just checking in with yourself once a day and asking, “What do I need right now?”. It could be rest, food, distraction, a cry, a journal entry, a sing-along session or just telling yourself “I’m doing the best I can”… all this can be a gentle start.

You’re not weak for struggling. And I promise, things don’t always stay this dark. You deserve support that stays when others don’t. If the hotline wasn’t responsive, maybe there are other safe people or platforms who can be there for you.

You matter more than you know. Healing doesn’t have to be all at once. One gentle step at a time, okay? :sunflower:

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hey @crabs… not here to fix or cheer you up. just sitting with that part of you that feels like even your own body’s turning against you.

you said “i just want to be thin why am i not even allowed to have that one thing”, i feel like that’s not about size at all. Perhaps, it sounded more lika about fairness. about having some say over what hurts you and when. and when your body starts wanting food again, it’s like it’s gone against you. like it forgot the rules you made to keep the pain quiet.

you’re not weird for feeling scared that you can’t cry when you’re supposed to, or for wanting control when everything feels jagged. your breakdowns aren’t attention-seeking, they’re overflow.

and that numb-intense-numb swing you mentioned… that’s not random. that’s your system trying to avoid drowning by shutting off, then spilling over. it doesn’t mean you’re broken. it means you’ve been carrying way too much with not enough places to put it.

the part about the hotline… i know your brain says “technical issue” but your body heard “they don’t care”. that hit deep because you’re already believing it’s true.

maybe your body not letting you purge isn’t a betrayal. maybe it’s the last small part of you that still wants you here. not as a shell, not as a project, but as a person.

if we just slow it down a little, what’s coming up for you right now? where’s the ache sitting?

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Hey @crabs , I just want to say I’m really sorry you’re feeling this way. Everything you wrote, from the stress around eating, the emotional swings, the sadness, to the feeling like no one understands, it all sounds incredibly hard to carry. You’re not alone in this, even if it feels that way right now.

Feeling numb one moment and overwhelmed the next can be really disorienting. And I know it’s easy to believe that if someone doesn’t reply (like the hotline), it means you’re not worth helping, but that’s not true. Sometimes it’s a tech issue or just timing, but none of it changes the fact that you matter, and you deserve support.

I hope you can be a little gentle with yourself right now. You’ve already shown a lot of strength by writing this out and trying to reach out. You’re allowed to feel like this, and it doesn’t mean you’re broken or beyond help.

You don’t have to solve everything right away. Just breathing, grounding, and getting through this moment is enough for now. You’re not alone here. Truly.

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thank you, your kind words really mean a lot :face_holding_back_tears:

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thank you, means a lot :") i’ll try looking at it from a new perspective, i saw my many recent breakdowns as a negative thing but maybe a cry is good

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as much as i hate to admit it that does make sense :") restricting gave me a lot of comfort and i miss that :pensive_face: but none of the healthy ways quiet the pain as well as restricting or purging or cutting does :confused: i don’t want to do any of this but i feel like i have no choice :broken_heart:

how else do i make my emotions stop swinging :frowning: im in a weird place with my therapist kinda having given up on me and aghhh… don’t know if im allowed to say this here but i recently survived an attempt and ever since then ive been in a weird cloudy headspace.. none of the healthy ways work.. :–(

it is comforting to hear the perspective that my body is trying to protect me tho :") feel like at least someone/something is trying to take care of me even when i have given up

theres a really heavy feeling in my chest and i can’t make it go awayy

thank you @FuYuan_Affections it means a lot

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thank you, i will try :")

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Hey @crabs,

you said it straight, “none of the healthy ways work.” yah. they don’t always. especially not when the pain is sharp and old and layered. they can feel so small. like throwing a pebble at a landslide.

and that line, “i don’t want to do any of this but i feel like i have no choice.” that one hit hard. because that’s what this is, right? it’s not about wanting to die. it’s about not wanting to feel like this anymore.

and i don’t think you’re broken for missing the comfort of restriction. you were trying to stay alive. and i wonder if even the cutting and the purging, they weren’t about destruction. maybe they were you trying to make the chaos stop screaming.

your therapist giving up on you… i’m not brushing that off. that kinda loss hurts. it confirms the worst fear, that you’re too much or too far gone. but that’s not truth. that’s rupture. and rupture isn’t the end. it’s just the part where you start needing a different kind of holding.

the heavy feeling in your chest, don’t try to get rid of it right now. just try noticing it without needing it to go. what if that heaviness is your body mourning for something it never got?

you survived. you’re not out of place for feeling weird. your system’s still spinning, recalibrating after holding on so tight.

when you said it was comforting to think your body’s trying to take care of you—that part really matters. even now, with everything, some part of you is still choosing to stay. not because it’s easy, but because maybe, deep inside, there’s a version of you that doesn’t want to be erased.

you’re not asking for too much. please take good care of yourself.

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