My father is quite a successful doctor working internationally and that’s good for him. But the problem is that he keeps pushing me to be the best in my school in order to be as successful as him. Sometimes he gets too extreme and hits me (really hard btw), forces me to study outside and not in my room, kicking me out of the house, etc. he has also threatened to make me sleep at the void deck and i feel like he would actually do it. His reasoning is always that “we need to fear something to motivate us” and he is “setting a role model for what I should become”. As much as I want to believe him I think being this extreme is less of motivating me and more of disencouraging me, and he won’t listen when i try to explain myself. How do i deal with this?
Hey there @user4486,
Thank you so much for opening up something so personal and difficult. It takes incredible strength to share what you’re going through, and I want you to know that your feelings are completely valid
What you’re experiencing at home sounds really frightening and overwhelming. No matter how much your father wants you to succeed, the way he’s treating you - the hitting, forcing you out of the house, those threats - none of that is okay yeh? You deserve to feel safe and loved in your own home, especially when you’re already working hard at school
You’re instincts are so right to feel that this isn’t motivating you. When we’re scared or stressed, it becomes so much harder to learn and perform well. Your heart is telling you something important here - that love and support help us grow, not fear and punishment.
I’m wondering if there’s someone safe you could talk to about this? Maybe a teacher you trust, a school counselor, or perhaps a relative or family friend who really cares about you? These people can sometimes help in ways we don’t expect, and having someone in your corner can make a great difference
Your school might also have resources or counselors who understand family situations like this. Sometimes they can even help families find better ways to communicate and support each other (if you’re up for this but if the situation is far from that, always ensure that you are protected first yeh?)
Please know that wanting to be safe and treated kindly doesn’t make you ungrateful or disrespectful. You’re asking for basic human dignity, which every young person deserves. You’re being so brave by recognizing that this isn’t right, and you don’t have to face this alone. There are people who will understand and want to help you through this💙
Many hugs~
I think a third party might be helpful to ease this tension. What does your mum think? Do you have siblings and is your father as strict with your siblings as well?
Hey @user4486. I just want to say I’m really proud of you sharing this. It takes so much courage to speak up about what’s happening at home. The fact that you’re able to share this shows just how strong you are, even in the middle of feeling unsafe and overwhelmed. It sounds like your dad really ties success to pressure and fear, but from what you shared, you’ve already figured out that’s not the way you want to live. That’s such a powerful realization. Success isn’t just about grades or following a parent’s footsteps, it’s also about having peace of mind, feeling safe, and being proud of who you are.
It’s okay if your version of success looks different from your dad’s. In fact, that’s part of growing into your own person.
You’re right to recognize that fear and punishment don’t help you thrive, it shows a lot of maturity and insight on your part. If it feels right for you, here are some small steps that could bring a bit more safety and steadiness. For example:
- Keep a safe person in mind: maybe a teacher, school counsellor, or mentor, who you can reach out to if things feel unsafe.
- Find safe ways to regulate stress: like listening to music, grounding techniques, or exercising so the pressure doesn’t consume you.
- Journaling (if you feel comfortable): because sometimes writing down what you’ve experienced helps you feel clearer about what’s going on. Even sharing it here is an outlet for you.
Sending you strength and gentleness as you keep moving forward. You really deserve to feel safe and supported 
i agree with this!!! maybe something that might help us understand abit more is if you have any siblings or what the age order is like… in my opinion it feels as if the high expectations he has set for himself (which helped him succeed, or might have come with his succession) has overflowed into his expectations of you, and as a result produced some undesirable effects onto you manifested as pressure instead of encouragement 
but jiayous!!! i know it’s v hard when there’s external pressure impacting your identity, self worth, and expectations of yourself :(((
Hi @user4486 thanks for sharing🫂 It sounds like you’re going through a really difficult time and it’s been very stressful and frustrating. You’ve been pushed really hard and I’m sure it isn’t easy to always be pressured that way. You seem to understand that your father has good intentions but at the same time the way he carries them out may be quite unhealthy for you and of course your father-child relationship.
I agree that motivation doesn’t always need to come from fear but can also be fuelled by passion and love for something, which would also make hard work more enjoyable and healthy❤️
Perhaps you can consider talking to him about it? You could tell him that you appreciate him caring for your future but also assure him that you are doing your best already and are determined to reach your goal, just not through his methods. Words may not always work best so you could also trying making your self-initiated actions of discipline through your own methods more obvious to him?(or maybe you already are😅)
but of course confrontation is always easier said than done and finding the right time and also appropriate tone would matter a lot…
Alternatively you may also consider talking to a school counsellor?
Feel free to share more:heart: we’re here to listen 
Hi @user4486 Thank you for sharing this with us.
I’m sorry you’re going through this. No one deserves to be hit hard or to be frightened in order to study. Everyone’s trying their best, and you deserve support to get through your studies, rather than fear.
The feeling of becoming less motivated is so valid. When there’s fear, we have a few responses – Flight (where we want to run), Fight (where we want to fight back), or Freeze (where we clam up and don’t know what to do). Many of these are not helpful for being focused. So it makes a lot of sense. Most of all, though, it means that there’s no safety, which you very much deserve.
If you have safe adults that you can trust in school, do confide in them. Like a teacher or school counsellor. You are important and deserve all the support
Hello @user4486 thank you so much for opening up about this. It takes a lot of strength and courage to share something so personal, especially when it involves your own father.
From what you’ve described, it sounds like you’re under an incredible amount of pressure. Being expected to live up to someone else’s idea of success, especially when it’s enforced through fear, can be emotionally exhausting. You’re right to feel discouraged. That reaction is completely valid.
What’s even more serious is that your father’s actions. Hitting you, forcing you to study outside, threatening to kick you out, go beyond pressure. No one deserves to be treated that way, no matter the reason. Love and motivation should never come through fear or violence.
I want to remind you that this is not your fault, and you don’t have to go through this alone. If you can, please speak to a trusted adult such as a teacher, school counsellor, relative, or someone you feel safe with. Your safety is the most important thing right now.
You might also find it helpful to speak with a mental health professional. They can support you in processing what you’ve been through and help you cope in a way that supports your well-being and academic goals.
You have already shown so much strength by speaking up, but strength does not mean you have to face everything on your own. You deserve to feel safe, respected, and supported especially at home.
Please take care of yourself, and remember: asking for help is not weakness, it’s one of the bravest things you can do.
Oh no I hope you are okay thank you so much for sharing this with us! That is definitely not an easy situation to be in, and as much as your father may mean well, it seems to be affecting you quite a bit :’ I was also wondering if you considered telling a trusted third party (teacher, counsellor, social worker) or other family members about this so they could help you? Some of these people are trained professionals and might be able to help you in addressing these challenges and help you if you are okay with them being involved! please know that you are amazing for trying your best already, and voicing your troubles is very brave of you, I do sincerely hope that things improve for you and know that you are not alone okays there is help out there!