Recently i have been hanging out with a colleague, X who is married. X has issues with marriage and i was listening to X complain and feel in love with X. I am also in a relationship with my partner, Y.
I asked X out on several occasions and held hands with X. As we go on dates, we both started to feel guilty. What should X and I do? Should we be truthful to our partners? Both X and i are stressed out in how to face each other daily in office. How can i protect Y’s feeling?
I think it would be best to break it off with X because it is not a good thing to be a home wrecker. My advice is to remain as just friends first without holding hands, etc. Until he has settled his family issues with his wife without your interference, wait for another 6 months before deciding to start dating him or not. He may cheat on his wife now means he may cheat on you in the future. Same goes for you, if you have the tendency to cheat now, you may also cheat in the future. Best to take one step back and think things through.
Hi anonymous 390
Thank you for bravely bringing up what you are currently facing. I fully agree and deeply empathise that the situation you are currently in is both difficult and sensitive. There are added layers of complexity coming into the mix - in the form of your developing feelings for X which she is also reciprocating. I agree this is a delicate situation, and observing honesty is a good way to go. Do consider the following:
Acknowledge your feelings
Recognize your emotions and the complexity of the situation.
Dialogue and agree with X to set up boundaries to prevent the relationship from developing further until you both sort things out.
I can fully understand how difficult this is going to be for both of you. However if you do not want to hurt Y’s feelings as you have shared above, It’s essential to pause seeing X until you have sorted out your relationship with Y.
Both X and you need to be mindful that X is at the crossroads in her marriage and getting herself romantically involved with you or anyone else will further strain her marriage and impact future decisions.
Be truthful to yourself, Y and X.
First be honest with yourself and know what you truly want.
Whatever your decision, be upfront and approach the conversation with Y with empathy and honesty. Explain your actions and take responsibility. Be prepared for various reactions such as shock, anger, blame, sadness, mistrust and confusion.
The next steps would depend on what Y and you agree on. Rebuild trust through open communication and transparency. Seeking couple therapy may be an option to consider.
Keep X updated too.
Office interactions
Maintain a professional distance and demeanour. Avoid awkwardness by being respectful and courteous.
Remember, honesty and respect are vital in resolving this situation. Prioritize empathy and understanding for all parties involved. 
What if u have trouble maintaining boundaries? Coz the attraction is too strong?
1 Like
Hello,
It seems that you are experiencing feelings of confusion, on whether to fulfil your wants (your relationship with X), as well as trying to protect your partner, Y.
Truth to be told, if you want to fulfil both these wants together, there is only one possible solution, and that is to hide this adulterous relationship forever. Whether that is sustainable or not would be a question you have to ask yourself, and whether you are unable to bear the feelings of guilt is also something that only you yourself would know the answer to.
Your feelings of wanting to maintain both relationships is understandable. In multiple points of human history, many humans have been shown to have multiple partners. (E.g: Rulers with multiple wives, concubines, etc.).
In today’s context, being in an adulterous relationship is perfectly legal. When debating about it’s morality, it is only something that you yourself can answer, depending on the values you uphold.
To aid you in resolving this problem, you have to first decide on what your wants are.
- Do you want to continue this relationship with X? You have to accept the risk of your partners finding out.
- Do you want to be truthful and honest with Y? You have to accept that there is a chance that Y may not accept it and lead to you both divorcing.
- Do you want to end this relationship with X and pretend it never happened at all? You have to accept that your partners may eventually find out and get angrier at the fact that you hid this from them. Trust may be unmendable for this scenario.
It is understandable that you would want to protect your relationship as much as possible as humans naturally fear loss. But the hard truth is, we cant have our cake and eat it, too. For every decision we make in life, there is a cost-benefit analysis we have to make.
Now, it is time to perform another cost-benefit analysis with regards to this potentially life changing decision you have to make.
All the best, do think it clearly through!
1 Like
Dear anonymous 390,
Thank you for being open to sharing this with us.
I can see that this is a difficult and complicated situation for you and X. It’s important to take a step back and consider the impact of your actions on everyone involved. Being truthful and honest with your partners is crucial, as maintaining a relationship built on trust is essential. It’s also important to prioritize the feelings of your partner, Y.
Open and honest communication with both X and Y is the first step towards resolving this situation. It might also be helpful to seek guidance from a professional to navigate through these difficult emotions and decisions. Be mindful to approach this with empathy and understanding for everyone involved.