Delusions of a family member and what to do about it.

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So I’ve been struggling with this for the past month or so, and I am feeling very stressed and cornered by this issue. I am a 31F working a normal 9 to 6 job with a relatively low-average pay depending how you look at it.

My mother is the one causing issues for me (65F) as she is unemployed/retired from her previously very demanding job. Recently as a person who is widowed at her age (she has been widowed for a very long time) and currently perhaps feeling lonely, she has been the target of scammers and she has been approached and scammed of a 4-figure sum by said scammer. However, ignoring all advice from myself, her sister, the police (after she made a report) and also the bank (after changing all her banking details) , she is still in consistent contact with said scammer. I fail to understand why and am deeply disappointed, as I was under the impression that her recent motivation to get fit and healthy despite being home mostly was a great change, but that changed as soon as I came to realize that she was trying to impress the (foreigner) mystery man.

I’ve tried to suggest things like, adopt a new hobby, perhaps attend a class (I offered to fund these as long as she indicated interest, we could discuss), participate in local community activities, visit her own elderly mother and participate in elderly care, etc. but she did not budge and flatly turned me down at every turn.

The next best measure me and her sibling could come up with was that I was allowed access into her banking account so that I could monitor her transactions so that such large amounts would not go undetected. But the date the bank has set is quite far from now, and she has not been honest about her ongoings since I’ve displayed frustration and resistance whenever she engaged with her internet ‘friends’. I’ve reason to suspect they are all scammers, as on occasion I’ve glanced at her messages while passing by and they seem to profess their love despite never having met.

I’m extremely disappointed and have a lot on my plate due to a manpower crunch at work, so I can only do so much for her. It drives me down a deep dark hole mentally when I’m feeling at such a loss of what to do for her and it makes me feel like I’ve failed in my duty to her as her child. I’ve also lost appetite and am less socially engaged lately because this weighs down on my mind 24/7, as well as losing sleep.

What am I supposed to do? I really don’t know. Apologies as this is a long post as my thoughts are all over the place.

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Hi @DealingWithDelulu,

Thank you for sharing what you’re going through. It sounds like you’re dealing with a lot right now, and it’s completely understandable to feel stressed and cornered. You’re trying so hard to protect your mom and juggle your own responsibilities, and it must be incredibly overwhelming.

It’s extremely upsetting to witness someone you care about suffer harm at the hands of con artists, especially when they disobey advice from those around them. It’s natural to feel disappointed and frustrated, especially when your efforts to help seem to fall on deaf ears. Your concern for your mom’s well-being shows how much you care about her, and it’s clear you’re doing everything you can to support her.

I can imagine how disheartening it must be when your suggestions for new hobbies or activities are turned down. It’s frustrating to feel like you’re running out of options to keep her engaged and safe. It’s good that you and her sibling are taking steps to monitor her banking transactions, even though the process is taking longer than you’d like.

It sounds like this situation is taking a toll on your mental and physical health. Losing sleep, appetite, and feeling socially withdrawn are clear signs of how much this is affecting you. It’s important to acknowledge that you’re doing your best under very challenging circumstances. Recognize that doing your best may not immediately change your mother’s situation, but your efforts are significant and valuable.

Feeling helpless when your actions don’t seem to make a difference can be incredibly tough. It’s important to remember that you’re not alone in this. Your entire family is also stepping in to help mitigate the worst outcomes. Everyone is doing their part, and while it may feel like there’s little progress, these collective efforts are crucial.

In situations like these, it’s about preparing for the worst while hoping for the best. Short of taking drastic measures, which could create other problems, the best approach is to continue being supportive and vigilant. Being prepared for the worst means having plans in place to protect your mother as much as possible, even if she continues to resist your efforts.

In case that you may feel unsure if your preparations are adequate, here are a few things that might help:

  • Reach Out for Support: Consider talking to a counselor or joining a support group for caregivers or people dealing with similar issues. Sometimes sharing your experiences with others who understand can provide emotional relief.
  • Self-Care: Try to carve out some time for yourself, even if it’s just a few minutes a day. Activities like taking a walk, practicing mindfulness, or engaging in a hobby you enjoy can help reduce stress.
  • Clear Communication: Keep the lines of communication open with your mom, even if it’s tough. Let her know you’re there for her and express your concerns without judgment. Sometimes gentle persistence can make a difference.
  • Professional Advice: You might consider seeking advice from a professional who specializes in elder care or dealing with scams targeting the elderly. They might have additional strategies or resources to help protect your mom.
  • Community Resources: Look into local community resources that might offer activities or social groups for your mom. Sometimes having a variety of options can make it easier to find something she’s interested in.
  • Contact the Bank: Reach out to the bank’s fraud department to report the scam and seek assistance. They can help monitor the account, potentially reverse fraudulent transactions, and enhance account security. While waiting for formal access, request immediate alerts from the bank for any large or unusual transactions to provide more immediate oversight.
  • Legal Protections: Consider obtaining a financial power of attorney or consulting a probono lawyer specializing in elder law to explore options for legal protections.
  • Professional Intervention: Encourage your mom to see a therapist or counselor who specializes in elder issues and internet safety. Contact organizations that specialize in elder abuse and fraud prevention for additional resources and support.
  • Community and Social Support: Engage local senior centers or community organizations that offer activities and social engagement for seniors. These can provide structured and safe environments for your mom.
  • Scam Awareness Programs: Enroll your mom in programs that educate seniors about common scams and how to protect themselves. Sometimes hearing it from an authority can be more impactful.
  • Regular Family Meetings: Hold regular family meetings to discuss ongoing concerns and ensure everyone is informed and involved in supporting your mom.

Remember, you’re doing everything you can, and it’s okay to seek help and support for yourself as well. Taking care of your own well-being is crucial in being able to continue supporting her. You’re not failing your mom. You’re doing your best in a very difficult situation, and that’s all anyone can ask of you.

You’re not alone in this, we’re here to support you, and there are people out there who care and want to help you through this challenging time.

Take care.

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Maybe you could also share videos & news articles of love scams to her, to let her be aware of these happenings too that are very real… :pray: i think the first step is awareness so at least she knows that these incidents are pretty common nowadays! …take care

Then next is to check for signs… Tell-Tale Signs You're Falling for a Romance Scam - Lafayette Federal Credit Union could share to her & if you know her friends, they could maybe help to talk to her abt this too…

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