Okay, so Hi, i’m 15 years old and I feel disgusted by some things that i want to try. It’s a really complicated feeling. For example, i’d like to learn some tiktok dances so I can record a tiktok or two with my girlfriend, but i can’t. I want it and when she’s doing it, it looks nice and like a fun thing to do ( same with other people ) but whenever, in my imagination, i put myself into their place, dancing, suddenly it feels disgusting and i repel it. It creates a dissonance in me, i so badly want it so my gf can be happy but on the other end i feel so disgusted.
Yea… This feeling occurs with many things, but mostly with modern and feminine things, like make up ( i dont necessarily need to want to do the thing im disgusted by ), tiktok dances, singing. And i know some of them are not feminine but in my eyes they are.
i also can’t accept happinness, whenever i get a present from my girlfriend i love it but some voice in me wants to throw it away, or sometimes i have this thought that it would be more peaceful if i would break up with her even tho i know it wouldnt, i would just drown in sadness ( i mean in some way that is a little bit more peaceful, i live a stressful live and not an easy one so i find comfort in sadness and depression ). Idk, maybe it has something to do with that.
If anyone here knows how to help me overcome that or if someone can tell me what’s wrong me, i’d be glad to hear it
Is it because you feel like you don’t deserve her / happiness in your life that’s why you want to throw away her presents so you won’t get disappointed in future? And then you imagine yourself living in sadness but you feel peaceful because that’s something you’d have “control” over?
Definitely a very complex feeling to deal with. I can imagine how you want to make your girlfriend happy but yet at the same time feel disgusted over the things she wanna do. Actually, is she okay with you not doing what she likes? I guess everyone is different and you probably have other ways to show your love for her instead of forcing yourself to dance.
Thanks for coming on and sharing about your struggles. I hear how the dissonance in your mind is making you upset but at the same time it kinda makes sense to you - I want you to know that what you’re feeling and thinking is valid, given your situation.
I’m curious to know if you noticed when this kinda started for you? It is something more recent, or has been going on awhile for you? This experience of yours or cognitive dissonance (where two or more thoughts/beliefs/urges contradict each other) perhaps is a response to not wanting the ‘inconsistencies’ (e.g., want happiness but don’t think deserve it, etc.) but you’re stuck in figuring out how to reconcile those contradictions in your mind…
I wonder if those feelings you get like depressed mood and disgust is trying to send you another message, kinda like:
Sadness signals loss of something valuable or disappointment towards yourself/others
Disgust signals something to avoid or to check your boundaries
So maybe the dissonance can be seen as an opportunity to reflect on your thoughts (like has there been a ‘loss’ or need to ‘avoid’?) to be more in line with reality - what you actually need/want in a relationship or to be more consistent with what you value (perhaps connection, contentment, etc.). This means changing to better match the person you want to be. Of course, this doesn’t happen overnight and it will probably still be distressing as you go through it but perhaps you can try some of these activities to see if it helps with the discomfort:
• Being mindful
• Being kind to yourself
• Shifting (to a more helpful) perspective
Also, I wonder if you have the chance to speak about this with someone else? If not with your girlfriend, perhaps your school counsellor? Or someone else you feel comfortable with and can trust. In the meantime, hope this clears up some of your questions and looking forward to hearing from you again! Take care
@BKT It has been going on awhile now, of course it got worse over time but the first time i felt it was idk 3 or 4 years ago. Also, to answer your second question, no, i don;t have anyone to talk this with. Thank you for sharing your thoughts, i appreciate that.
Yes, i think it’s mostly because of that, but it shows in a strange way, through disgust and not through sadness, or guilt. I just feel disgusted by her present even tho if i think about it, it’s one of the best presents i’ve ever received.
Kind of. I mean i do find comfort and peace in sadness but i don’t really think i have control over it. I don’t feel like anything is under control when i’m sad but i’m more willing to accept it, the order of things, my fate or whatever we’re talking about.
Is she okay with me not doing what she likes? I mean i guess she would be, she’s an amazing girl after all, but it still would make her sad, obviously. And i really don’t want to give her that sadness. So i refuse to stop doing what she likes and i try to somehow get through it and have a nice time with her. There’s been a few times where i broke and cried or smth so she knows my problem but I lie to her that I’m fine now, that everything’s okay, only to reveal after some time that I’m not
Yes, i can show her love in other ways but i don’t really care what i want and what’s comfortable for me. I want HER ( not me ) to be happy so i show her love in my way, in the way she prefers and others, in short in every way possible for me i think. I try to give her everything etc. because she’s my light in a dark tunnel.
That’s really sweet, @anonymous138. I get where you’re coming from because I’ve walked the same path (to some extent too).
I think you need to ask yourself which is more important - being able to feel like you can do what your girlfriend likes or just being comfortable in your own feelings (in this case, sadness).
Actually it all boils down to you - which makes you feel better then just do it. If you go deeper, actually it’s not about your girlfriend anymore. It’s about you and your own desires. It sounds harsh but actually it’s just the way of life and maybe not that much talked about in the society. And it’s not a negative thing to prioritise your own needs.
Also I guess think about sustainability. Will you feel burn out after a while if you keep doing things you don’t like? Or do you have the resolve to do that for the rest of your life (assuming you intend to have a long term relationship with your girlfriend)
Thank you very much @Jaws . You helped me a lot. I have to think about what you’ve just said for awhile so i think we won’t talk some time, but if i get to any conclusions, i’m going to update you, here, on this page, if you don’t mind. I know you may forget me but i’d like you to know if i will be better or not. Also, to answer your last question, i would feel burn out but i would still try to do it as long as i can. Once again, thank you very much and i wish a fantastic life man. Bye bye.