Emotional Connection vs Social Connection

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My first post here should be something about me using intellectualising as a coping mechanism. So this could be more of it. ( Edit: this is definitely more of it )

Lately, I had a discussion with my therapist and I mentioned that I find it difficult to form emotional connections with others. There was a bit of confusion at first, and it took a while as we struggled through what is social and what is emotional.

I have changed a lot if we compared to how I was before. I am more open to meeting people irl, taking the initiative to talk to others in hobby groups and also texting and messaging people I am comfortable with.

However, at the back of my head, I am constantly operating from the lens of “do not get too attached. Do not make it so that my world will crumble if they ever disappear from my life”

So I was able to form social connections and through my social self, I was able to talk about some of the struggles that I go through. Even now, I will say this is mostly authored by my social self.

I try to be clear in what I am saying. I try to communicate my own dilemma while not becoming a blubbering mess. I have “trained” myself to not have a single support by being forcing myself to be open. I tell people honestly that I am having burnout, problems with self-acceptance, and loneliness from lack of a romantic relationship.

Usually, the topic goes to “when does it begin”, “how is this affecting you”. To all of which, I can answer. Because of my openness, it really doesn’t matter if the person answering me were to suddenly disappear from my life the next day. In my mind, I have others. It’s fine, all according to plan.

Something is obviously wrong with my approach though. I feel isolated despite learning how to talk to people. It’s only recently then I learnt that I am “emotionally withdrawn” though it’s weird because what I know of emotionally withdrawn people are people that are reclusive, refuse to talk or be honest about their emotions.

What am I going through? Highly functioning … something?

I am trying to be more in touch with my emotions now and yesterday, I spent most of the day in bed. I wake up, feels like crying about my current self, redirect my focus on the comfort of my bed, the blanket and the pillows, and I fell back asleep. It sucks. Is this how it is to be more emotional?

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Dear @forzento

Thank you for sharing something so honest and vulnerable. The way you’re reflecting on yourself — with awareness, curiosity, and gentleness — really shows how much inner work you’ve already done. It doesn’t sound like something is “wrong” with you. It sounds like you’ve developed ways to stay emotionally safe in a world that hasn’t always felt safe for you.

That instinct to not get too attached… it makes a lot of sense. Maybe somewhere along the way, you learned that closeness can disappear, or that being too open might lead to pain. So now, even when you’re connecting with others, there’s a quiet part of you saying: “Be careful. Don’t depend too much.” That voice isn’t bad — it’s protective. It probably kept you going for a long time.

But now, as you’ve said, something feels off. You’ve gotten good at being socially open — talking about struggles, being honest — and yet, that deeper emotional connection still feels out of reach. That’s not because you’re doing it wrong. It’s because there may be something deeper that still needs space to heal. Emotional presence isn’t just about words — it’s about being able to let your guard down inside, even just a little.

The way you describe lying in bed, on the edge of tears, then seeking comfort in your blanket — that’s not weakness. That’s emotion trying to show itself gently. It might feel unfamiliar or uncomfortable, but it’s a sign of growth. You’re not numb — you’re thawing. And yes, sometimes being more emotional feels like that: heavy, tired, and raw.

This might be a really important space to keep working on with your therapist. Exploring not just what you feel now, but why you feel the need to stay emotionally guarded. There could be beliefs shaped by past experiences — maybe even past pain or trauma — that are still quietly running in the background. Things like:

  • “If I open up too much, I’ll be hurt.”
  • “I need to stay strong, or I’ll be a burden.”
  • “I don’t deserve to rely on others.”

These beliefs aren’t your fault — they’re things you picked up while trying to survive. And the beautifuthing is, with the right support, they can be gently challenged and reshaped.

You don’t have to fix everything right now. You’re not broken — you’re someone who learned to survive in a smart and strong way. Now you’re learning to let yourself live and feel more fully. That’s a hard thing, and you’re already doing it.

Keep going with your therapist. Keep being gentle with yourself. These moments of confusion and sadness are not setbacks — they’re openings. You’re already on the path forward, even if it still feels foggy. Keep going one tiny step at a time. :yellow_heart:

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Intellectualizing emotions is a great way to cope because it helps you understand yourself and work through your tendencies. From your post, I can see that you’re making an effort, and you deserve more credit for that! You’re taking things one step at a time, and while growth will come, you don’t have to keep looking ahead—just appreciating the small steps you’re taking is enough.

I get what you mean about emotional withdrawal—it’s a form of self-protection, but it gets exhausting. Maybe, when you feel ready, you could try opening up in small ways—even to just one good friend or a family member you trust.

It’s good that you’re self-aware and honest because that helps you see different perspectives that might be useful for you too.

I think emotional withdrawal isn’t always about how someone appears on the outside. You can be really social but still emotionally withdrawn if you don’t let people in or if you’re constantly aware of the distance. Maybe it’s not that you’re out of touch with emotions, but rather that you’re not fully allowing yourself to experience or share them. Emotional withdrawal happens when someone pulls back from their emotions or connections, often as a way to protect themselves—it can feel like being emotionally numb, detached, or distant, even while being social and engaged.

Hope you’re doing okay—try not to spend too much time in bed. This isn’t something that gets fixed in a day, but even the smallest steps matter. Be gentle with yourself :> Like I said, choosing one or two people you truly trust for deeper talks can help. Let them see the real you—the version of you beyond what you share on the surface :blue_heart:

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yeah… these are definitely statements that I need to challenge to move forward. This is frustrating to some extent. They aren’t the usual “absolute” statements that I am used to. Things like “I must be perfect” or “I must not be angry”, those are easy.

Ugh.

Thanks. I will work on this.

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I’ll try. I just told a friend earlier and when she asked “will you be hurt if I’m gone”, I said no.

in my defense, she wanted an honest answer.

She then said that she don’t believe me. Perhaps I am just numb to how I really feel. Judging by how I want to cry whenever I let things down, I think she probably has a point.

Just not sure what to do though. Ugly cry it out? I can’t do that. It’s not “I shouldn’t”, it’s more of I really just can’t. I think I’ve got a tear or two down during really strong emotional moments in the cinema but that’s about it.

I will really need something really emotionally strong and present to overwhelm my mind to start crying. Movies, music videos sort of work because they overwhelm my hearing and my vision but they only last that long.

jk sorta, I wish I can drink a little just to slow down my mind. ( I can’t. I’m allergic. :frowning: )

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Thank you for sharing all of that—it really takes a lot to open up like this. I can hear how conflicted and overwhelmed you feel, and I want you to know that it’s okay not to have everything figured out. Just being able to express this, even in fragments, is already such a meaningful step.

I completely get what you mean about needing something overwhelmingly emotional—movies, music, moments that hit your senses just right—to help access what’s buried underneath. It’s powerful how those little windows can offer release, even if it’s brief. For me, I sometimes lean into sad dramas or music when I want to feel more connected to my emotions too. “It’s Okay to Not Be Okay” is one of my all-time favorites for that—it’s beautifully done and really captures emotional complexity in such a tender, validating way. Maybe you’d like it. And I’d love to know—are there any movies, shows, or songs that you go to when you want to feel?

Also, I want to say—just because crying doesn’t come easily doesn’t mean something’s wrong with you. You’re not cold or numb in a bad way. Sometimes the mind builds walls to protect us, and those walls don’t just fall away on cue. Even realizing that you might be feeling distant from your emotions shows how deeply in tune you actually are.

What you said to your friend—that was honest. And honesty, even when it sounds detached, is still a way of showing up and being real. That takes courage, too.

I know the craving to quiet the mind, to have even a moment of stillness—you’re not alone in that. And while I wish you didn’t have that allergy, I get the feeling behind what you said. Sometimes we just want an off-switch for all the noise. Maybe when it gets heavy, along with the sad stuff, you could try mixing in things that are a little more uplifting, even if they don’t hit as deeply. Soft music, comforting shows, anything that adds a bit of warmth. It may not crack the shell completely, but sometimes a gentle shift in tone can ease the weight just a little.

Most of all, please be kind with yourself. You don’t need to force feeling or wait for the “right” way to break open. Little moments of release are enough. Little connections are enough. And you’re doing more than you probably give yourself credit for just by reflecting and slowly starting to let people (like me!) know. Rooting for you!

Also, sorry for the late reply! Hope you’ve been doing okay. And I just wanted to check in—how have things been for you lately?