Emotionally affected 9yo son

[ethel]

My 9yo son dropped a few bombs on me recently. Exam bombs.

We moved to our new plc a year ago. My son didnt want to chg to a school nearer to my new plc. So he stay put but had to live w grandparents 5 days a week due to distance. He only return home during wkends.

Recently 2 mths were the exams heat, i had to tutor him. He was doing ok while doing practice pps at home.

When the result returned, he flung badly.

I was shocked.

I think i made a very serious mistake by not bringing home. He was crying over the last wkend how stressed he felt. Every wkend it was his happiest time yet the saddest ever.

I felt v v sad. Its all my fault. I thought living w my parents so that he has enough sleep and rest. Then he told me he rather wake up earlier to travel to and from.

My parents who were the ones who spent most of the time with him since he was born, wont have much effect.

I felt like i am the worst mother ever…

I dont deserve him.

[CozyCompanion]

Hello @ethel thank you for sharing this. It really takes courage to open up about something so close to your heart. I can feel how much you love your son and how deeply you care about his wellbeing. It’s completely understandable to feel sad and even guilty after hearing how stressed he was, but please remember that none of this makes you a bad mother.

You made a thoughtful decision based on what you truly believed was best for him. Ensuring he had enough rest and stability, while also respecting his wish to stay in his school. That shows empathy and trust in his feelings. The fact that you spent your weekends tutoring him and saw how well he did on his practice papers already shows your dedication and effort as a parent.

Exam results can be influenced by so many factors. Anxiety, pressure, even small distractions. They don’t define your son’s abilities, nor your care as a parent. What matters most is that he feels loved and supported, and from what you’ve shared, he absolutely does.

Please be kind to yourself. You’re clearly trying your best, and your willingness to reflect and learn from this just shows how strong and caring you are as a mum.

[user1446]

My mother was a freelance tutor and my father was a factory worker, back in my younger days. after i was born I live with my nanny for 5 days a week and my parents will only bring me home during the weekends. And that lasted for until i was in primary school. And my nanny was someone who she tutored their kids. And my brother lived with another nanny. But when my brother who was pri 1, he study near the school when my nanny lived, so he will go to my nanny’s place wafter school and my parent will fatch him home in the evenings.

And i would say its not was to be away from my parents. i remembered everyday i will cry wanting to go home with my parents whenever they come and fetch my brother home in the evenings. So i like them? Nope, i prefer my nanny over my parents. But there is the strange attachment that linked me to them that i wanted to go with them.

And after going from when i was in pri 1, i actually ended up spending every sunday al,ost every sunday with my nanny going out together with them, especially after my parents divorced. As that is the place where i feel that i still have a family.

Still….as me and my brother grows older and having all kinds of things happening. we both somehow ended up in IMH. And the doctors there told my mother that we are pretty distance from her due to the fact that we both spend most of our first 7 yrs of our lives away from her.

But all i can just say, there is a natural link between parents and children. What may look ok outside, might not be actually ok inside. So regardless how ok it seems for your son to live with your grandparents, ultimately, it just feels different without his actual parents around him.

Still…the reason why he dont wish to switch school can just due to the fact that he already have friend in school and he is scared of the uncertainty of what a new school environment will have for him, whether or not he will have friends or if he will be picked on and bullied by others for being a “latecomer”.

So…i guess you need to look into the possibility of him living with you, since primary schools have school bus, it shouldnt be much of a barrier. And honestly, learning to travel long distance to school since young can be a good thing actually. As it will help him to learn how to cope of travel distance later in life. Or you can consider moving back to your parents place until he finished primary school. and perhaps rent out your flat for the next 3 yrs.

[ethel]

Ya it made me feel like a lousy mother. I felt i really fail him and might affect him mentally or aldy planted something bad in his mind.

[duckling]

youre already trying your best!!! It’s a journey~ as a child myself to my parents, I appreciate when they acknowledge the mistakes they made and they try their best to make it better for me, like it’s never too late. I also know they are learning to be parents too as much as I am growing, so as long as we communicate and be there for each other, it’s what matters

[user6869]

Hello

I just wanna share some things from a young persons perspective who can empathise with the heavy exam and academic load nowadays, and someone who feels deeply towards my mum too

Just wanna say, your son is lucky to have you. Truly, the extent of your care and love towards him speaks volumes..Children are intuitive and understand more than they let on, he may not be able to understand the depth of your concern for him, but he can definitely feel the extent of your love. Its in the way you feel his stress and pain as your failure even when it isnt, because love is irrational Its amazing how much you want to do right by him!

From a child’s perspective, perhaps your son may have difficulties adjusting to sudden new envorinments without much preperation…it must be really daunting for him I think that you are a huge source of grounding and support for him, especially when he is that young i cannot say for certain, but a huge part of why he may be in so much distress may be because of the long periods of seperation from you

I think it is important to acknowledge and affirm yourself that however you acted, you always strived to act in your sons best interest. In your situation, the most pragmatic solution was indeed to leave him with his grandparenta because you were honouring his wishes to not change primary school

While I can understand the sadness you must feel when you realise how much your son has went through without you knowing, I think it is important for me to say this too : You are the person your son needs the most right now. However imperfect or undeserving you feel, this version of yourself is the mum he knows, loves and deeply needs

About the academics, I understand the transition between P2 to P3 can be quite a lot because of the sudden introduction of exams, Im aware that P1 and P2 kids dont have exams now :") And just know that it is entirely normal for your son and you to need the time to slowly adapt to the school system, as much as it is your sons first time facing this, it is also yours

I think that it would be of great help to be in close contact with your sons teachers in the meantime, to know if there is anything you can do to help bridge your sons learning gaps and how to support him better. Your sons teachers know the most in how to help him and exactly what he needs

A child doesnt need to do anything to deserve the extent of your love for them, love is something unconditional and imperfect. You might feel an obligation and responsibility as you are his parent, but love is a two way channel, the love he has for you has no conditions for you to never make misjudgements. He just loves you, and that is enough

Wishing you and your son all the happiness and love! You got this!!

[thursday]

hello, thank you for sharing. As a student myself, there will be some papers where we do not get the results that we want, and it is not by any means that you are a bad mum, but perhaps that there may be learning gaps, which can be easily rectified by seeking consults from teachers. from your posts, I can really see that you are really caring and have always thought about your son’s best interests. perhaps giving your son the encouragement to cointuue working hard for the subject will help

[user1446]

well…its only 1 yr. So i guess the best is for you to sit down and talk to him on what he really wants and needs. Its very important to plan for what is going to happen for the next 3 yrs especially when he is 12 yrs old and need to take his PSLE. Which is the most important exam in a person’s life.

[FuYuan_Affections]

Hi @ethel ,

Hope that you are able to find some consoling for yourself… when you said “I felt like I am the worst mother ever”, it sounded like you’ve been holding a lot of guilt quietly, not just over his results but over the distance that’s grown since he started living with your parents.

At nine, children still make sense of the world through the closeness and predictability of their parents. When that closeness feels far away, even if grandparents give all the care, a child can start to feel unsure or alone in big moments like exams. The stress he felt might not be about the papers themselves, but about missing the emotional comfort that helps him feel safe to try. When he did well on those practice papers with you beside him, it wasn’t just confidence in the subject, it was confidence in you being there.

What stands out to me is how deeply you’ve reflected on this. That awareness doesn’t come from failure, it comes from love. Many parents in similar situations would have made the same choice, making sure he had rest, structure, and stability because it seemed the most caring thing at that time.

Maybe this is now an opening, not a mistake. A chance to learn together how he feels fear, pressure, and sadness and how you can help him name and manage them. Small things like asking what helps him feel close even when you’re apart, or setting up a short nightly call before bed, can begin to rebuild that sense of “mum is still here.”

If the guilt still feels heavy, remind yourself: children are resilient when their parents stay emotionally present. And you’re already doing that by reflecting, by wanting to understand, by being here.

You don’t need to earn back being his mum, you already are. Just start from that truth.

[CaringBee]

Dear @ethel

Thank you, dear, for writing in with so much honesty and openness. I can sense your hurt and pain. Your feelings of sadness and self-doubt are valid and relatable among many of us who are parents. We are juggling many considerations and doing our best given our unique challenges and circumstances.

I observe that you made the difficult decision for your son to stay at your parents house during the weekdays based on the information you had at that time.

Firstly, your son did not want to change school although your new home is further. however, if he stayed with you in the new home, he would have spent more time travelling and would lose out on sleep.

Hence, out of love and care and with the best intentions, you allowed him to remain at his current school and arranged him to stay at your grandparents home which was nearer to that school. This facilitated your son to sleep longer and be better rested. It was also to provide him a stable school environment.

Understandably the latest exam results have not been good and you can’t help but think it was your fault. Please do not be too hard on yourself. My experience is that tough exam periods and results do not define your son’s abilities. He, too, is still adjusting to many aspects of school, such as friends, and trying to find what study method works best, exam prep, his interests areas, etc.

With the latest feedback from your son on his preferences (after trying out staying at your parents and him expressing he wants to stay with you), may I suggest to start a gentle reset. Acknowledge that the past months felt heavy for him. Emphasise that his wellbeing matters more than exams. Shift the routine so he feels safe and connected. If he prefers commuting from home, trial it for a few weeks with earlier bedtimes and a simple travel routine. Add a predictable daily touchpoint, such as a short call or a note. Inform the school about the change so teachers can watch for fatigue and reduce pressure. Keep study sessions short and focused on one skill at a time, review key mistakes, and praise effort and courage.

Thank the grandparents for their care and give them a clear, encouraging role in the new plan.

Please do remember to kind to yourself. You did not fail him. You care, you try, and you are adapting to find the optimal arrangement. I think your flexibility to change and improve is wonderful and exactly what good mothers do.

To your credit, your openness and flexibility to listen and adjust suggests strong, caring parenting.

Please know you are not alone so reach out here too whenever needed for support and encouragement in this parenting journey. Sending you warmth and care!

[ethel]

Yes you are right. The practice paper was really the confidence in me.

[ethel]

Tk u so much for the comforting words. It really hit the deepest part of my heart and soul.