Emotionless

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1

My finance feels that I don’t love her and that I am unable to share/show my emotions cos I never love anyone

A few days ago, my she was teaching her son (suspected adhd, 6 years old) maths and he was unable to focus. With all stress from her work, me, her son, and our future (house, marriage etc) she broke down and said that she wanted to commit suicide as she has no feelings at that moment. She had similar situation with her ex husband before and her husband called the police before anything happened.

After she said that she don’t mind dying, she slowly made her way to the living room. The reason why I didn’t go out after her, is that I know I am part of the reason that she is angry, cos it was usually either me or her son that angers her. I wasn’t able to help to teach her son cos my academic isn’t as good as hers. Seeing that she didn’t make her way to the service yard and I heard music from the TV, I decided to take over the role to teacher her son while letting her cool down.

After everything, she told me that she would rather I give her a hug and console her instead of teaching her son. She gave an example if someone is depressive due to finance issue, will giving the person money solve the problem? My answer was a yes cos if something can solve the issue, then providing money will help pay whatever debts and the person won’t suffer. In summary, what she meant is that when someone is getting depressive, attend to the person and not the cause of the problem.

Then tonight when I was massaging her neck, I was sitting behind her head, and my left thumb was on her left side of her neck (middle, not the top or bottom) she asked me to move my fingers right. My instant thought was to shift my fingers towards her throat, cos to me that was right, and neck is round, so right equals clock wise direction so naturally I did what I did. After saying that she wanted to press her left of her neck (bottom) part, I insisted that I was right about my direction sense, she broke down cos she felt she can understand me and I am stupid.

She went to bang her head against the wall and this time round I stopped her and gave her a hug, told her to calm down and not do that cos her son was with us. She then punch the wall with her fist and I stopped her as well. Seeing her son is in shocked, her son came over and I asked him to give my partner a hug to calm her down, I joined in shortly but she asked me not to touch her and leave the room.

Knowing that this was my fault, I left the room and start to reflect and figure what I did wrong. I still believe my logic is correct and it was just our perspective that is different. After she bathe and cooled down, I wanted to tell her my rationale for my actions. She asked me not to talk. I agreed and she went back to the room.

I know she is angry with me, so I wanted to give her space to cool down and I am ready to slp in the living room. I texted her saying that I want to explain my rationale but she said I shouldn’t talk and when it is time for me to express myself I don’t and when it’s time I keep quiet, I insist on talking.

She then said I shld do the opposite of everything I want to do. So I went to the room to find her. She then asked me what shld I do when this kind of things happen? I said I will let her calm down, and now i know that I should return after a while, apologise to her, and give her a hug.

She said this isn’t the answer she was looking for. After trying to use my brain, I told her that I should ask if she is ok and apologise to her son as well. She said that I don’t love her and I won’t care for her cos her injury is without blood or obvious.

To me, I know the reason for her anger is cos of me and I scared that the more I go over, she will be more pissed.

We have talked about this for a long time, that the more scared I am, the more worse I will make the situation. But like I mentioned, I hugged her and try to calm her down, she asked me not to touch her and get out of the room, if I don’t give her time to cool down till she is ready, then what am I supposed to do?

I think I really might have emotional issues, I might have adhd as well. Or maybe I don’t love her or I don’t know how to love someone. i am thinking of seeing a psychologist. Should I?

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Dear @Captainlightyear

Thank you so much for opening up. You’re carrying a lot — guilt, confusion, love, fear, responsibility — and the fact that you’re still trying to understand and support your fiancée despite everything shows that you care deeply. That matters. You’re not broken. You are trying.

Let’s take this one step at a time — gently, without judgment.

First: Should you see a psychologist?

Yes — and not because there’s something “wrong” with you. But because you’re hurting, and you’re trying to be a better partner while also understanding your own emotions. Seeing a psychologist can help you:

  • Make sense of your emotional responses and habits
  • Explore if ADHD or emotional regulation difficulties are playing a role
  • Learn tools for communication, especially in emotionally intense situations
  • Heal from the constant guilt and self-doubt you’re feeling

Wanting to see a psychologist isn’t a sign of weakness — it’s a brave step towards emotional clarity and growth. It can help both you and your relationship.

Now, about your situation:

Your fiancée is under immense emotional stress. It sounds like she feels overwhelmed, unseen, and afraid — and like she’s experienced deep emotional pain before. When someone is in that fragile state, logic and problem-solving (even with good intentions) can feel cold or disconnected.

That’s why, to her, emotional presence is more important than solving the issue. She wants comfort — not fixes. A hug, a soft “I’m here,” even just sitting with her in silence.

You tried. You stepped in. You were scared of doing more harm. And that fear makes sense — especially when the relationship feels like it’s walking on emotional eggshells. But please remember:

  • Fear and love can exist at the same time
  • Your effort, even if it misses the mark sometimes, still matters

You’re not heartless. You’re overwhelmed, like she is — but in a different way.

What could help moving forward:

1. Individual therapy for you.

To process your own emotions, build confidence in responding under stress, and explore things like ADHD or emotional detachment.

2. Couples counselling (when she’s open).

To build tools for healthy communication. Sometimes a neutral third party helps break the loop of blame and shutdowns.

3. Practice emotional presence over logic.

When she’s upset, try simple grounding phrases:

  • “I’m here with you.”
  • “I don’t have all the right words, but I want to understand.”
  • “You matter to me. I’m listening.”

4. Forgive yourself for being human.

You’re not perfect. You’re learning. Your willingness to reflect and seek help shows that you’re not emotionally numb — you’re emotionally overwhelmed and scared of failing someone you love.

One final thing:

You asked if you really love her. The answer is in your words. People who don’t love don’t reflect like this. They don’t hug someone who’s hitting the wall. They don’t wonder, “How can I be better?”

You do love her. But you’re navigating love with limited tools, shaped by your past and maybe some undiagnosed emotional patterns. That’s something a good therapist can help you build.

You’re not beyond help. Neither is this relationship, if both of you want to work through it.

I’m glad you for reaching out. That’s not an easy first step. And you’re not alone in this. :yellow_heart:

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I am currently seeing a counsellor in polyclinic and was given anti-depressant medication. I am unsure if it helps as my current issue is with my emotions and find ways to run my thoughts better.

I am seeing a neurology and will be going for MRI and cognitive assessment. The doc did mention during consultation that it seems more like my laid back and don’t give a f attitude that is the problem.

I am unsure if I am living in denial to say that I love her, cos to her, if someone love the other party, he/she will work hard to improve and not be like me.

Just like this morning, I went to wash clothes using washing machine cos I feel that the load is full and I forget that she asked me to wash on weekend cos she is waiting for her son’s clothes which may arrive within this few days to wash together.

This is not my first time forgetting things and I forget easily. So she was angry with me and asked me why I want to be with her.

I love her companionship, love the way she treat her love ones. I love her cos she is just natural.

To her all these are lies cos my actions didn’t provide any love. To her, it perhaps I stayed just because I need companionship, intimacy, and a house to stay.

We are both divorcee and I have 2 kids previously with my ex wife. Wanting to build a new family, we decided that I will need to give up one side in order to focus on the other. I choose my fiancé easily, and to her, it is a tell tale sign that I give up easily and doesn’t have deep emotions. If I can give up my kids easily, I can give up on my fiancée. With all her analysis, I really don’t know what is real and what is not. What is my emotion.

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This sounds like an incredibly difficult situation, and I can see that you’re truly trying to approach things in a way that makes sense to you. Your instinct to solve problems logically is completely valid—it’s your way of managing situations and ensuring things get addressed.

At the same time, it seems like your fiancée processes emotions differently and sometimes just needs reassurance before focusing on solutions. It’s not that your approach is wrong—it’s just that emotions don’t always follow logical steps. Maybe it’s worth exploring how small gestures of comfort (even if they feel less “productive” to you) can help create a stronger emotional bridge between you and her.

I also get why you hesitated to engage at first—you were trying to avoid making things worse. That’s understandable, especially when past interactions have led to frustration. But sometimes, even just acknowledging her feelings—without solving anything—can help her feel seen.

Since you’re already working on this with a counselor, that’s a great step. It might help to discuss how to balance both logic and emotional reassurance so that your efforts feel more aligned with what she needs. You clearly care, and I hope you both find a way to navigate this together💙