I just completed my A levels last year and I feel like I have several issues pressing on me. I constantly feel hopeless and dejected. For the past few months, I have not been able to sleep without crying. The worst part is that I have no idea what is making me cry. Most nights I need to indulge my mind in some fantasy to stop thinking about things and finally get the rest I need. I attributed a lot of this to burnout during JC but since the issue persists and has been worsening I think there may be something else at play.
I sense that recently, I have become either extremely emotional or feel nothing at all. 2 extremes with nothing much in between. I can sense this in the moment but there isn’t much I have been able to do about it. For example, just today I had a mental breakdown in public over something that would be considered an annoyance at most. What I recognise is that I have been tending towards strong emotions despite having been a rather calm, stable and rational person for most of my life.
I want to actively work on my mental issues but at the same time I have no interest in resolving them. I have no interest in much of anything anymore and that scares me. I don’t exactly know how to seek help or tell anyone close to me about what I am going through partly because I don’t fully understand it and also because I don’t think this is such a big issue next to the real and scary problems that others have to face.
About these fantasies, I place myself in absurdly painful situations. I don’t know whether it’s because I want to play a strong, impressive hero or to feed into a victim complex I’ve trapped myself in. Strangely enough, they serve as a sort of relief for me. Maybe I use them as a channel to validate what I’m feeling? because I do think that the extent of some of my feelings are unjustified for the present situation. It’s not like I’m suffering out here.
There is too much going on in my mind and I don’t really know where to start or what to do about it (or if I have the energy to do anything about it). Could not even bring myself to start journaling, even though I believe it’s a good first step to take, because I’m simply overwhelmed. Would be much easier if all this just ended.
I would like to add that I have been rather lonely for a long time in my life. I’ve never engaged in popular media or whatever others do simply to gain friends and that may be a large reason why I’ve been so alone. I’ve largely been ignored by my parents (or they are not as approachable as I need them to be), I was very shy for a majority of my childhood and throughout primary school and most of secondary school, I have not met a single person I would regard as my friend. I know I am lacking in social skills and life experience. Luckily in the past 2 years I have met some introverted people like me who I spend time with, though I am still a little insecure in my friendships. I will admit, I have also never learnt how to maintain relationships with people and find other people texting me or asking me questions first. I would like that to change but how?
I have too many questions and I’m not even quite sure why I am posting this incoherent babble onto a public forum. I am desperate for some form of guidance or help. I really hate to self-diagnose but I genuinely feel like the state of my mind is becoming an issue of genuine concern. If there is an option to chat privately with a therapist or really anyone out there who can help me, I would really appreciate it.