Feel like i have an issue with every aspect of my lifeu

Hangouts Rants
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im having one of those nights where im thinking of everything thats going wrong in my life so my thoughts may seem very jumbled up and disorganised in this post.

i want to go therapy but right now, im too scared to take the first step and im ashamed of my issues. the price also making me more reluctant to seek help so idk. but im struggling with literally everything in my life and i need a place to vent so here i am

started my first job a few months ago and im terrified. i feel like im going to mess up somehow and my manager is going to realise theres something wrong with me. i have an irrational fear of authority figures and i feel like my dynamic with my manager isnt healthy at all. constantly seeking his approval and even if hes nice, i keep overanalyzing every interaction i have with him and trying to find proof that hes angry or disappointed in me somehow.

i also grieved really hard last year. Ive known people who passed before so i thought i was just good at handling grief, but my loss last year made me feel so bad and unlocked a fear of someone else close to me dying. when i see someone close to me sick or elderly, i just keep thinking of them dying and im scared. itll hurt as bad as it did last year. i dont know if i can take it to be honest.

im also really lonely. i struggle with opening up to anyone irl. its almost impossible for me to form deeper relationships with my friends or any romantic partner. i want to go out looking for a partner but i know it wont be healthy because i know i dont have a good attachment style so finding one right now will just be selfish. but yeah, i dont really know how to not feel lonely otherwise. i dont trust any of my friends enough for me to be authentic with them either even thought theyve been nothing but reliable and they all seem like good people. also like, i know most people are struggling with their own lives. i just dont know how theyre strong enough to keep going. and i feel like if i share how i feel with others, itll just be like ‘everyone feels similar things or goes through the same or worse.’ hm idk kind of just think im mentally weak. like objectively i am. and i feel like if people knew me like truly, theyd be repulsed?

im also always tired. idk if its a physical or mental problem but im literally too tired to get out of bed and work or socialise or do anything. had like basic check ups but idk if its in depth enough to really find any problems. but yeah even my lifestyle is :poop:

idk i just feel like im living in fear all the time. if im not scared about any of the above, im scared of like situations that may cause me harm or death. like the eleavtor dropping whilst im in it or getting into an accident. idk how sustainable it is living like this tbh and im so tired

havent been coping well for a long time honestly. im literally cringing writing this post right now but yeah, just wanted to rant

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hello, thank you for sharing! perhaps you can use some of mindline’s resources such as mindline’s hotline to talk to counsellors here. And starting starting your first job might be quite overwhelming, but perhaps you can take the time to rest and recharge on your off days which can take our mind off things. And opening up to your friends about your problems is okay, as I do with mine:) rooting for you op <3

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Hi @user0239, first of all I want to commend you for taking the time to recall and evaluate your year. It is good to look back and work on making small improvements so as to not perpetuate the cycle in the future. If I may gently nudge your brain, after considering these aspects of your life, is there any one that stands out/affects you the most? I think that recognising this is a good start. When it comes to the new year, generally people like to set a multitude of goals for themselves, but this can often lead to mental overload and ultimately, exhaustion. Hence, I would like to encourage you to consider focusing on just 1 of these aspects that affects you the most, and taking small but effective actions to improve this area of your life. This can be as simple as redirecting your thoughts from “my manager didn’t really speak to me today, I think he’s mad at me” to “maybe he was just having a bad day”. Recognising that your fear of failure and anxiety at work is affecting you is a good first step, and I hope that you can slowly but surely try to reconfigure your mindset into a more positive one, such that you feel confident stepping into work instead of dread.

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hey @user0239, thank you for taking the time to write all this. it takes a lot to put how you’re feeling into words, and you did it so beautifully!

it sounds like you’ve been living in survival mode for a long time. dealing with anxiety at work, fear around loss and death, grief, loneliness… it’s a LOT. it makes sense that you’d feel on edge, exhausted, and unsafe in the world. :cry:

about therapy: i just wanna say that i rlly get the fear. i had many of the same thoughts — that my problems weren’t “bad enough,” guilt about the cost, worry that i’d be embarrassed or misunderstood. but the fact that you wrote this post already shows courage and a real desire for things to change. that matters. if you can, maybe try taking just one small step? eg.sending an enquiry, browsing options, or booking a consult. you don’t need to feel ready or confident yet. you’ve been holding so much alone, and you deserve support.

about relationships: wanting connection isn’t selfish. you’re actually being very self-aware by noticing your attachment patterns and wanting to be careful. you don’t have to be “fully healed” to deserve companionship. for now, it’s okay if your focus is simply on building safety and connection in small, non-romantic ways. loneliness doesn’t mean you’re failing at life, it means you’re human.

about wondering how others keep going: tbh i rlly relate to this. i spent a long time feeling like everyone else was functioning while i was barely surviving. struggling doesn’t mean you’re weak, and your pain doesn’t become less real just because others may be dealing with similar / ”worse” things.

about the fear that ppl would be repulsed if they truly knew you: i need you to know this: just because this thought is loud does NOT mean it’s true. you’re NOT broken, you’re NOT repulsive, and you’re NOT a burden. you’re just overwhelmed and hurting, and that’s okay.

you don’t have to fix everything at once, and you don’t have to go through this alone. it’s enough that you let it out instead of holding it all inside. ik it doesn’t feel like it rn, but things WILL get better. take care, and be gentle with yourself, okie? wishing you all the best :mending_heart: :cherry_blossom: