Hi,
I just wanted to rant.
i have been out of job for 2 months now, to be honest it feels like 3 months. My emotional state have went up and down many times that it feels like time went by so fast.
Initially, i didn’t apply for a job because i wanted to seem available for the job. because if the potential interviewer/employer sees that i am employed, then what if they rescind my job offer or don’t want to hire me.
Now, when i look back, i think that was a dumb decision made by my anxiety and overconfidence that employers will hire me. The anxiety that employers want me to be immediately available made me not consider applying for 1 month jobs/part time jobs.
Now that I am unemployed for 2 months, I feel stable. Whenever I think about getting a job or working, I dread it because it means I need to leave my comfort zone(unemployment). I liked staying at home, slacking off.
But I hate my home whenever my dad or neighbor from hell is home. They make so much noise whenever they are back home, and it irritates me to no end. Some of the noises they make are screaming, shouting, talking/turn their music up so loudly even walls cant block their noise, banging on tables, using their heel to stomp on the floor to make a “boom boom boom” sound like an ogre. My dad says that my neighbor on top of us are making these banging noises, so he will bang on things or use a metal pole(i think it has rubber on the end) and bang on the wall. The sound it makes vibrates through the entire air and wall. He says that he isn’t afraid of confronting the loud people upstairs, but he only talks, no action. I would have much preferred him to go up and confront them, and then get himself arrested so that the home can be much quieter and less stress inducing.
Whenever we confront our dad about his noise making, he keeps saying we wont understand, he is doing that to protect us. Then once I got so mad and sad and frustrated I cried while banging my table because I was super frustrated and mad and annoyed at everything. Then he tell me to stop crying like i must listen to him and i got super angry that i was told i need to stop crying when i dont want to stop.
Not only that, my dad is disgusting as in like he throws his used tissues on the floor, he doesn’t clean them up, throws the food waste in the sink and not cleaning it up, when he cooks he use so many utensils and plates and never washes them. he also sometime doesn’t flush the toilet after his first business. he says he forget but i disagree as i think its just unhygienic and disrespectful as its not like he is the only one living in the house.
I hate talking with my dad. whenever he talks to me my default emotion is anger because i don’t respect him and if i don’t feel angry then i cannot prepare myself for his antics.
then there is my neighbor, cut from the same cloth as my dad. sadly my dad doesn’t have enough self awareness to see that he is the same as my neighbor, even though my dad despises the neighbor, calling them loud, but he always imitate them by saying some vulgar word that my neighbor always uses(I think its an offensive term referring to female genitalia in Indian).
I would say a few years back, my neighbor was even worse than today. the constant domestic shouting, once the windows shattered during the fight and twice police had to come due to the shouting. nowadays, the neighbor will blast their music loudly that I can hear it even when I close all my window and my doors. not only that, my neighbor would sometimes talk loudly outside their door that i can hear him talking. Every time it happens, it last for a few hours.
lucky my other next door neighbor don’t make a peep, their dog has not barked for a long time, as compared to when they were first there.
When i was having a meltdown, I told my mom that I feel like I’m being punished for being poor, to not be able to afford to rent or buy a house so that I can move out of this shithole.
its not like I can say this to others, because if people say I should understand my dad or reframe my thoughts, I will get super angry and I don’t want to do that. because the main point of my words is I want others to lend a listening ear, not give me some solution from their pov and some morals like I need to respect my parents or I need to suck it up because I’m poor or whatnot. I hate my dad, to the point I don’t want to manage his afterlife stuff or even show up during the wake. Will I regret doing this? Not at all.
At this point i am so accustomed that the above may only be the top of the iceberg of events that happened, and I don’t even know it.
That’s all for now for externally. Now for my own internal issues 
I think I am hyper-independent(I aim to see a therapist for this), but basically I cannot:
- form nor maintain meaningful friendships with school friends and colleagues.
- I fear responsibility
- Super tough to delegate tasks because I don’t trust them to finish the work on time/to my standard
- asking for support? Lmao what support? I don’t trust that others care about me, and they will just abandon me because I’m too needy and negative.
- I fear telling people what I feel because it not in line with their expectation/not the socially expected behavior(like eating lunch together, I hate doing this in work settings).
I call them my friends at school, but honestly i don’t feel close with them. It always feels like there is a gap between us. I was sad that one of the people i call my friend doesn’t really see me as a friend(more like casual classmates), and another didnt want to eat with me when I proposed we eat lunch together some other time, but then ate lunch with their classmates. And all the initiative(other than study related things) was from me, there was none from them. But to be frank I think I am too self-centered to agree if they want to go somewhere with me (like shopping or eat lunch with me) especially if I don’t want to/feel like it(which is like most of the time).
then for colleagues, my internship colleagues were super friendly that i felt so out of place. I don’t talk nor initiate it much. My colleagues were usually the one to start the convo. I don’t know how to talk casually like them. i also am not curious about them to ask them about their personal lives.
My old therapist didnt tell me outright, but they used sentences like “You have a lower social needs, so you don’t need to be like them, but just like how you want others to acknowledge you are there, greet them or say hi to them to let them know that you see them”.
Also, i am super lonely after graduation/being unemployed. i am whatsapping with 1 school friend, but we only talk about whether we going uni or finding a job.
I don’t disclose my thoughts and emotion to my family because my mother will not acknowledge my feelings and emotions, and will tell me to suck it up and give me her thinking solutions. Like the T in MBTI, its all about thoughts. honestly its awkward to tell my sister or brother this and i don’t think i should dump my negative emotions to them.
my mom says this family don’t talk to each other. when my sis came back from oversea school exchange, we didnt ask like oh how’s the trip, how was the school there or even a simple how was the trip. no hi, bye, how are you.
lately i drained my savings(this month is my last month before i really need the money to pay for my insurances) to pay for some language lessons and $50 for this wellbeingcircles to meet with people. wont say its going swell, but i try to attend even though its at orchard and it start at 10am(its a huge achievement considering i wake up in the afternoon nowadays and feeling like the day is wasting away everyday).
indeed is hard to move away from yr comfortzone. 
since you did say you felt a bit lonely..