Just my inner rants

Hi,

I just wanted to rant.

i have been out of job for 2 months now, to be honest it feels like 3 months. My emotional state have went up and down many times that it feels like time went by so fast.

Initially, i didn’t apply for a job because i wanted to seem available for the job. because if the potential interviewer/employer sees that i am employed, then what if they rescind my job offer or don’t want to hire me.

Now, when i look back, i think that was a dumb decision made by my anxiety and overconfidence that employers will hire me. The anxiety that employers want me to be immediately available made me not consider applying for 1 month jobs/part time jobs.

Now that I am unemployed for 2 months, I feel stable. Whenever I think about getting a job or working, I dread it because it means I need to leave my comfort zone(unemployment). I liked staying at home, slacking off.

But I hate my home whenever my dad or neighbor from hell is home. They make so much noise whenever they are back home, and it irritates me to no end. Some of the noises they make are screaming, shouting, talking/turn their music up so loudly even walls cant block their noise, banging on tables, using their heel to stomp on the floor to make a “boom boom boom” sound like an ogre. My dad says that my neighbor on top of us are making these banging noises, so he will bang on things or use a metal pole(i think it has rubber on the end) and bang on the wall. The sound it makes vibrates through the entire air and wall. He says that he isn’t afraid of confronting the loud people upstairs, but he only talks, no action. I would have much preferred him to go up and confront them, and then get himself arrested so that the home can be much quieter and less stress inducing.

Whenever we confront our dad about his noise making, he keeps saying we wont understand, he is doing that to protect us. Then once I got so mad and sad and frustrated I cried while banging my table because I was super frustrated and mad and annoyed at everything. Then he tell me to stop crying like i must listen to him and i got super angry that i was told i need to stop crying when i dont want to stop.

Not only that, my dad is disgusting as in like he throws his used tissues on the floor, he doesn’t clean them up, throws the food waste in the sink and not cleaning it up, when he cooks he use so many utensils and plates and never washes them. he also sometime doesn’t flush the toilet after his first business. he says he forget but i disagree as i think its just unhygienic and disrespectful as its not like he is the only one living in the house.

I hate talking with my dad. whenever he talks to me my default emotion is anger because i don’t respect him and if i don’t feel angry then i cannot prepare myself for his antics.

then there is my neighbor, cut from the same cloth as my dad. sadly my dad doesn’t have enough self awareness to see that he is the same as my neighbor, even though my dad despises the neighbor, calling them loud, but he always imitate them by saying some vulgar word that my neighbor always uses(I think its an offensive term referring to female genitalia in Indian).

I would say a few years back, my neighbor was even worse than today. the constant domestic shouting, once the windows shattered during the fight and twice police had to come due to the shouting. nowadays, the neighbor will blast their music loudly that I can hear it even when I close all my window and my doors. not only that, my neighbor would sometimes talk loudly outside their door that i can hear him talking. Every time it happens, it last for a few hours.

lucky my other next door neighbor don’t make a peep, their dog has not barked for a long time, as compared to when they were first there.

When i was having a meltdown, I told my mom that I feel like I’m being punished for being poor, to not be able to afford to rent or buy a house so that I can move out of this shithole.

its not like I can say this to others, because if people say I should understand my dad or reframe my thoughts, I will get super angry and I don’t want to do that. because the main point of my words is I want others to lend a listening ear, not give me some solution from their pov and some morals like I need to respect my parents or I need to suck it up because I’m poor or whatnot. I hate my dad, to the point I don’t want to manage his afterlife stuff or even show up during the wake. Will I regret doing this? Not at all.

At this point i am so accustomed that the above may only be the top of the iceberg of events that happened, and I don’t even know it.

That’s all for now for externally. Now for my own internal issues :expressionless_face:

I think I am hyper-independent(I aim to see a therapist for this), but basically I cannot:

  1. form nor maintain meaningful friendships with school friends and colleagues.
  2. I fear responsibility
  3. Super tough to delegate tasks because I don’t trust them to finish the work on time/to my standard
  4. asking for support? Lmao what support? I don’t trust that others care about me, and they will just abandon me because I’m too needy and negative.
  5. I fear telling people what I feel because it not in line with their expectation/not the socially expected behavior(like eating lunch together, I hate doing this in work settings).

I call them my friends at school, but honestly i don’t feel close with them. It always feels like there is a gap between us. I was sad that one of the people i call my friend doesn’t really see me as a friend(more like casual classmates), and another didnt want to eat with me when I proposed we eat lunch together some other time, but then ate lunch with their classmates. And all the initiative(other than study related things) was from me, there was none from them. But to be frank I think I am too self-centered to agree if they want to go somewhere with me (like shopping or eat lunch with me) especially if I don’t want to/feel like it(which is like most of the time).

then for colleagues, my internship colleagues were super friendly that i felt so out of place. I don’t talk nor initiate it much. My colleagues were usually the one to start the convo. I don’t know how to talk casually like them. i also am not curious about them to ask them about their personal lives.

My old therapist didnt tell me outright, but they used sentences like “You have a lower social needs, so you don’t need to be like them, but just like how you want others to acknowledge you are there, greet them or say hi to them to let them know that you see them”.

Also, i am super lonely after graduation/being unemployed. i am whatsapping with 1 school friend, but we only talk about whether we going uni or finding a job.

I don’t disclose my thoughts and emotion to my family because my mother will not acknowledge my feelings and emotions, and will tell me to suck it up and give me her thinking solutions. Like the T in MBTI, its all about thoughts. honestly its awkward to tell my sister or brother this and i don’t think i should dump my negative emotions to them.

my mom says this family don’t talk to each other. when my sis came back from oversea school exchange, we didnt ask like oh how’s the trip, how was the school there or even a simple how was the trip. no hi, bye, how are you.

lately i drained my savings(this month is my last month before i really need the money to pay for my insurances) to pay for some language lessons and $50 for this wellbeingcircles to meet with people. wont say its going swell, but i try to attend even though its at orchard and it start at 10am(its a huge achievement considering i wake up in the afternoon nowadays and feeling like the day is wasting away everyday).

It sounds like so much you have been going through. I hear home just doesn’t feel safe and comfortable, for you to just be able to be offguard — yet you’re on edge and you’re not supported emotionally. We all deserve a space like that and I wish home was one for you. You deserve a space like that.

I hear that you’re aiming to see a therapist, which is amazing stuff! I’m wondering if it’s something that you’re considering in the near future? I would encourage it, not just for the goals you shared, but because a therapist also supports you through all these tough times. You might be wondering what support, I see you. But its the therapist’s job — which makes them in a unique position to not abandon you. They will be there for you at the appointment hour — it’s short but it’s real and trustworthy because of it. Most of all, you deserve so much support. You don’t deserve to be left behind or out of place. You deserve to be you, and not grow up too fast.

Just sending the warmest hugs to you

Hey @user0645. Thank you for putting all this into words. It takes so much emotional energy to even begin expression what you’ve been carrying, and I want honour that.

There’s so much in your message that reflects a real desire not just to be heard, but to feel understood, to feel seen beyond survival mode.

I want to say this first that everything you’re feeling makes sense. When your home isn’t peaceful, when people around you dismiss or harm you emotionally, when attempts to connect leave you feeling more isolated, of course it starts to wear you down. Of course your mind starts looping in self-doubt, grief, in loneliness.

But even in all of this, I noticed something powerful: you haven’t stopped trying. You’re going for language classes. You’re attending wellness circles, even when it’s early and far. You’re writing all of this down, which shows you’re trying to make sense of what’s happening inside you instead of shutting it all out.

That’s not just resilience. That’s quiet determination. That’s you, trying to show up for yourself, even when you’re not sure who will show up for you in return.

Therapy sounds like something you’re already considering, and I hope you give yourself permission to go through with it, not because you’re broken, but because you’re worth that kind of care. You don’t have to carry all of this on your own. A therapist won’t fix everything, but they can help hold space for the parts of you that never had space to speak.

Take your time. There’s not rush to “fix” anything. You’re already doing something meaningful just by speaking honestly :sunflower:

Hello @user0645

Thank you for sharing this. I can hear how heavy everything has been for you.

It sounds like these past few months have been incredibly difficult, not just because of the job situation, but because of everything surrounding it. The noise, the emotional weight, the pressure, and the loneliness. I hear how tiring it must be to keep carrying all of this without feeling truly understood.

I also hear the isolation, the feeling that even when you reach out or try to connect, it doesn’t land the way you hoped. It’s hard when you’re putting in effort and not receiving it back, and even harder when it feels like you’re too much or not enough at the same time.

What you’re describing about your relationships, your fears, your sense of disconnection. I hear how lonely that is. And I hear the strength it took to write all of this down.

You’ve been through a lot. And you’re holding so much, even when it feels like things are barely holding together. I’m here with you in this, just listening. You’re not alone in this.

Hey @user0645 sounds like a lot is happening at the moment and you are having emotional conflicts going on within you. It is definitely not easy dealing with different emotions racing through. So glad to hear you are seeing a therapist. Despite everything that is going on, you are extremely self-aware.

From what you’ve described it also sounds like you have been told not to express yourself freely and that could explain some of the feelings and inner conflicts you might be experiencing. If it helps, it would be very helpful to understand more about your attachment styles with your therapist to understand more about what is going on. That might also give some insights to work with.

Also, it sounds like you are attending the well being circles even though you don’t feel like it. I wonder where is all that motivation coming from? That says you are looking for avenues to express yourself and feel better. You are doing the right thing.

Sigh my old man also like that > google emo immature parents :frowning: indeed is hard to move away from yr comfortzone. @user0645 That’s quite triggering to alw hear noise from both those ppl.

I was prev Wfh-- i was freelancing online some work but the old don’t recognize that as ‘real job’, been constantly harped on- should find some job outside. After persevering in 2022 i scored.

@Lotus2222 ou have been told not to express yourself freely and that could explain some of the feelings and inner conflicts – Quite true for me too, now i dun care, i yell if fogey tries his manipulative crap on me.

hi, what you said all sounds pretty hard to handle, and im proud of you for being able to express your struggles and take steps towards getting better!!

about getting a job, i feel like in the long run, its definitely something you’ll have to do eventually, and i hope you’ll be able to step out of your comfort zone to help yourself before it gets even more difficult to do so..

you mentioned some things about your dad, and i do think he’s being a little unreasonable :frowning: maybe if you don’t like being at home as you mentioned, you could try going out and finding a job instead? in this way, you get to spend more time at the workspace instead of at home, and earn income in the meantime!

it sounds like you have really nice people at your internship! try not to be scared off by their friendliness, and maybe you can make more friends there :smiley: since you did say you felt a bit lonely..

in any case, best of luck!! things will get better <3