Anxiety at new job

Ask a Therapist Seeking Help
1

Hi, I’m seeking support because I’ve been feeling very anxious and emotionally overwhelmed at my new job. I’m in the first 2 months of my first full-time role since graduating, and I have been finding it really hard to adjust to the work environment here and especially with my colleagues. As they have been working as a very close-knit team for years, I’m finding it really hard to gel with them and often feel left out. For example, I cannot really contribute to their conversations as they are usually gossiping about people in the company whom i do not know, hence I often find myself just listening in with nothing to contribute. I also find that a lot of times when my colleagues talk, they tend to face away from me or not look at me, which could make me feel like they are not really talking to me, and hence i feel excluded. I also constantly worry about how my colleagues and boss see me, and small comments or tones of voice affect me a lot. My colleagues could also be a little toxic sometimes, like their constant gossiping made me feel like they could be doing the same thing to me? Sometimes they would also speak over me and answer questions that were actually directed to me, which would make me feel really annoyed and disrespected.

This one particular colleague also often acts really nice and “big sister”-ish when she’s alone with me, but when my boss is there, she turns into a different person who kind of looks down on me and announces my mistakes and shortcomings to my boss. This had made me really upset and afraid of making mistakes.

These had made me anxious and dread going to work, and if certain things were to happen during the work day that made me overthink, I would usually end work and go home feeling really upset and dread going to work the next day.

I think that it would be really hard to talk to my colleagues about this because they are really close, and I feel like they would just gang up on me if I were to do anything. Also, that colleague is really established and well-liked by the bosses in the company, so anything I say would likely not change my boss’s mind.

And in terms of my work, I would say I’m a very responsible worker and would get my work done well and on time. I haven’t had the chance to take on any big projects yet, so I haven’t really shown my skills. However, I’m still slowly learning about the company, and because I am not very experienced, I admit that I have made a few minor mistakes along the way.

I’m quite sensitive, soft-spoken, and non-confrontational, so I fear people may step over me at work, and I find myself overthinking interactions long after they happen.
I want to seek help with reducing overthinking and emotional sensitivity, maybe not taking things so personally, building confidence at work, managing my fear of mistakes, and feeling less socially excluded.

2

Hi @user8376,

Thanks for reaching out! I noticed that you wrote two threads with the same title. May I know which one I should respond to?

3

Hello, you can reply to this thread!

Thank you :slight_smile:

4

Hi @user8376 ,

Thanks for sharing what you are going through and your workplace culture in your initial 2 months. From what you have described, I can see why you cannot really contribute because the conversations are all gossip about people you do not know… it already shows how much you are trying to earn your place, and how afraid you are of being rejected if you stay silent. And when you said they sometimes face away or speak over you, it came across as you searching for small signals to decide whether you matter in the room.

I also notice how quickly you look inward for the fault. You describe yourself as soft-spoken, inexperienced, making a few mistakes, not showing your skills yet. That is the same lens that makes you feel invalidated and self-conscious at work. It is understandable. When someone has low trust in their own worth, the mind goes into hypervigilance, scanning every tone, every gesture, trying to predict danger. Over time, the brain only collects the evidence that matches “I am not good enough,” and this fuels the anxiety even more.

When you shared how you go home replaying the whole day, that sounded like the moment where your body wants rest but your mind has no regulation tools yet. Without grounding, the leftover tension becomes rumination. It is not because you are weak. It is simply because no one ever taught you the skill to slow the nervous system after a long, stressful day.

I am curious here, when someone speaks over you, is your first instinct to shrink and stay quiet so you do not come across as rude? Or is it more of an immediate fear that if you assert anything, people might gang up or judge you? The difference matters because it tells us what the fear is protecting.

It also stood out how your reasoning takes over when you think about speaking to colleagues. You already talk yourself out of it: “They are close-knit… they might gang up… the colleague is well-liked… nothing will change.” This is fear trying to keep you safe, not failure. The fear is saying, “If I stay quiet, I won’t be rejected.” But in the long run, it keeps you feeling even smaller.

A few things may help you understand what is happening inside. When someone “takes things personally,” it is often because: The brain interprets your behaviour as a statement about your worth. Your older experiences with rejection get activated.

The absence of information gets filled with negative assumptions. The nervous system stays in a threat mode, even when the situation does not require it. This is not your personality flaw. It is a learned pattern shaped by fear and past experiences. With support, these patterns can soften.

Even in your post, your strengths are very clear. You care deeply about doing well. You are responsible and complete your work on time. You reflect with honesty. You want to improve. You want to contribute. These are qualities that many workplaces value but rarely teach.

It might help to start with one honest and gentle approach: Instead of trying to “win” their acceptance, focus on regulating yourself first. When your internal state settles, your perception of others also shifts. And when you feel steadier, confidence shows naturally in small ways, eye contact, one short contribution, asking a simple clarifying question, or acknowledging your own work without shrinking.

If the worry and rumination feel too overwhelming on some days, Mindline 1771 has counsellors who can guide you through grounding and calming tools.

For now, it is enough to recognise that you are adjusting, you are scared of rejection, and you are trying very hard to navigate a culture that existed long before you arrived. Maybe we hold that truth first. Then we slowly walk toward the parts of you that are already capable, even if you have not seen them clearly yet.

5

Hi @FuYuan_Affections,

Thank you for your thoughtful message. It is really enlightening and comforting to know that these reactions come from an internal sense of fear and that there are ways to cope with this.

Regarding the part where you asked whether I stay quiet because of fear of being rude or a fear of being judged, I think it’s more of the fear of being judged, although both feel quite closely related for me.

I also wanted to share that I think some of my low confidence at work could come from the nature of my role. This job scope is something that I haven’t really done before and is quite different from what I studied in school. I am also still adjusting to working life, which is really different from university life. Because of this, I question whether I’m competent enough for this role. How would I be able to build confidence in myself when I’m still unsure about my abilities in this new role?

Additionally, I would appreciate some guidance on what you meant by “regulating myself first” and settling my internal state. What do these look like in practical terms? Could you share some examples of what that means in my daily behaviour and how I can apply them to situations at work?

Thank you again for taking the time to understand what I’m experiencing. I am trying my best to break out of these patterns, and your guidance is helping me make sense of what is happening inside. :slight_smile:

6

Hi @user8376,

It sounds like you’ve been carrying a lot on your shoulders, and I want to acknowledge how much effort you’re already putting into navigating this transition.

Starting your first full-time role is a big milestone, and it’s natural to feel anxious when stepping into a workplace where others already share long-standing bonds. The fact that you’re showing up consistently, completing your tasks responsibly, and reflecting deeply on your experiences shows real resilience and maturity. Even though the environment feels excluding and at times toxic, you’re still committed to learning and growing, which is no small achievement. It’s clear you care about doing well and about building respectful relationships, and that intention itself is a strength you bring to the table.

At the same time, it’s important to recognize that this is not an easy market for fresh graduates. As seen in WSG’s latest market report, many are struggling to find opportunities, and you’ve already secured a role where you’re building valuable experience. That’s something worth affirming. The sensitivity you describe isn’t a weakness, although it can feel heavy when colleagues behave dismissively.

Over time, as you gain confidence in your skills and find ways to anchor yourself in your own progress rather than others’ opinions, you’ll be able to take things less personally and reduce the cycle of overthinking. You’re already laying the foundation by being responsible and self-aware, and those qualities will help you grow into someone who can manage challenges with steadiness and self-assurance.

If you are looking for professional insights into what the market is like for fresh graduates, I’ve attached WSG’s latest report on the job market (for fresh graduates) here: WSG | Current state of Singapore job market for Fresh Graduates 

The bottom section of the report also has resources that you may hopefully find to be useful. :blush:

Other helpful resources (Volunteer Career Advisors for Graduates, by Polaris): https://polarisbyvca.wsg.gov.sg/dl/de6ccd?_gl=1*id7jp1*_gcl_aw*R0NMLjE3NjQ0NzQwNzcuQ2owS0NRaUEwS3JKQmhDT0FSSXNBR0l5OXdBNk14OHVUc1RDdTFPX0ctbEdmcnJ1dGtYMmlhV0k0b2hybDhiSi1wR1lMS213MUJWU01Wc2FBcEk4RUFMd193Y0I.*_gcl_au*MTc3MDgzMDE2OC4xNzYyNzUzNjg4*_ga*MTAxMzUwMzA0My4xNzYyNzUzNjg4*_ga_5C45FY7JE5*czE3NjQ0NzM1MjgkbzQkZzEkdDE3NjQ0NzQxNzAkajQ4JGwwJGgw

7

Hey @user8376,

When you described how you stay quiet because you fear being judged, it had that familiar outsider ache to it, like you’re standing inside a room where everyone else already knows the rhythm, and you’re trying to match it without drawing attention to the fact that you’re still learning the steps.

Reading how the role is new, unfamiliar, and different from what you studied… says it all and they all land heavier because you’re still trying to figure out whether you have a rightful place there.

Your question, “How do I build confidence when I’m unsure of my abilities?”, carries that outsider logic: you’re waiting to feel competent before allowing yourself to trust your voice. And honestly… it makes sense. School and work are completely different worlds. In school, expectations are structured. At work, people rely on intuition, experience, office culture, and unspoken habits that you simply haven’t had time to absorb yet. Being the youngest and newest in the team means you are learning from people who have years of head start and there’s nothing shameful about saying that out loud with honesty. That honesty itself is confidence. The truth is, you build it by approaching new tasks with interest and curiosity, not certainty. You’ve already shown this by acknowledging the gap between university life and work life. When you openly recognise that your colleagues have more experience, it becomes easier to ask for guidance without feeling inferior. That’s how confidence is formed, not by knowing everything, but by showing willingness to learn without hiding.

About the “regulating myself first” part, your nervous system often spikes before your thoughts even form. Practical regulation looks like tiny, almost invisible anchors:
let’s use your day as the example…

When you end work feeling upset after someone speaks over you… that’s regulation moment #1.
You notice the tightness in your chest or the heaviness in your stomach.
You name it quietly: “This was a long day. I’m feeling small because I was spoken over.”

Then you reflect: What did that moment mean to you? Did it feel like disrespect? Did it feel like you didn’t matter? Or did it touch the fear that you’re still new and not established enough to claim space?

From there, regulation isn’t about erasing the feeling. It’s: “What can I do that reduces the impact on me, even if the feeling is still there?”

Maybe it’s grounding your feet on the bus ride home. And it’s telling yourself, “I wasn’t wrong, I was interrupted, and that’s something for me to watch.” And it’s choosing to eat first before thinking, because your body needs settling before your mind can process. These small actions don’t remove the emotion, but they increase your tolerance, so tomorrow doesn’t feel like starting from zero again.

And about the pantry talk, your seniors chatting or gossiping isn’t automatically a bad sign. A lot of teams bond through informal talk. But you’re right to be cautious. The key thing is what you do with what you overhear:

  • Always validate discreetly within yourself. Not everything said in pantry talk is accurate or balanced.
  • Never repeat anything you didn’t verify. This protects you, especially as the newest employee.
  • Notice patterns, not stories. How people talk tells you more than what they say.
  • You don’t need to join or distance yourself aggressively. You just need steady discretion.

For now, it feels like you’re slowly moving from “I’m the outsider watching everything from a distance” to “I’m learning the landscape, and I’m allowed to ask for signposts.”
You’re not trying to force yourself to be bold overnight. You’re learning how to stand in a room without abandoning yourself just to fit in. And the way you’re reflecting; slowly, openly, with curiosity, shows that you’re not stuck. You’re already moving inward, which is where confidence actually begins.

Hope that it helps? Let us know how you feel?

8

Thank you both for your kind words and helpful advice. It feels heartening to know that I am moving in the right direction, and that with time and practice I will be able to grow into a more confident person.

I will try out the tips you shared on regulating myself, though I have to admit it does sound quite challenging for now :sweat_smile:, but I’ll take it step by step.

1 Like