Feeling bad

[clll123]

hihi just a rant that i dont really know how to put across well. you dont have to read everything im so sorry for the really long essay sorry

soo i recently quit dance which has been a really big part of my life. having entered competitions both in sg and overseas, participating in performances, and training for up to 18 hours a week, dance had played a huge part in my life. but this year, i quit. i just started feeling reluctant whenever i have to go classes and eventually i quit competing and trained only twice a week for 1h30mins each but somehow dance just didnt feel the same anymore and then i quit it altogether

(i’d won several times during covid where the competitions were virtual but after covid, i havent been performing well onstage due to anxiety and constantly received certificates of participations. a huge contrast to my teammates which made me feel really upset since my dance school was considered one of the best. i’ve also been with my dance school a year after their opening but recently the’ve become more money orientated and dont really care about those who dont produce results (me))

so i told my mum about it and she was really unwilling to let me quit (though she eventually did) and we argued lots over it. she urged me to stay and complete one last dance exam but i just couldnt bring myself to. i felt really bad and i could see how disappointed she was with me. since then, she’s made me feel bad about quitting dance countless times be it rubbing the fact that my teammates got to compete in newyork, how a friend i convinced to join my former dance school is doing really well - better than i ever did, or simply just being sarcastic whenever i bring up the achievements of my dance friends. i know she’s invested lots in my dance journey - around 53k plus a year, and the fact that my father got retrenched recently makes things infinitely worse (though thats part of a reason i quit). now i cant stop feeling really really horrible and disgusting as i havent really achieved anything notable with dance despite her investment in it and its not like my studies are straight As either so… to make things worse, after time off dance i really really really miss it alot, so much my heart hurts really bad every time i see people dance. i miss the stage, moments backstage and everything that comes with it, not competing however but performing

im just really at a loss on how to feel because i know im the one in the wrong and i feel like i should have stayed just to placate my family but at the same time we would be really tight on money if i continued. now, even if i wanted to rejoin dance, i cant as i have a major exam coming up soon and my back injury has gotten alot worse since i’ve quit dance. i feel like im just being dramatic about all this since my back injury doesnt require surgery or anything serious yet. but it hurts when my mum just dismisses it. i feel SO SO SO SO SO HORRIBLE about everything i dont know what to do lol because i know im a horrible daughter for making them waste so much money on me. sorry again for the really long rant, typos and stuffs sorry

[Otterworldly]

Firstly @clll123 you are not a horrible daughter on the contrary, you are a good daughter for wanting to take care of yourself From what you said I can tell you are just trying to take care of your own emotions and health while balancing your concern for others so kudos to you for that

Pain is your body’s way of signalling you to rest and that something might be not right. Previously I was very into bouldering and ignored the pain my knee was experiencing and pushed too hard till it got injured till the point of surgery. So remember to take care of your body first and foremost alright other things can wait

Also, did you enjoy dance or was it something your parents wanted you to do?

[clll123]

oh man i hope your knee is okay now and i did enjoy dance at first but it eventually became something my parents wanted me to do lol

[Beaver]

Hi @clll123 thank you so much for sharing this! No need to feel sorry, your feelings are totally welcome here!

I can tell that you’re having some mixed feelings about quitting something that’s clearly been such a big part of your life!

It seems that there’s tension between external expectations (from your mom, your peers, and it seems even your dance school) and pressures (the physical pain, time commitment, and financial expense from your family), and your own joy from performing and the community that comes with being part of an art form.

A few thoughts-
It seems that you’re internalizing a lot of the blame for the situation, and I want to let you know that nobody is forcing your mum to spend this money on your dance journey! Even if in the past you’ve expressed enthusiasm for it, it’s entirely a parent’s responsibility to decide how much to invest into their child’s hobbies and interests. I get the sense that your mom’s expectations for what your dance career could/should be exceed your own, and it’s not your fault that reality is different from her imagination! I think it might be helpful to have a discussion with your mom about what those expectations are/were, especially given the financial and physical costs its taken on you and your family.

Having said that, the loss that you feel now that something so central is no longer part of your life is totally understandable. But with the closing of that door also opens new possibilities! Are there any other interests, hobbies, or friend groups that you’ve wanted to spend time on but haven’t had the time to?

I also think that your concern regarding your exams are super valid! Ultimately unless you intend to be a professional dancer, your studies and your experience in school will have the longest-term impact on your future. I get the sense that because you’ve invested so much time into dance that it does feel like a major loss now that you’re not doing it at the moment. But just because you’re taking a break doesn’t mean that you will never return to it in the future! Some distance from something that you love might also give you perspective as to what about dance you care about so much, which might give you clarity if you want to explore it again in the future.

Thank you again for sharing! Your concerns are real, and you shouldn’t feel bad for feeling them!