I don’t really know where to start? I feel weird, in a sense like, I don’t feel human.
I think I’ve had this feeling since I was 14, when my mental health was also very unstable. Back then, I likened myself to a god. I’m 25 this year, and now it’s more of like a, I feel like an alien pretending to be human? If that makes sense. There was a period where I thought I was a brain in a jar too.
These days I feel like a kicked dog. Like, I don’t know why I struggle to see myself as ‘human’. I feel like I desperately try to seek approval from people around me all the time. Like a dog, begging for attention. It’s only recently that I started my current job that it’s gotten this bad. I’m constantly anxious or crying, and when I’m not I feel totally numb. It feels like I don’t have control over my emotions. I feel cut off from everything, and feeling empathy or anything else feels hard sometimes (I know it makes me sound selfish).
I feel very overwhelmed but not all at the same time. I hate coming to work but I go through the motions anyway. I have no motivation to do anything, and I wish that time would come to a stop so I can finally breathe. I don’t necessarily want to die, but I feel very passively suicidal.
I’m going to see a psychologist at the polyclinic on 14 September, so I’ll bring up all of these things to them when I’m there. I just feel very conflicted rn and I guess I need someone to give me some advice? I would appreciate it 
Hi @Fancydino, thank you for reaching out and sharing something so personal and vulnerable.
What you are describing here may be associated with depersonalisation (feeling detached from yourself) and derealisation (feeling cut off from the world around you). These are recognised psychological experience that one can go through especially during periods of high stress or when mental health is under strain. The fact that it’s intensified after you start your new job recently actually makes a lot of sense… the new environments, new pressures, and the need to “perform” socially can really amplify these feelings.
The emotional swings between anxiety, crying, and total numbness are also worth naming. That pattern of intense emotion followed by a kind of shutdown is something the mind does when things get too overwhelmed. It’s not you being too much or selfish. The part on finding it difficult to feel empathy is actually your nervous system trying to protect you when you already feel emotionally depleted, not a character flaw.
It’s really good to hear that you have an upcoming appointment. When you speak to your psychologist, do try to share as much of what you have written here as you can. You have articulated things very clearly and they will be able to support you in understanding and addressing the underlying factors that contributes to how you are feeling:)
Perhaps here are something that I can share with you for when you feel overwhelmed/anxious.
- Box Breathing: inhale for 4 counts, hold for 4, exhale for 4, hold for 4. It helps to calms your nervous system.
- 5-4-3-2-1 Grounding: naming 5 things you can see, 4 you can touch, 3 you can hear, 2 you can smell, 1 you can taste. This helps to bring back your attention to the present moment ad your physical body.
In the meantime, if you notice the passive suicidal feelings become more intense or feel less passive, please don’t wait until the 14th. You can reach the Samaritans of Singapore (SOS) at 1767, you don’t have to be in immediate crisis to reach out to them.
Alternatively, when you wish to speak to someone, you can reach out to National Mindline 1771 by calling 1771 or WhatsApp them @ 66691771.
You have already taken the step to seek help, and that matters:)
@responsiblecantaloupe thank you! I’ll try those exercises. I think I tried the 5-4-3-2-1 method before but I always get lost halfway cus I can’t remember what came next 
Sort of related, I was wondering if they could admit me for saying that I’m passively suicidal? Or if I worded it another way? Because I can’t afford to be admitted rn 
like I don’t have plans or anything, I don’t plan on actively hurting myself, but I just worry a lot
Glad to know that you have been trying different ways to manage as well, honestly, forgetting the order is so relatable especially when you are already feeling overwhelmed. There are actually different kind of grounding exercises available, so ultimately is to explore one that suits you:)
On your question about admission, I hear your concern and it is understandable. Generally speaking, passive suicidal ideation is taken seriously by mental health professionals, but it doesn’t automatically lead to admission. Most important thing is to be honest with your psychologist rather than downplaying what you are feeling. Do give them the trust that they are trained to make that call carefully and won’t jump straight to admission without good reason.