Going back to school might 💀me

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My life for 10yrs straight has been straight up surviving and not living. I had undiagnosed depression and anxiety when I was younger, was bullied in pri school and sec school. Plus exam stress and lack of friendships have been so isolating to the point I would rather rip my heart out than to continue living this dissociated life where I have to fake smile everyday. I can’t even pass my subjects anyway. I just wished school was easier. Honestly, everyday feels like my mental state and physical body is detached, IMH will not help me , I have already tried fluoxetine but it never helped anyways, just made me more brain foggy. I feel stupid and always want to breakdown, it feels embarrassing to even think about it. I don’t think I will ever have friends in this life. Maybe next life will be better, or I just wish I can just rot in this ground. I have things I like to do like baking ,cooking, but with life feeling empty, school grades failing,friendships gone. I don’t think this life is worth anymore. Ok so dissociated I don’t even know how to kill myself.Everyday is a test where I have to endure the emotional numbness, dissociated mind, looking at other young people have friends and think that I have no friends and will never anyways.

This is my life.

What would you do if this were your life, I don’t know. And care. Anymore. This might be the last time you see me.

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Hi, readyjellyfish2940

Thank you for reaching out to us. I can see how exhausting this is for you especially when this has been going on for 10 years of surviving. That sounds heavy and real. From what you have shared with me, the bullying, the isolation, the medication that did not work, the dissociation, having to fake your way through every day, these are huge amounts of pain that you have been carrying, and it makes sense why you might be at your breaking point.

You mentioned that IMH was not helpful and that fluoxetine made things worse. It must have been a frustrating experience for you…and it does not mean nothing will ever help, fluoxetine might just be one of the many options, and finding the right support often takes more than one tries. I also noticed that you mentioned baking and cooking, those are things that you can try to latch on as they are real parts of you even when things feel empty.

You don’t have to go through this alone at all. Given that you are having thoughts of how to end your life, here are some resources that you can reach out to in the meantime:

  1. Samaritans of Singapore (SOS) at 1767or text them at9151 1767 On WhatsApp
  2. If you find yourself in immediate risk or danger, please go to your nearest a&e