What an experience :/

During the September holidays, I attempted suicide. I was scrolling through my phone when suddenly I felt hopeless. I felt that everyone was better off without me. My mindset was that other people would be happy if I was no longer around in this world.

I texted my best friend saying that I wanted to kill myself this time round. All this while, I kept on saying that I wanted to die but I always didn’t do it. Without me knowing, my best friend approached my Form Teacher about it.

I went to my kitchen, opened a cabinet full of knives and stared at it for a bit. I was in a dilemma. I stared at it for a bit and I remember vividly that there were so many thoughts in my mind.

Mindset A: If I attempted, people would be happy that I am no longer around. I won’t burden people. The people around me will be better off without me. I am better off dead.

Mindset B: If I attempted, would my loved ones be okay with it? What about my parents? What about my family? What about school? What about my friends? Will my best friends and teachers be happy about it when they find out that I died? What about my dreams? What about the plans that I had for myself?

I went back to my room and received a text message from my Form Teacher. I told my FT straight away that this time around, I wanted to do it. It’s always No Action, Talk Only. I wanted to change that N.A.T.O. to action. Theory–>Practical. My FT stopped me. I put away my phone and went into blank space for a while. That resulted in my form teacher spamming me with messages cause I went offline. I continued staring into blank space until my phone rang. I checked my phone and it’s a call from my teacher. My FT called me but I didn’t pick up. I just stared at my phone while waiting for the call to end. After a while, I felt bad for not picking up his call.

I appeared again. I replied to him and asked him why he called me. He replied that I wasn’t online with him. He did ask me to stay with him and be online. I told him about me going to the kitchen. He asked me what I did there and obviously, I wouldn’t want him to know what I had in mind. I told him that I did nothing and he didn’t believe me. So I had to tell him what I wanted to do in the kitchen. He told me that he wanted to check in with my father about me. He said nothing about me wanting to attempt.

Without me knowing, he told another FT of mine. I told him that I disagreed with him trying to call my father to check in about me. I made a deal with him that if I called him and told him everything, he wouldn’t call my father. But he did anyway, behind my back.

I called him and he picked up. I told him about it and he somehow hung up on me. He said that ultimately, he is always here for me. The whole episode ended at about 1.40 am and I went to sleep right after.

I woke up at 6 a.m. only to be awakened by my father. He asked me what happened and I was confused. He showed me his phone with my female form teacher that she had called my father 18 times. Then, I felt betrayed by my FT. ‘Oh so all this while, behind my back, he was contacting my other FT about it?’ That’s when my father asked me to get ready and he brought me to IMH.

I was admitted for 2 days and 1 night. Being there is an experience. I also observed that the people there were much worse than me and I felt that I was just overreacting and exaggerating things.

Fast forward to today, and I am doing fine. I don’t have any suicidal or intrusive thoughts but I do feel down, sad, empty and numb from time to time. EOY exams are coming in about 10 more days and I’m honestly stressed about it. But looking at it from another point of view, I think that EOY is good for me now as it is distracting me and keeping me busy 24/7.

About my form teacher, he is always there for me. He gave me advice and he helped me both in terms of academics and my mental health. I also approached him for help. He also taught me how to study and gave me study tips and it really works. One thing I know for sure is that I will never forget what he did for me and honestly, I appreciate him a lot as he was really there for me. He has seen every side of me and he knows how to make me focus on reality instead of my negative thoughts.

Apart from my form teachers, I also seek help from my school counsellor and now I am seeing her every week. Honestly, the people around me are very supportive and understanding of me. They are always here to stay and help me. :slight_smile:


Thanks for sharing tour story, @vanillacake! Honestly I was a bit worried as I read the first few paragraphs but I’m glad it all turned out well in the end.

I’m really touched by your form teacher’s unwavering support for you and I wish we have more of these teachers. Really happy that you have that supportive community irl. Our virtual community is also here if you need us.

All the best for your EOY exams! :books::books:


Hi @vanillacake,

I want to start by saying how glad I am that you reached out and shared your experiences with us. It really takes a lot of courage to open up about such deeply personal and challenging emotions, and I appreciate your trust in sharing this with us here.

I’m really sorry to hear that you went through such a difficult time during the September holidays, but I’m so relieved to know that you are still safe today and that you’re doing better. Your story highlights the importance of reaching out to others and seeking help when you’re struggling with thoughts of self-harm or suicide.

I also want to encourage you to reach out to professionals below if you ever feel suicidal or have thoughts of hurting yourself:

Also, I just want to commend you for reaching out to your support system. It’s clear from what you’ve shared that you have a strong support network around you. Your best friend, form teacher, and school counselor have been there for you, and it’s heartening to see how much they care about your well-being :blush: It’s also great to hear that you’ve been able to connect with your form teacher, who not only provided academic support but also helped you navigate your mental health challenges. Having a mentor like that can make a huge impact in your life.

I want to affirm you and want you to remember that what you went through is not an overreaction or an exaggeration. Your feelings and experiences are valid, and it’s important for you to acknowledge them. It’s completely normal to have moments of sadness and emptiness, especially during stressful times like exams. Please continue to reach out to your support network, including your school counselor, whenever you feel the need to talk or when those feelings resurface.

If you feel you need extra self-help resources for managing difficult feelings on your own, here are some things you can do for yourself first:

  1. Deep Breathing: Practice deep breathing techniques to help calm your nerves in the moment. You can practice deep breathing here: Mental Support & Wellbeing Resources in Singapore to Improve Your Mental Health | mindline.sg

  2. Positive Self-Talk: Challenge negative thoughts and replace them with more positive and realistic ones. You can also try out this tool to counter negative thoughts: Mental Support & Wellbeing Resources in Singapore to Improve Your Mental Health | mindline.sg

  3. Self-Compassion: Be kind and understanding toward yourself. Here’s a short activity you can try to be kind to yourself: Mental Support & Wellbeing Resources in Singapore to Improve Your Mental Health | mindline.sg

Last but not least, you’ve shown incredible strength and resilience in seeking help and working towards improving your mental health. Your recovery is a journey with ups and downs, and it’s okay to have those moments of vulnerability. Please don’t hesitate to reach out to your support system whenever you need it, and always keep communicating about your feelings :blush:

All the best and please take care!


Hi @vanillacake ,

Thank you for sharing your experience :slight_smile: And glad that everything worked out. Have an awesome week :slight_smile:


I’ve struggled with SI for some time… In pri sch it wasn’t really an attempt?? but in sec sch, my first attempt was aft my cat passed away.

That was 2021 when i was in Sec 1. I was referred to sch counselling by my ft. I was highlighted because my subject teacher found me sh-ing in her class. I couldn’t trust the teacher-counsellor i was referred to nor my ft that time after i found out that they have been communicating with my mum without me knowing. And yes, i understand sometimes if is safety then ya la need to inform but please inform me first leh…and that time my mum would always scold me when she gets contacted by my ft which led me to not wanting to go home cuz i feared my mum.
My year head noticed that i am uncomfortable with the teacher-counsellor and asked me if i would like to switch and i politely accepted her request. From then i was bouncing between my year head and the senior sch counsellor. Why? Because my year head said that the senior sch counsellor might be busy at times so my year head would check-in with me too…

2022, i was sec 2 and my plan was simple… fake it thru and one month before my birthday, i would kill myself. Things took a turn for the better. February, a new FAJSC just transferred to my sch and instead of year head and senior sch counsellor, i was assigned to that fajsc and i could slowly trust her. Although i was attacked online by this girl, there was another victim and we both became good friends afterwards and we stayed sh sober together. I even told the new fajsc my attempts and she helped me thru it…

2023, now i am sec 3 and the start was great but things slowly went downhill and i relapsed on sh :frowning: My fajsc went on a pregnancy leave aft june holidays and me and my bestfriend was assigned to another fajsc.
In August, that fajsc understood my little cries for help and she found out about my next attempt plan and she contacted my mum. Next day, she informed me that a psychologist will see me and do a assessment. I got the results after September holidays and was diagnosed with Adjustment disorder with depressed moods. I was then referred to live on by touch and the psychologist from live on helps my mum better understand me too. and i am currently still fighting :slight_smile:


Hi @arya.z !

I want to acknowledge the tremendous strength and courage it takes to go through such deeply personal and challenging experiences. Your journey through these difficult times shows a remarkable resilience and determination to keep fighting, despite the hardships you’ve faced, and I commend you for that fighting spirit!

The journey you’ve described, from struggling with self-harm to finding supportive individuals who have genuinely cared for your well-being, really is an example for us that displays your perseverance and resilience. I can see that you’ve encountered many obstacles, but you’ve also found moments of support and connection that have helped you along the way :slight_smile:

The fact that you’ve been diagnosed with Adjustment Disorder with depressed moods and have sought support from professionals is an encouragement for us, because it shows us how much one can heal from support!

I would like you to have these resources if you ever feel like you’re approaching a crisis, so that you have someone to reach out to:

Please do keep these numbers on hand in case of any emergencies.

Last but not least, your willingness to share your story and seek help is truly commendable. It’s a testament to your strength and the courage you possess to confront the challenges you’re facing. It’s also inspiring to hear how you and your best friend supported each other through difficult times and stayed “sober” together. These connections and the support you’ve found along the way are valuable. They demonstrate the importance of having a supportive network during challenging times.

You are not alone in this journey. The fact that you’re continuing to fight and seek support is incredibly brave! :slight_smile: I encourage you to keep reaching out for help whenever you need it, whether it’s from professionals, supportive friends, or trusted individuals in your life. Your strength and resilience are truly remarkable, and I believe in your ability to continue moving forward. Your story is a testament to the power of resilience, and we are here to support and encourage you on your journey! :slight_smile:

1 Like