During the September holidays, I attempted suicide. I was scrolling through my phone when suddenly I felt hopeless. I felt that everyone was better off without me. My mindset was that other people would be happy if I was no longer around in this world.
I texted my best friend saying that I wanted to kill myself this time round. All this while, I kept on saying that I wanted to die but I always didn’t do it. Without me knowing, my best friend approached my Form Teacher about it.
I went to my kitchen, opened a cabinet full of knives and stared at it for a bit. I was in a dilemma. I stared at it for a bit and I remember vividly that there were so many thoughts in my mind.
Mindset A: If I attempted, people would be happy that I am no longer around. I won’t burden people. The people around me will be better off without me. I am better off dead.
Mindset B: If I attempted, would my loved ones be okay with it? What about my parents? What about my family? What about school? What about my friends? Will my best friends and teachers be happy about it when they find out that I died? What about my dreams? What about the plans that I had for myself?
I went back to my room and received a text message from my Form Teacher. I told my FT straight away that this time around, I wanted to do it. It’s always No Action, Talk Only. I wanted to change that N.A.T.O. to action. Theory–>Practical. My FT stopped me. I put away my phone and went into blank space for a while. That resulted in my form teacher spamming me with messages cause I went offline. I continued staring into blank space until my phone rang. I checked my phone and it’s a call from my teacher. My FT called me but I didn’t pick up. I just stared at my phone while waiting for the call to end. After a while, I felt bad for not picking up his call.
I appeared again. I replied to him and asked him why he called me. He replied that I wasn’t online with him. He did ask me to stay with him and be online. I told him about me going to the kitchen. He asked me what I did there and obviously, I wouldn’t want him to know what I had in mind. I told him that I did nothing and he didn’t believe me. So I had to tell him what I wanted to do in the kitchen. He told me that he wanted to check in with my father about me. He said nothing about me wanting to attempt.
Without me knowing, he told another FT of mine. I told him that I disagreed with him trying to call my father to check in about me. I made a deal with him that if I called him and told him everything, he wouldn’t call my father. But he did anyway, behind my back.
I called him and he picked up. I told him about it and he somehow hung up on me. He said that ultimately, he is always here for me. The whole episode ended at about 1.40 am and I went to sleep right after.
I woke up at 6 a.m. only to be awakened by my father. He asked me what happened and I was confused. He showed me his phone with my female form teacher that she had called my father 18 times. Then, I felt betrayed by my FT. ‘Oh so all this while, behind my back, he was contacting my other FT about it?’ That’s when my father asked me to get ready and he brought me to IMH.
I was admitted for 2 days and 1 night. Being there is an experience. I also observed that the people there were much worse than me and I felt that I was just overreacting and exaggerating things.
Fast forward to today, and I am doing fine. I don’t have any suicidal or intrusive thoughts but I do feel down, sad, empty and numb from time to time. EOY exams are coming in about 10 more days and I’m honestly stressed about it. But looking at it from another point of view, I think that EOY is good for me now as it is distracting me and keeping me busy 24/7.
About my form teacher, he is always there for me. He gave me advice and he helped me both in terms of academics and my mental health. I also approached him for help. He also taught me how to study and gave me study tips and it really works. One thing I know for sure is that I will never forget what he did for me and honestly, I appreciate him a lot as he was really there for me. He has seen every side of me and he knows how to make me focus on reality instead of my negative thoughts.
Apart from my form teachers, I also seek help from my school counsellor and now I am seeing her every week. Honestly, the people around me are very supportive and understanding of me. They are always here to stay and help me.