i’m currently 16 and doing my o-levels, but i think i’m facing a midlife crisis or something idk but all the trauma that i’ve ever had to face all those years ago of the abuse done by my mother is resurfacing now. to set the context, it wasn’t always physical abuse - yes, there were times, multiple times actually, where she’d put her hands on me. growing up, she’d always manipulate, gaslight, and guilt-trip me into thinking whatever she did to me was “out of love” but quite frankly, i don’t see how it’s love at all. i say this because i see a pattern and i recognise its repetition - it’s not the same as your typical asian mom just beating you. this woman is narcissistic and manipulative. everything must go her way or she’ll quite literally burn the whole earth down because she’s a literal narcissist. an extreme one dare i say. i think the rootedness of my trauma comes from her narcissism. i really want to go for therapy but can’t seem to find the time to go for sessions or even venture out for a therapist to talk to. i want to heal from this trauma that i have because it’s affecting who i am as a person and how i act towards others (i have major issues with my temper, i don’t really know if i have any mental illnesses because i’ve never spoken to a professional). dare i say the trauma i’ve had to experience has shaped me into the person i am now; and certainly, it’s not something that i’m proud of. but i’m tired, and life honestly feels like crap knowing i am the way i am because of my mother. i don’t wanna be this way forever. i’m proud that i endured the stuff i had to go through but truthfully, i’m still trying to make sense of it and heal. i’m still struggling so bad.