What’s wrong with me?

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1

hi, this is my first time on here, let alone a public space speaking about myself and my emotions like this. i’m 16 years old. growing up, i had a mom who was mentally unstable, mentally absent, and mentally/physically abusive. my dad, while he’s a good parent, i saw him more through as screen than i did in real life. not that they’re divorced, he just works overseas. as i got into secondary school, my mother didn’t tone down, but her tactics changed. she hides it under a layer of a ‘kind and protective’ mother now, but that’s a story for another time. i basically grew up on my own, learning the harsh reality of this world the hard way. i’m financially stable but everything else is not.

that’s just a brief summary of myself. over the years, i’ve built up a wall of defence for myself, constantly putting my guard up no matter where i was, or who i was with. that later led me to become known as someone who had “anger issues” or “low-tempered”, which is true. but i think it comes from her. and usually, even if i did lash out on others unintentionally, i’d feel so, SO, incredibly guilty and end up apologising to them directly right after the encounter, because

well - i’m not like my mother.

the thing is, the last two months has been nothing but hell for me. i had an epiphany early on, realising how terrifying and horrifying this family is, and how much i’ve been neglected all this while but never saw it. it broke me, quite literally, and i don’t think i’m the same anymore. i’ve been having panic attacks, a sudden surge of paranoia telling me “someone was coming to get me” when i very well knew there wasn’t, but it was scary. terrifying. and of course, my lash-outs. they’re not violent, but i lose my temper easily and my use a unnecessarily aggressive tone towards others, and it really pushed the line when it even caused me to make someone cry. i’m not proud of it. not at all. i’ve been considering therapy the last two months but i don’t even know where to start, or better yet if there’s anything wrong with me or if i’m overreacting.

please, i just need to know if whatever i’m going through is legitimate

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Dear @user858938

Thank you for reaching out to share what you have endured and are still going through. It sounds very painful and hurtful.

I can see that when you were growing up, your mother was emotionally unavailable, abusive and unstable. You barely survived and understandably did not ever feel safe. I believe you were guarded as a survival strategy, to protect yourself. This helped you withstand and get by those times.

I think what is happening now makes a lot of sense. I gather your system feels overloaded after becoming more aware of extensive neglect you experienced. You shared about symptoms you are feeling such as sudden fear, paranoia, bursts of anger; and my thoughts are that these sound like common trauma responses.

I agree it can feel like you’re breaking, but it’s likely more accurate that it is an indicator that your body is finally reacting to things it had to ignore before to survive.

I think when you feel guilty after lashing out it clearly shows you’re self-aware and that you don’t want to be like your mother. That awareness and determination you show already sets you apart from her.

Please know there is “nothing “wrong” with you. I feel your body is stuck in survival mode after many years of stress and harm.

Speaking to a school counsellor soon to unpack and process what you are going through will be a good step towards recovery. You are hurting, which is a good reason enough to see a counsellor. Your pain warrants support. You can start the chat with the counsellor by saying something along the lines of:
“I grew up with abuse and I’m having panic attacks and anger issues.”

Your pain is legitimate, and you are not overreacting. Please seek help soon, you don’t have to go through this alone any longer. Slowly, with consistency and small steps forward, you will feel more in control. You deserve better.:yellow_heart: