Y’know that feeling of dread? Like work being due or just stuff in general. I’ve been feeling that dread a lot. Even at times when I don’t have deadlines like this. I feel like I want to die just so I can stop the cycle of sad happy sad happy. Because in truth, the sad parts are starting to taint my happy parts. I struggle with sleep. Having a very bad sleep cycle which could be a contributing factor to my declining mental. But, I can’t help but feel happy thinking about death. Being curious of the afterlife and stuff. Which is scary yet so interesting. Whenever I’m falling asleep. My brain splits into two thoughts. Stay awake, tomorrow is going to suck or fall asleep it’ll end now. I keep having more and more of these sessions of sadness, it’s starting to affect my daily life. I’m a young age. Like probably younger than some people think but I’m too afraid to reveal my age right now. But whenever i’m in school, I don’t feel like talking to my classmates. They just feel so tiring to be around. They have way more energy than I ever could and I envy that. Ignoring their insults and childish remarks they fling at me but appreciating their youthness even though I’m the same age. Even in holidays I can’t will myself to do anything productive. I hate it. Hate myself that I just keep gaslighting myself into this. It’s layers of sugarcoating myself and procrastinating. I’m so aware of it yet I still can’t will myself to do something about it. Watching as these people shine while I blend into the background. This is already a lot for one post. So I’ll conclude it here.
Hi @Lant07 thank you for sharing something so personal and heavy. That takes real courage.
What you’re still describing, the dread, the exhaustion, the sadness bleeding into the happy moments, feeling like you’re just going through the motions is a lot to be carrying.
The sleep thing is real too. When your rest is broken, everything feels heavier and harder to shake off, so it makes sense that it’s feeding into the cycle you’re describing.
And the school thing, I can imagine how lonely and isolating it must have been for you being around people who feel like they’re on a completely different frequency from you can be draining in a way that’s hard to explain to others. But that doesn’t mean something is wrong with you, it just means you’re going through something they probably aren’t right now.
You don’t have to sugarcoat and gaslight yourself into things. Speak to someone about this. Reach out to a school counsellor, trusted adults or Mindline @ 1771 or Whatsapp to 6669 1771. You don’t have to go through this alone and I hope that you can be gentle with yourself during this rough period 
Given that you do have thoughts of ending your life, below are some resources you can reach out to in the meantime:
- Reach out to SOS @ 1767 or Whatsapp to their 24/7 caretext @ 9151 1767
- Head down to your nearest a&e or IMH emergency room