i feel like it’s barely two weeks since i came here? and yeah no it doesn’t really get better.
remember the guy poking fun at me for the self harm bull? well i had a nice “talk” with him about it and we resolved it. that’s like the one good thing i guess.
i don’t know it’s like a lot of pent up emotions errr we all know it’s getting rather close to exams right, stress and tensions are at an all time high since OBVIOUSLY we’re all tryna study and do our best but i can’t concentrate
as i said, my mom GENUINELY stresses me out and I physically cannot study while she’s doing her surveillance thing like holy heck that’s scary. i don’t know when she’ll flip out and like idk beat the ■■■■ outta me or smth or start hurling abuse and i genuinely don’t know which one is worse like I understand that tensions are probably high at her workplace too especially since it’s close to the end of the month so..
but anyway every day i feel demotivated, i don’t want to study but neither do i want to do anything else i just don’t want to do anything and even games i was really hyped about, i don’t find any interest in it everything feels like a damn obligation. and like every day my mom says meaner and meaner stuff i dont think i can cope with it dude like i’m a good kid, i don’t get into trouble in school, i don’t smoke i don’t vape i don’t do ANYTHING that might be mildly troubling. so why is it a big fat problem when i decide to hang out with friends right?? we’re all trying our best here. i really wish she would give me some grace but nah
i decided to take a lil 15 mins break and scroll insta, or go and eat (i’ve been binge eating like crazy these days) and i get scolded quite badly ack like. she continuously discredits the effort I put in and demeans me which obviously has negative impacts on my mental wellbeing/health because she says it so much i can’t help but take it to heart. and she does really petty stuff like getting my favourite food ESPECIALLY when i’m not at home which is like. wow. that’s little sister levels of petty. good job 5 stars !!! which is driving me INSANE. uhm yes i do believe she’s projecting all her stress from work onto me. in a way that is extremely harmful. like i don’t really wanna go into details because 1. i’m lazy and 2. i got pissed and stood up for myself just now and i’m being sentenced to 15 hours straight of studying so i wanna conserve energy. idk what to do
at this stage i don’t really feel anything for anything aside from getting really emotional to songs like sweet child o’ mine (brings me back to the good old sec 1 “emo” days which comprised solely of eminem..) because well.. i don’t have anyone to provide me with this type of familial love so.
i don’t even knokw what i’m asking for i’m just very tired and friends who i confide in don’t think i’m serious. like they only get concerned when i’m “hysterical” aka pointing them out for making my issues the butt of a joke. i do want to improve i do want to be able to put effort back into studying anymore but i can’t do it.
and furthermore my mom’s quitting her job next year apparently? like she’s saying for her physical health + they’re lowering MC while maintaining same MR if that makes sense (no it doesn’t, i’m trying to say they’re like reducing the marginal profit employees receive while the firms overall revenue remains the same) so we’re boutta become a single income household with 3 kids! woohoo! so yes that’s also realyl stressful cos now more than ever I feel the need like i KNOW how important studying is right now but i physically can’t do it with my mom around yes. lack of conducive environment iykwim. yeah. i’ve been trying to get a side gig (i did get one teaching music theory but i’m not sure if the student wants me to continue teaching) and yeah i really need to both get my grades up there for h3 maths as well as make money so i can contribute to the family. ok bye ciao ciao mua