It’s been two months since I’ve broken up with her. Still, I feel horrible. Ever since the day I left her for good was the day I felt I’ve made a horrible mistake. I’ve gained weight, I’ve been stressed, and I’ve been bawling my eyes out over this ■■■■. She’s been through many tough times, and I’ve tried to support her. Tried so hard, but not enough. She’s been through her two parents departing from her life, verbal abuse from her guardians, and now, her loved one leaving. How do I try and live with myself when I keep creating problems. I genuinely have no idea how to cope and deal with my own ■■■■■■■ self. I cry in bed every night thinking whether I should’ve just not said anything. That I should’ve just forgave and forgot. But I didn’t. And now I feel worthless. Horrible even. What the ■■■■ do I do now?
Hello @humblecherry4876. Two months of this kind of pain is exhausting, and what you’re carrying sounds really heavy. The grief of the loss itself, but also this weight of guilt about her pain on top of your own.
I want to gently push back on something though. You’re framing this entirely as something you did to her, and yourself as someone who “keeps creating problems.” But ending a relationship isn’t the same as causing harm. You made a decision that you felt you needed to make. That’s not the same as being a bad person or a worthless one. People leave relationships for real reasons, and those reasons don’t disappear just because the aftermath is painful.
A few things worth sitting with honestly is that the relationship ended for a reason. Two months out, in the thick of grief, it’s very easy for your mind to rewrite history and only remember what you’re losing, not what led you there. That’s not clarity but that’s grief talking.
The weight gain, the crying, the stress your body and mind are going through something real. That deserves actual support, not just willpower. Have you been able to talk to anyone about this, whether a friend, family member, or a counsellor? What you’re describing about the nightly crying, the feeling of worthlessness is worth taking seriously and getting some real support around, not just trying to push through alone.
You’re not a monster for leaving. You’re a person in pain who clearly has a lot of empathy. Try to extend a little of that toward yourself. Would you actually be open to the idea of receiving professional support?
I mean I’ve tried to get support. However most therapists are, expensive, and my parents don’t want me to see a psychiatrist, let alone go to therapy.
As for talking it out, yeah I’ve aired my frustrations out on people. Feel bad for that. Although I do strive to be a better person and move on, it’s still insanely hard due to the connection we had. She’s helped me through some tough times, and I have too. Having to had let her go was a big decision, and an irreversible one at that. I don’t know if I can live with myself after losing the closest person to me on my own accord.