I’ve been romantically connecting with someone for the past 5 years, and we did communicate that we are not mutually exclusive, yet somehow we were mutually exclusive, and I found myself in a situationship since. To add on, we are not based in the same country, therefore not having much opportunity to have in-person time.
Throughout the years, at different points in these 5 years, I did bring up the topic of pursuing a committed relationship, and it somehow added stress and tension for both of us. One reason being we take committed relationship seriously and therefore would consider a lot before making a decision, and the second being he finds that we are not equal in this relationship (where he feels he’s more of the adult one compared to me, more of the child-like) hence couldn’t decide to commit.
It then also made me reflect, and also question if I myself am ready for a relationship. I always had the idea of being closely intimate and connected with someone and being in this partnership with them to journey through our lives together. But I also wonder if I truly know or understand what being in a romantic relationship means and if there’s any childhood trauma or baggage that I have to work on myself to truly love myself first as the basis for any relationship.
It will be nice to hear some thoughts on this and receive an outside perspective on this situation. Apologies for the messy writing, I do hope I explained this situation as clearly as possible. Thank you for reading, I appreciate it!
Thank you for sharing your thoughts and feelings with me. It sounds like you’ve been managing a complex and emotionally charged situation over the past five years, and I appreciate your courage in opening up about it with us here.
Firstly, I want to acknowledge the depth of your reflections on the dynamics of your relationship and the challenges you’ve faced. I can see that the issue of commitment has been a source of stress and tension for both of you, and it’s commendable that you’ve been open in discussing your feelings and desires.
The fact that your partner perceives an imbalance in the relationship, with him feeling more like the “adult” and you the “child-like,” adds another layer of complexity indeed. Your view about your readiness for a relationship and the potential impact of childhood experiences on your perceptions is a thoughtful and important aspect to explore. Understanding oneself is an important foundation for any relationship, and I commend your willingness to look into these questions.
I can also see that your desire for a committed relationship is rooted in a deep longing for intimacy and connection. It may be helpful to continue these reflections and perhaps explore them further with a therapist or counselor who can provide a supportive and non-judgmental space for self-discovery. Perhaps for a start, you could reflect on these questions:
What specific aspects of a committed relationship are most important to you, and how do those align with your partner’s values and expectations?
When thinking about the “imbalance” in your relationship dynamics, what specific behaviors or actions contribute to these roles (i.e. adult and child)?
Do you think you might have a open communication and understanding help address or reshape these dynamics?
Remember, these matters are complex, and there’s no one-size-fits-all solution. Taking the time to understand yourself, your needs, and your boundaries is a valuable investment in your well-being. If you have any specific questions or if there’s a particular aspect you’d like to discuss further, please feel free to share. I’m here to support you on your journey