Currently, I am in a situationship for slightly over a month. We have been acting like couples do but we have yet to put on a label to our relationship. I feel that what’s stopping me is that I am still unsure/have doubts about proceeding with him. First of all, my closest friends who have yet to meet him doesn’t really like him and they think that I deserve better. Their opinions matter a lot to me because they are my friends for half of my life. Secondly, I believe that right now we are in the honeymoon period whereby everything is smooth and we are very comfortable with each other. I am just worried and unsure if this will continue on and whether we are truly compatible. We don’t have much interests in common as well. To give you more context, I met him in exchange 2 months back where we spent almost everyday together. My friends told me that it could be the feeling of attachment and that is not genuine attraction. Hence, so far I am not 100% certain of my feelings for him if it is genuine love. For him, I am quite certain that he is attracted to me physically but I am unsure if he is attracted to me emotionally. I feel that emotional attraction is very important to sustain the relationship because I will grow old eventually and I will turn old and wrinkly you know. Although I said that I am uncertain about my feelings, I am showing him a lot of affection and I absolutely adore him like taking good care of him and pampering him. I am just doubting myself right now because I show him a lot of love yet I am unsure of my feelings so am I lovebombing him. Also, he mentioned to be that he is not great or dont know how to show his affection or love to people so sometimes it makes me insecure like he says that he is certain about me and truly loves me but yet I can love and show him love in a lot of ways that he can receive (for someone like myself who isnt sure yet). I am confused. Maybe I shouldn’t compare love in this way, I dont know. He also didnt mention to me what are his vision or plans for our future together. I did mention to him about how I feel and I hope he can communicate to me about his thoughts which he agreed but so far didnt. He said that he did think about those topics but he is just shy and don’t open up easily to engage in this kind of topics. At the same time, I feel like I am carrying this relationship like deciding where to eat, steering the relationship, which sometimes I feel tired but I shrug it aside because I love (can be as friends or more, still unsure) and care for him. I understand all of these, but right now when we are still in a situationship/exploration stage, it makes me wonder does it mean that we are not compatible? Personally, I have issues setting boundaries and have personal baggage from previous relationship so I dont know if it’s a me issue or the relationship issue.
Thanks for reading if you managed to read finish haha
Hi anonymous393
Thank you for your courage and openness to share what you are currently experiencing. I believe that your feelings of doubts and uncertainties in a new relationship are normal and fully understandable. I commend your presence of mind in taking your time to pause, reflect and acknowledge your feelings.
Some key points to consider which I believe would be helpful are:
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Friends’ opinions: While their input is valuable, remember that ultimately, it’s your decision. However, I encourage you to ask them for specific reasons so that you can objectively assess your views. They may point out blind spots and that could help you obtain a new perspective.
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Interests and compatibility: Shared interests are important, but not the only factor. Emotional connection, values, and communication are crucial.
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Lovebombing: Reflect on your actions and ensure you’re not overwhelming him with affection due to your own uncertainty.
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Communication: Address your concerns and feelings with him openly. Encourage him to share his thoughts and plans. Start small, and do it step by step.
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Boundary issues and personal baggage: Recognize these as your own challenges and work on setting healthy boundaries.
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Compatibility: Consider whether your differences and similarities create a harmonious balance.
Remember, relationships involve growth, compromise, and understanding. Take your time, prioritize open communication, and focus on building a connection based on mutual respect and trust.
Hi there,
Thank you for sharing what you’re going through—it’s not easy to open up about these things, and your feelings are completely valid. What you’re experiencing is very normal, and I’ve felt a lot of uncertainty in similar situations too. Relationships can be a mix of excitement and anxiety, and it’s okay to feel both.
It’s clear that you care deeply about your relationship, and it’s great that you’re being thoughtful about what you need and want. It’s okay to take your time and not have all the answers right away. Sometimes, just letting things unfold at their own pace can help you figure out what feels right for you.
It’s also okay to feel unsure—relationships are complex, and it’s normal to have doubts. Keep talking things through with your friends and with him when you feel ready. You don’t have to rush anything. Taking it slow is perfectly fine, and it might give you the space you need to understand your feelings better.
Be gentle with yourself as you navigate this. You’re doing your best, and that’s something to be proud of. Trust yourself—you know what’s best for you.
Take care,
Tommy
Thanks @CaringBee @Tommyhorse for your advice and comforting words, I really appreciate them. I have given some time to think and evaluate this situation (although with a different username, I am the author of this thread).
Regarding the friends issue, I kind of stopped telling them about him unless they ask me about it. I would always say so far so good because honestly I have my worries, but I generally felt okay and not anxious or any other bad feelings. I did ask them about why they dislike him and they shared that whatever I have said are red flags about him and that I deserve better. Also, every time I share about him, I share about his actions that troubled me. Hence, that bad impression. So now, to balance things off, I start telling them good things about him and trying to take time to change their opinion about him.
Regarding our interests, compatibility, communication, personal boundary issues etc, I feel like I’m not able to form a deeper connection with him. I actually had a mini outburst one day 1/2 weeks back and shared with him that I feel slightly insecure because he is not really communicating with me. I told him that I feel neglected because he is usually on his phone when we go out and he don’t share with me how he feels about us, etc. Then, he shared that he is not the kind of person to share things, he is more of asking questions and let the other person speak. Ok I understand this and if it’s part of him, I will accept him for who he is. Fast forward to today, he is better now in terms of lesser usage of his phone when he hangs out with me which I appreciate (and this reminds me that maybe I should thank him for doing so for me soon). Anyway, a part of me is kind of tired that he always avoid serious talks or have weekly check ins on our relationship. I just want to know how he wants to be loved and let him ask me how I want to be loved and what are my needs. I asked him today and he just told me ‘i think it’s good enough’ and he didnt ask me about it. The convo just died there, rest in peaceddddd. Also, I just want to add on that yesterday we met a mutual and that mutual asked him if we are officially together already. He said soon. I don’t even know how to break the news that if we can’t fix this issue or form a deeper connection, we can’t be official you know. How can I let him know this when he never ask?
Look, I feel like I am constantly the bad person trying to pick a fight and is never satisfied. I don’t know if it’s a me issue or what but I just want to know if it’s common for guys to not share/communicate as much. Am I too much? I feel like right now it feels okay but it might snowball to something bad overtime. I’m also thinking if there is a test for me regarding ‘anxious type attachment style’ and ‘avoidant attachment style’. It’s just a hypothesis for now that maybe it could be that but I dont know much about it so please feel free to advice and send resources my way.
Thanks so much for reading and I wish myself all the best to tackle this situation smoothly, namaste TT
Also, I would like to add that I feel a bit disheartened/lowkey done so I prioritise myself more than him like I want to do this activity, if he wants to join he can join, if not I will do this myself. While I think it’s good to prioritise my needs and be selfish at times, I am just scared that I will neglect his feelings at times especially when he don’t communicate well. I also start to question, what is the point of relationships and getting attached - might as well be single. Feel free to share your thoughts on how a relationship should add on to your life, thanks