How long will grieve last

Ask a Therapist Is This Normal?
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Its almost 2 years. Technically 1 year and 10 months since my grandmother passed away. She is an important person in my life. However my life was never the same ever since she left my world.

I still have flashbacks of her last moment, her heartbeat stopping. I was by her side until her very last breath. I saw the ECG line turns flat one moment and before the doctor declared her death time, her heart beat once again. It went on like this for 1 hour. Each time I had a flashback of this scene, my chest felt tight, I can’t help but feel like breaking down. On good days, I can control my emotions and move on but there are days I had to use self inflicted hurt just to ease the pain. There are days whereby I wished I could have died together with her. She was my whole life and my whole life was spent caring for her, watching out for her. Now that she is gone, my purpose in life is no longer there.

The only thing that kept me going is working to preoccupied myself. I am working everyday, and working more than 55 hours a week. I had no social life or a life that I can called of my own. I have been in this state for the past 1 year plus, forcing myself to just keep working. Even so, my salary is still peanuts.

I wonder if my life will forever be like this. Before all these, I was diagnosed with depression and mild social anxiety. Now I just feel like I am an empty shell.

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Dear @Epiphany

Thank you for writing in. I’m sad to hear about the loss of your deeply loved grandmother. It sounds like your grandmother was such an important part of your life, and losing her has left a deep and painful void. The way you describe your grief—how vivid the flashbacks are, how heavy the weight of her absence feels—makes so much sense. Grief is not just something we “get over”; it stays with us, and when the person we’ve lost was our whole world, figuring out how to live without them can feel impossible.

I hear that you’ve been trying to cope the best way you can—keeping yourself busy, working long hours, and just pushing forward. But I also hear that the pain is still overwhelming, and that some days, it’s unbearable. I want you to know that your grief is valid, your pain is real, and you are not alone in this. Losing someone we love so deeply can shake our entire sense of self, especially when they were the reason we got up every day. But even though it may not feel like it now, you still have worth beyond the role you played in her life. You are more than your grief, and you deserve a life that feels like yours again.

I know it might not be easy, but maybe taking small steps toward healing could help—steps that don’t require you to be “okay” but just to be kind to yourself. Here are a few things that might help:

  1. Finding a way to honour her memory – Instead of trying to push the pain away, maybe there’s a way to keep her presence in your life in a meaningful way. Writing letters to her, keeping a memory journal, or even volunteering in a way that reflects her values might help you feel connected to her in a way that isn’t just tied to loss.

  2. Talking to someone who can support you – Whether it’s a therapist or even just a trusted friend, having a space to talk about your pain without feeling like you need to hide it could help lighten the weight you’re carrying. You don’t have to go through this alone.

  3. Easing back into your own life – Right now, work is your coping mechanism, and that’s understandable. But maybe—little by little—you could find small ways to reconnect with yourself outside of just surviving. Even something as simple as a walk, a hobby, or spending time in a space where you feel safe could help.

  4. Being kind to yourself in your grief – There’s no right or wrong way to grieve, and healing doesn’t mean forgetting. It’s okay to have days when you struggle. But if self-harm has become a way of coping, I hope you can reach out to someone who can help you find safer ways to ease that pain. You deserve support and care, just like you gave your grandmother.

I know right now it feels like this is all there is, but your life is still yours to shape. The love you had for your grandmother doesn’t disappear with her—it stays with you, in the way you continue living. You are not just an empty shell. You are someone who has loved deeply, who has endured so much, and who still has a future that isn’t just about surviving. Even if you don’t see that future yet, I hope you hold on long enough to give yourself the chance to. You are not alone, and you are not forgotten. :yellow_heart:

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im so sorry for your loss :cry: you sound like youre really having a hard time ever since she passed…
from what ive heard, everyone’s grieving process could be vastly different, and how long it lasts also varies greatly… it sounds like you’ve been distracting yourself with work and that hasnt been great up till this point. i rmb someone telling me how grief is love that has nowhere to go, and i feel that is so real in your story shared, that you love your grandmother so much yet there is nowhere this love is going now but stay deep within you and its bringing you suffering…
can you think of any ways to put your love for your grandmother somewhere? maybe doing something your grandmother loves, maybe having remembrance session with someone to allow yourself to share that love you have for her?
your grandmother must have been a great woman, to be loved so deeply by someone even after she passed on. hope the days get lighter for you in time to come, and that you carry her greatness and love forward too.

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The hardest part is memories of her. Relieving the good memories pains me so much knowing that I can never experience such warmth anymore. Remembering her only makes the pain more unbearable.

Her last few months hasn’t been easy for both of us. I was having caregiver burnout and there was a point, I wished she would just die.

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i hear you :cry: maybe it sounds cliche, but do you believe that your grandmother’s love and warmth still exists, within you?

i’m sorry to hear that :cry: it mustve been really difficult for you back then :((( How does that thought back then affects you now?

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Just that there are times whereby I wished I could be with her in the afterlife because life here is meaningless now that she is gone. I practically spent my whole childhood and youth caring for her. Other days, I pretend that she is still alive and will come back to me physically once she is “well”.

Mostly, I just worked my life away to distract myself from thinking about her. It’s to a point whereby I am working just to keep myself alive and living. I don’t know. It just feels like this grieving phase will never end. So I just thought, if this is normal - to feel like this even after nearly two years. Honesty, I have stopped socialising since then. I have not met a friend ever since the last day of the cremation. I only kept working and working and working. People thinks I am insane for working more than 50 hours a week every month for the last year. I even volunteered to work on Public Holidays at every moment I can find.

I just wanted to get assurance that all these are normal and that the feeling of emptiness will eventually fades off. I don’t feel up for anything other than work and work alone. I don’t know if I will ever go back to how things used to be and a part of me is worried that it will stay like this forever

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Dear @Epiphany

I hear you. Losing someone who was such a central part of your life, especially someone you dedicated so much love and care to, leaves a void that feels impossible to fill. It makes so much sense that your world feels different now—that without her, life seems empty and directionless. Grief isn’t something that just fades away with time; it stays with us, shaping us in ways we never expected.

It’s understandable that you’ve thrown yourself into work as a way to cope. When the pain is too much, distraction can feel like the only way to keep going. And if work is what has kept you afloat, then of course you’d cling to it. But I also hear that underneath all of it, you’re wondering if this is how things will always be. If this emptiness will ever lift. If you’ll ever feel like yourself again.

The truth is, grief doesn’t have a set timeline. There’s no “normal” way to grieve, but what you’re feeling—this deep sense of loss, the loneliness, the disconnection from the world—is something many people experience, especially when the person they lost was their whole world. And while it may not feel like it now, it won’t always be this heavy. The pain won’t disappear, but over time, it will change. It won’t consume you in the same way forever.

Right now, it sounds like you’ve been carrying all of this alone. I wonder if, just for a moment, you could allow yourself even the smallest space to reconnect—with a friend, with a moment of rest, with something that isn’t just survival. Not because you have to, but because you are still here, and you still matter.

You don’t have to force yourself to be “okay” before you’re ready. But you also don’t have to go through this alone. Maybe talking to someone such as a grief counsellor, could help ease some of what you’ve been holding inside. Maybe reaching out to just one person could remind you that you still exist beyond your grief.

You are not alone in this. You won’t feel like this forever. And even though it’s hard to believe right now, there is still life for you beyond the pain. We are hear to journey with you so please continue to reach out.

:yellow_heart:

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I wished I wasn’t even here at all.

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it is definitely normal to feel this way after losing someone so close to you… it may not feel like it will get better at this point in time, but it wont always be like this, it will fade and change and come back sometimes and go away sometimes too. as long as you love your grandmother, this grief will be present, and we learn how to live with it best we can. baby steps, bit by bit :people_hugging:

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@Epiphany, I am so sorry to hear about the loss of your grandmother and the difficult time you’ve been going through. It’s completely understandable that her passing has left a profound impact on your life, especially since she was such an important part of it. The flashbacks and intense emotions you’re experiencing show just how deep your love and connection to her were. It’s normal to feel a range of emotions when dealing with grief, and it sounds like you’re facing a very challenging journey. The pain you’re feeling is real, and you deserve support and understanding as you navigate this difficult period.

It’s clear that you’re doing your best to cope, even if it means working long hours to keep yourself occupied. However, it’s important to take care of your own well-being and mental health. It’s never easy to find a new sense of purpose after such a significant loss, but remember that you don’t have to go through this alone. Seeking support from a therapist or counselor can provide you with the tools and space to process your emotions in a healthy way. Your grandmother’s memory will always be a part of you, and finding ways to honor her while also taking care of yourself is a way to move forward. Please be kind to yourself and know that it’s okay to ask for help when you need it.

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