how to cope with an avoidant attachment style

i have difficulty expressing my feelings but also have an outburst when it comes to anger. sometimes, i don’t even know why am i feeling a certain why. but it is not severe to the extend that i have to go see a therapist.

i LOVE being alone and i don’t like to deal with human beings. but i can’t steer away from humans because i have to work with people in group projects. how to i better manage interpersonal relationships, either in school or workforce or even family settings? and also, how do i better communicate my own feelings?

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Hi @justheretotry

This must not have been an easy thing to share, so thank you for finding the courage to share what you’re currently going through! I hear you when you say you find it hard to express how you feel and dealing with others especially since you prefer to be by yourself.

First off, I wanna share that emotions probably contain some sort of a message. For example:

  • Sadness signals loss of something valuable or disappointment towards yourself/others
  • Anger signals an unfair treatment/boundaries being crossed
  • Scared signals a present threat that needs escaping from

This might help you see why you feel a certain way - especially if it happens repeatedly, kinda like in a pattern (like towards a particular person/place/event)

Second, as you correctly mention, feelings gotta be communicated in a way that is helpful and at an intensity that is appropriate. For me:

  • Sadness can be expressed through crying/talking to someone I trust
  • Anger can be expressed rationally instead of being acted upon immediately; so I might get outside/go for a run to cool off first
  • Scared can be expressed safely by being mindful of the fear and engaging someone I trust

This can also help you manage relationships cause by being clear with what you think and how you feel, you’re able to get what you need through your actions (match to their style in terms of how much you wanna share, how well they know you, etc.)

  1. Know what you want
  2. Say what you want clearly
  3. Others clearly know what you want

It’s not about suddenly being OK with everyone but being OK with the people you want to be OK with (those that matter to you). Now, I’m gonna circle back to your question on avoidant attachment style, I’m curious to know more about the part(s) that resonate with you the most. I’m also heartened that it sounds like you wanna work on it. Perhaps this info on avoidant attachment style matches (although not necessarily needing to be 100%) your growing up experience and they way you view how people tend to speak to/respond to/treat you. What’s helpful here is that learning more about this particular style would give you insight into what might help you – in this case, engaging with people more but being AWARE of the fact that it will be scary/potentially unpleasant AND knowing that something can be done to make it LESS scary/unpleasant!

So how to make it less uncomfortable? Well, it starts with being kind to yourself as you notice your reactions when you need to approach people, notice when you act out/withdraw when you start to feel scared/pushed away, notice and pay attention to those that really want to interact/support you as that helps build on you feeling OK to connect to others. Do give this a try and let us know how else we can continue to support you! Take care! :slightly_smiling_face:


Hello @justheretotry ! I like what @BKT says about being OK with the people you wanna be OK with !

Sometimes when we are interacting with the people we are comfortable with or holding on to negative emotions for too long it might be difficult to filter our emotions and lead to us unloading the full brunt of our raw emotions which might end up hurting them.

Some tips I learned when these situations happen are:

  1. When we realise that we are feeling angry/sad take a moment pause, go to a safe space and breathe recognise what you are feeling. (Take as long as you need ) :slight_smile:

  2. Recognise that you are not upset at the person but the situation it self. Try to use words that describe how you feel for example, ‘I feel this way because I need some space now/want some alone time, hope you can understand.’ The key is to talk about how you are feeling and how the situation is making you feel.

Does this help ? Perhaps what are some examples which trigger those negative emotions ?

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