How to handle the fact that im actually born incompetent?

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I’m a local uni fresh graduate, currently working in my first full-time job at an SME for about a year now — time really flies. I’m still struggling quite a bit, with bad anxiety and the “Sunday scaries,” though I’m coping a little better these days.

Initially, I thought my struggles were due to a job fit issue. I felt that I didn’t like my workload, and the work itself was quite challenging — it requires a strong command of English, but I’ve always been more of a math/science person since young.

Because of the stress at work, which I haven’t been able to cope with fully, I’ve been seeing a therapist for close to a year. I’ve changed therapists three times because I felt like it wasn’t helping much. While I’ve made some progress, I still can’t help but feel useless in my role — always needing help and depending on my senior for advice. For those who can relate, it really sucks to feel like a burden on the team, especially when you’re trying your best. I always try to find answers on my own before asking, but because of my lack of confidence, I often end up doubting myself and not trusting my own judgment.

My therapists and a few friends have recommended that I change jobs for the sake of my mental health. I did start looking around, but after reflecting, I realised it may not just be a job fit issue. It might be more about me — feeling incompetent. I feel that that no matter what job I move to, I’ll still face the same struggles which is the main reason why i am still in my current job. After talking to my therapist for awhile, I also realised this anxiety thing isn’t something that just pop out when i started work, but something I’ve struggled with since I was young.

For example, back in school, I knew i always had to put in 10 times more effort compared to my friends, who seemed to achieve the same results with much less effort. It felt unfair, and I hated feeling so incompetent but i know that’s what i need to do to achieve like them. On top of that, I realised I’m also not good at many other things people seem to do easily, like sports. (or even simple thing like blowing a balloon/cooking). Sometimes I avoid participating these events so people won’t think I’m a loser.

All in all, I believe I’m just not competent and can’t do work as well as others. Also, My lack of confidence affects my ability to perform, because I overthink every task and stress myself out — trying to perfect everything just to prove I’m capable. I spend so much time ensuring quality, but I know others can do the same work faster and better.

Since young, I’ve believed that I’m simply not as capable as other people. I really admire those who do things well, and it hurts to feel like I’ll never reach that level.

To be honest, I don’t know how to deal with all this. It also doesn’t help that my therapist left recently to try something new, so now I need to find yet another therapist.

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Hey @user1709. Thank you for being so open about this. It sounds like you’ve been carrying the weight of feeling “not good enough” for a long time, and I can hear how exhausting that must be, especially when it feels like no matter how hard you try, the doubts still follow you.

I want to gently remind you of that feeling incompetent does not mean you are incompetent. Your feelings are real and valid, but they don’t define who you are or your abilities or your potential. The fact that you’ve graduated from uni, held a full-time job for a year, and are actively seeking support through therapy shows resilience and strength. It matters, and it’s something to be proud of. That already proves you are capable.

It’s also worth recognizing the progress you have made. You are a local uni fresh graduate and that itself proves you’ve navigated daunting transitions before. Think back to when you first entered uni from tertiary education (either JC/Poly): it felt unfamiliar, scary, and maybe even impossible at times, but you kept going, and you grew through it and you graduated. That shows you can handle big unknowns, even when they feel overwhelming. This stage of life is no different, you’re still building that momentum.

Building confidence and competence is really a lot like building muscle/stamina. No one starts out lifting heavy weights/run a full marathon perfectly on the first try. The people you admire who seem confident and skilled have had their own awkward, clumsy, messy, doubtful beginnings too. Each time you face a task, ask questions, or push through anxiety, you’re strengthening that muscle bit by bit. It takes repetition, practice, and time, not instant perfection. Progress, no matter how small, is still progress.

From what you’ve shared, you care deeply about doing good work. That’s beautiful and shows your diligence. Please be gentle with yourself, okay? You’re a fresh graduate working in your first full-time role and that in itself is a huge step and something to be proud of. Really. The fact that you’re reflecting, seeking therapy, and reaching out shows your determination to grow and not give up on yourself.

Sending you strength as you continue figuring things out one moment at a time :sunflower:

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Dear @user1709

Thank you reaching out, writing in and sharing what you are going through. By you writing out your experiences is a commendable first step to address and deal with these.

I can see you’ve been struggling with these beliefs, thoughts and feelings for a long time. Especially the belief that you’re “not as capable as others” for years. But capability is not a single measure. You’ve proven resilience, reflection, and persistence, qualities many people lack. I believe the fact that you’ve lasted a year in a challenging role, while facing anxiety and self-doubt daily, is in itself a sign of competence.

It is understandable to have feelings of self doubt, belief and thoughts that you are not good enough. Comparing ourselves with others is common and it’s only human. May I suggest these approaches which I believe may help shift the way you relate to work and yourself:

-Progress over perfection: Instead of asking, “Did I do this perfectly?”, try, “Did I move this task forward?” Small completions build confidence. Adopt a growth mindset.

-Reframe seeking help: Needing your senior’s advice doesn’t mean incompetence. It’s actually how people learn. I have seen that even those who look confident are often checking with others.

-Document wins: Keep a simple record of things you did well (even tiny ones). On anxious days, it can counterbalance the “I’m useless” narrative.

-Challenge the “effort = weakness” belief: Putting in more effort doesn’t mean you’re less capable. It might mean you process things differently, and that’s okay. Many successful people (including those with anxiety or learning differences) thrive because of, not despite, their persistence.

I csn see it’s also challenging and discouraging with your therapist leaving. When looking for a new one, you might want to select a therapist who has experience in anxiety, perfectionism and imposter syndrome.

Please do stay positive and remind yourself how far you have progressed. There is certainly a lot of potential in you so start taking small steps daily to reflect, write out what you overcame and achieved that day. Step by step you can build a more accurate view of yourself. Keep reaching out here too for support, you are not alone. :yellow_heart:

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Hello @user1709 thank you for sharing this. I can really hear how much you’ve been carrying not just recently at work, but for a long time, even going back to school. That deep feeling of having to work so much harder just to keep up, and still feeling like it’s not enough… that’s heavy. And exhausting. You’ve been trying really hard, and it shows.

It also makes so much sense why you’d doubt whether changing jobs would help, especially when the anxiety feels like it’s always been there, no matter the environment. That doesn’t make you incompetent. It means you’ve been living with anxiety for a long time, and it’s shaped how you see yourself. That inner voice that keeps telling you you’re not good enough? It’s lying. But it’s been around so long, it’s hard to unlearn.

Needing help at work doesn’t make you a burden. Most people, especially early in their careers, lean on others, that’s part of learning. The difference is, your anxiety adds an extra layer of self-judgment on top of what’s actually very normal.

And it’s completely okay that therapy hasn’t felt like a perfect fit yet. Finding the right therapist can take time, and it is unhelpful that your most recent one just left, especially when you were starting to unpack some of the deeper roots of all this. But the fact that you’re still trying, still self-reflecting, still showing up for yourself that really says something about your strength.

You are not a failure. You’re a human being who’s been pushing through long-term anxiety and self-doubt, and still doing your best in a demanding job.

It’s okay to need help. And it’s okay to take your time figuring things out. Please be gentle with yourself, you deserve that kindness just as much as anyone else.

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Hi @user1709 :slight_smile: Echoing what the rest have mentioned above, I also want to say that what you’re experiencing is really valid. Feeling the anxiety, doubt, and actually needing support doesn’t make you incompetent; it makes you human, and it’s very normal.

One thing I would like to add is that sometimes we forget how much courage it takes just to show up everyday despite the anxiety. You’re doing so many things at once despite how you are feeling and these are all signs of resilience, not weakness. Progress isn’t always visible immediately, and it’s not linear, but each small step you take is proof that you can in fact handle challenges, even if it doesn’t always feel that way :’)

It’s always easier for us to think about all the bad points of ourselves than the good ones but try to give yourself more credit for even the smallest wins! It might help you to slowly build trust in your own abilities and see that you are capable. You have already shown a lot of strength just by reflecting on all this and seeking support. Give yourself more grace :heart: