My boyfriend and I are both in a relationship for the first time. Personally I find that he is really dense and clueless for a lot of things. For example making insensitive comments like fat jokes, conveying messages to people without rephrasing it to sound nicer, things like that.
my friends always tell me, if u don’t tell him what u want, he wouldnt know. If he really wanted to, he will do it once u asked him. And if he don’t , no matter how you fight for it, he also won’t do it. I know nobody is perfect, but like other girls, i like when he do things without me asking.
I know its not a big deal, but he used to refused to post me on social media because he scared we break up and people keep asking him questions. But when i see his IG highlights and i see girls (in a group settings with other guys too) i get jealous.
How come he can post about them but not me? Is it because Im fat and ugly? Plus all the insensitive comments really make me feel even more insecure.
On top of that he liked girls photos, especially those in bikinis. He unliked and unfollow when i told him to, but i hate that i have to tell him to do it.
He agrees to post me now, but i hate that i have to ask.
I think maybe im asking for too much or maybe social media permanently damaged my brain and the way i view relationship.
Is it so wrong to want things without asking?
Is it pathetic of me to only get it after i ask?
Is it “bad” to have to “teach” my boyfriend what to do?
Hi @user1304
Thank you for reaching out very courageously to face and address the concerns before you. I believe it’s normal to want your partner to be considerate and thoughtful without having to ask.
Firstly, let’s address the issue of insensitive comments. Fat jokes and body shaming are never acceptable, and it’s essential to communicate your feelings and boundaries clearly. Make sure your boyfriend understands why his comments are hurtful and that you won’t tolerate them.
Regarding social media, it’s reasonable to feel jealous or insecure when you see your boyfriend interacting with other girls, especially if he’s hesitant to post about you. However, try not to internalise this as a reflection of your worth or appearance.
Now, about wanting things without asking: it’s not wrong to desire thoughtful gestures from your partner! In fact, it’s a natural aspect of any relationship. However, it’s also important to communicate your needs and expectations clearly.
As for “teaching” your boyfriend what to do, it’s not about being “bad” or controlling. Relationships involve growth, learning, and adaptation. If you feel like you’re constantly having to ask or remind your boyfriend to be considerate, it may be worth exploring why he’s not picking up on these cues.
Consider having an open and honest conversation with your boyfriend about your feelings, needs, and expectations. Use “I” statements to express your emotions and avoid blaming or accusing language.
Some potential conversation starters:
- “Hey, I feel hurt when you make jokes about my weight. Can we find other ways to have fun together?”
- “I’ve noticed you’re hesitant to post about us on social media. I’m curious what your concerns are.”
- “I appreciate it when you do thoughtful gestures for me without me asking. Can we find ways to make that happen more often?”
Remember, effective communication and mutual understanding are key to building a strong and healthy relationship. You deserve a relationship where there is mutual respect, always!