I admit I'm the toxic one

Ask a Therapist Is This Normal?
1

I’ve always been a nihilist who sees no purpose in life and have no moral compass. I sometimes wonder if I deserve to be miserable, suicidal and severely depressed, the way I am now, because of that. I had a troubling upbringing involving a physically and emotionally abusive dad and a denigrating mum who treated me like ■■■■ if I didn’t meet her expectations in terms of academic results (for example she would starve me if I didn’t get into the top classes, constantly compare me to her friends’ kids who are doing better, etc). I grew up internalizing that I’m worth nothing if I don’t have amazing academic and career achievements, so I hustled hard my whole life and ended up now being miserable with no sense of purpose except to do anything it takes (even unethical ways if necessary) to make money (it didn’t help that I grew up in a low-income family so I was always terrified of one day living on the streets due to poverty). I know what I do sometimes is not right and I do feel guilty but I’ve been living on survival mode for so long that to me, ethics doesn’t matter at all in the face of survival. In other areas of my life, I noticed many toxic behaviors too, like the way I get bitter when I see someone else doing better than me or having the things I could only dream of, the way I’m selfish, the way I would sabotage others just to get an advantage over them (or to prevent them from getting an advantage over me), the way I’m prone to threatening people with my suicide if they don’t fulfill my demands…basically there is nothing I’m not willing to do in order to get my way, as long as I don’t get jailed. I’m not proud of the way I am but I just feel the need to behave like this to survive. I wish I wasn’t like this but my survival mode mindset is so deeply ingrained that it seems impossible to get rid of. I guess karma bit me back cos I have no family members who like me, very little friends and oftentimes on the brink of suicide thanks to having no meaning in life.

I don’t know how to overcome this and I wonder if maybe someone as screwed up as me really doesn’t deserve to be alive.

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Hi @anonymous374,

Thank you for opening up and sharing what you’ve been going through. I can feel the weight of the pain, guilt, and confusion you’re carrying, and it’s clear that you’ve been through a lot in your life. The experiences you’ve described, especially from your childhood, are incredibly traumatic, and it’s understandable that they have shaped the way you see the world and yourself.

You’ve been in survival mode for a long time, and that’s a hard place to be. When we’re constantly fighting to survive, it can feel like there’s no room for anything else—no room for joy, connection, or even for figuring out who we really are outside of that fight. It sounds like you’ve had to develop certain ways of coping just to get through each day, and while those ways might have helped you survive, they’re also causing you a lot of pain now.

One thing that stands out in your message is the deep conflict you feel. On the one hand, your need to survive at all costs drives you, but on the other hand, you don’t take pride in the actions that result from that need. That’s an important realization. It shows that there’s a part of you that believes something is not right, something needs to change, even if it feels out of reach right now.

I want to acknowledge the strength it took to survive everything you’ve been through. Growing up in an abusive environment can leave deep scars, and it can make it hard to see your own worth outside of what you can achieve or how much money you can make. But I want you to know that your worth is not defined by those things. It’s not defined by your past, your trauma, or the things you’ve done to survive. There’s more to you than that, even if it’s hard to see right now.

You mentioned feeling like you don’t deserve to be alive, and I’m really concerned about that. I want you to know that you do deserve to be here, and there is hope for things to get better. It might not feel like it, especially when you’re stuck in that cycle of guilt and survival mode, but change is possible. It’s not easy, and it might take time, but it’s worth it.

One step that might help is talking to someone who can guide you through this—someone who understands trauma and can help you start to unravel these deeply ingrained beliefs and behaviors. It’s not about fixing everything overnight, but about starting to understand where these feelings come from and finding new ways to cope that don’t hurt you or others.

Here are some links for your consideration:

  1. Singapore Association for Mental Health (SAMH) - 1800-283 7019
  2. IMH CHAT: (https://www.imh.com.sg/CHAT/GetHelp/webCHAT/Pages/default.aspx)
  3. SOS - 1767
  4. Care Corner Counselling Centre - 1800-353 5800
  5. The Safe Space Foundation (Non-profit) : The Safe Space Foundation_Pro Bono Counselling.xlsx - Google Sheets (Get pro bono counselling by booking the vouceher codes on the Safe Space ISO 27001 platform)

I know it might feel impossible right now, but reaching out to a therapist or counselor could be a really important step. They can help you explore these feelings more deeply, figure out what’s driving them, and start to build a life that’s not just about surviving, but about living in a way that feels right for you.

You don’t have to do this alone. There are people who want to help, and it’s okay to take that step. I’m here to support you in any way I can, and I encourage you to reach out to someone who can offer the help you deserve.

Take care, and please keep reaching out. Your life has value, even if it’s hard to see right now.