i feel tired nearly all the time. it doesn’t matter how many hours i did or did not sleep, i’ll probably want to take a nap later (though i don’t always fall asleep because i’m thinking abt things). i barely ever wish to get out of bed, i look forward to sleeping and dread waking up. i just wake up and wish i didn’t have to, and i question what the point of everything is because i don’t want to do anything, not because i actually care about the answer. sometimes i also sit there and think that nothing could make me feel better because life is like a rollercoaster where i might feel happy about something for a short while, then everything crashes back into the abyss of questioning myself over what i do, forcing myself to do things i should do (like wake up), and feeling low. it makes me feel worse because i know my life isn’t bad and i have a lot more good things than i deserve.
i often wonder if i’m just pitying myself or intentionally making myself feel bad, but sometimes it is so bad i feel like i can’t speak loudly, or i suddenly get so tired that it becomes noticeable. and in those moments or days my mind isn’t present much and my memory gets affected. the memory part bothers me quite a lot i’ve noticed it more than once.
somewhat often i also get tension headaches especially in the evening/night when i have been occupied for most of the day, if it’s really bad i’ll feel like my head is going to split but it goes away after i sleep at night.
sometimes i’m so busy i have no time to do anything for myself, and when i finally have time for myself, i don’t even know what to do with it sometimes so i end up scrolling or watching videos then feel bad about wasting my time or something.
i generally dislike exercise but i want to try to do it more though i often forget or am too busy.
i have been seeing a counsellor and talked about some of these problems but idk. for context i am a Christian and i feel like i know the politically correct answers to why life has meaning and purpose. sometimes i feel so ready and somewhat alright, and other times i just feel like nothing can really get me out of this. most times i feel like people don’t know how much i struggle because i’m too scared to stay in bed and not do anything so i just keep forcing myself to show up. and it’s probably a good thing, but i haven’t been diagnosed with or referred to be diagnosed with anything. it’s good that i don’t have anything in my records, it just makes me feel like what i go through isn’t as bad as others (which is objectively true), but then i don’t even know what my problems are, so it just seems like i am somewhat problematic and these should go away eventually. but it has been more than a year of feeling so terrible, it was not great before but maybe it wasn’t this bad. i don’t know, i don’t really remember.
