hey um; i had a pretty nasty breakup last year because of which i had to go see the school counsellor. I was experiencing panic attacks and was feeling very nauseous every single day because not only did the person break up with me but also did it at a really bad period of time in my life when i was suffering emotionally and i reached out to that person asking me for support after which they said they wanted a break.
we are in the same cca so we see each other weekly now and other than that we pretty much avoid one another, no eye contact and stuff and that made me feel much better. My forced vulnerability made me reach out to new people who became my new support structure. I started to organise my ruminating thoughts and exercise daily, calm myself and use ‘instead’ thoughts. I was doing great.
i went through the 7 stages of grief and then i finally felt acceptance. In the meanwhile, they would use the gifts that i gave them regularly (it is a bag) despite having alternatives at places I would be. They used to stand in my periphery and move closer to me to like ‘accidentally’ brush against one another and i was very confused and i walked away. The person started to take routes and change travel times to ‘accidentally’ bump into one another too. i first felt sad then i felt mad until i realised that they have an avoidant attachment style of sorts and this is how they ‘reached out’. So i had reached out to them just before school ended to let them know that i did not really blame them for not helping me because school is difficult and stressful for them too; but then they said something very clumsily which implied i was a burden to them which really really hurt me.
i was shocked (but on hindsight should not have been) the person and i pretty much had one gripe which created a cycle (Before the break) where i would be like ‘you are not putting enough effort into this’ because when we spoke they would not say anything and sit in silence, or text other people, sleep or straight up scroll tiktok. This was quiet and awkward and i was panicking (i did not want to lose this person else i would really hit rock bottom) so i started speaking more and faster (as i was gripped by anxiety).
The person blamed me for ‘using’ them to ‘rant’ to them and said i did not care about their feelings. I asked them every day about how they were and checked in on them through text too but i used to only get one worded answers because ‘i was doing it as i felt bad not because i really cared’ this was confusing and scary and so overwhelming, i was crying through the entire conversation and i had receipts like to show them i was trying my best and i really cared and it hurt me when i saw them putting in effort with other people but not me which made me feel replaced.
either way this conversation took place in like october and after the holidays and going through the stages of grief i am doing really well again. I have been trying to get out of my comfort zone and build more casual friends too, i have learnt how to self soothe and pick up new hobbies.
That was until the day before yesterday because of our cca i was forced to work with them in a group activity, i did not speak the entire time. i was quiet and let them do the talking and i stayed out of it, i did not want to engage but i was feeling angry again though i cant really tell why.
Yesterday i found out that our new classrooms are going to be side by side for the rest of the year. The only 2 in that part of the corridor.
I sit beside the window and sometimes used to walk in the corridor last year and now i cannot do that. I will be seeing them every single day for the rest of next year and that thought itself is so excruciatingly painful i feel nauseous already. I do not really know what to do and i do not know if i can even figuratively survive the next year. What should I do?