I have a load of pent-up resentment and anger over the past few years that makes me feel like I’m about to explode whenever anything slightly triggers me. I’ve been in a LDR with my bf for the past 2 years and I always knew that he didn’t love me as much as I did him so I’ve always bottled up my anger, hatred and resentment towards him. I was always the one calling him and putting effort while he was just chill. He’s nice to me but I can’t bring myself to accept the fact that it’s a very skewed relationship where I am reliant on him and he is ok without me. I always saw him as my lifeline because I’m not good looking, not emotionally stable and don’t have a good enough personality to believe that I can find someone else. I can’t imagine the idea of myself being single either. My toxicity is ruining the relationship and I wish I was a healthy person but years of childhood trauma has crippled me to the point where I just want to project my hurt upon everyone. I feel like it gets so overwhelming sometimes that it gets unbearable and the only way out is to end my life and escape the pain. Sometimes I would spam call him when I get panic attacks but he would turn on airplane mode when that happens and it triggers me even more. I would start sobbing so loud in the middle of the night that I have to cover my mouth so that I don’t scream and wake everyone up. I just hate everything and wish I could either heal properly (which is almost impossible) or end things.
Hi anonymous374
Thank you for reaching out for support. By facing the circumstances surrounding the challenging situation you are experiencing, please know that you are displaying much courage 
. I also want to assure you that the overwhelm, anger, hurt and resentment you are facing is understandable and fully valid. You are not alone as many long-distance relationships (LDRs) do face challenges of connection, communication and felt presence in each other’s lives.
My heart goes out to you when you shared that you endured childhood trauma. You shared that the impact of the past trauma is still showing up currently and may be disrupting your normal functioning. May I encourage you to speak to a therapist about this. He/she can gently help you process the trauma in a safe environment such that eventually there is reduced impact in the present day. The therapist can also equip you with skills to cope more effectively when challenges arise in the future. One of the other therapy goals you may want to consider is to address self-esteem challenges.
You are precious anonymous374, please do not forget that. Write down your strengths and achievements and reflect on what those around you have to say about how you have enriched their lives. Keep this list handy and refer to it often to remind yourself how precious and worthy you are.
I encourage you to have an honest conversation with your long-distance partner. Use ‘I’ statements to share how you are feeling, communicate your experiences and jointly agree on some boundaries, expectations, and rituals both parties need to observe for a healthier fulfilling relationship.
You fully deserve and are worthy of a reciprocal respectful and fulfilling relationship. By communicating your needs and with a honest open discussion, both of you can strive to reach a mutually loving and understanding relationship.
I’m sorry you are going through this and I feel you. I am currently also in a long-distance relationship too and I have been through a stage where we had a lot of arguments over small issues, even now. I also had childhood trauma which was totally unbearable and in order for me to overcome this, I took up the courage to go for school counselling where I spent a total of 6 years. I truly understand it is not easy at all going through this every single day, but let’s take it one step at a time. If you want to become a healthier person by not hurting others, you might want to consider listening to soothing music every day to calm yourself down. The next thing you can consider is daily self-reflection. It can be just lying down on your bed before you sleep where you can spend 5 minutes thinking about what went well or not went well throughout that day. This is also a good time for you to call your bf (if he is available) to have a heart-to-heart talk with your partner. All of us have emotions and after reading your sharing, I know that you have already done your best in the relationship you have with your bf. Remember that I’m here to listen. I know you can do it and I have faith in you, jiayous!!! 